While I don’t love the fact that ChatGPT now has to be considered in writing instruction, I do consult with it when I have a personal problem or deep question.  Of course, it doesn’t replace human interaction, but it can supplement it, and in some cases, it can reaffirm things I’ve been told.  In this post, I’ll weave the advice I received from ChatGPT and folks on CoSP into my own developing thoughts on this manner.

I read about a psychological concept known as “normative idealization,” which is the idea that people tend to think of “their” way of living as the “normal” or “right” way to live.  And the “relationship escalator” has become so normalized (and rewarded) in our world that it’s only natural for people to think that marriage is the way.  But, like anything, marriage comes with sacrifices and challenges . That’s not to say singlehood doesn’t either, even for us happy singletons, but this piece will focus on how some of those challenges might put some married people on the defensive. 

One person on CoSP put it in more accessible terms: it’s just human nature for people to think of their way as “the way.”  And because marriage is seen as the gold standard (and the silver, and the bronze), other lifestyles don’t make sense to people who’ve followed that path, particularly if their upbringing and their culture has instilled it into them.  And when people don’t understand something, their first instinct is to attack it.

The challenges of marriage are also just too much for some people.  In my more active dating days, one friend put to me bluntly, “When you’re married or in a serious relationship, you can’t just do whatever you want.”  It’s true; there are rules to consider, the most prominent being that you have to consult with your partner on just about everything.  And not everybody’s wired for that life.  Some of those people may have entered into marriage before realizing that, or they just went against their instincts because, well, “it’s just what I’m supposed to do.”  I thought that way before Bella’s work switched me over to the dark side (or light side, depending on how you look at it).  And I like to think CoSP has done that for a lot of people, and that I’ve been a significant part of that mission.

But some people can’t (or won’t) see it for what it is.  The “sunk costs” fallacy comes into play.  Some think, “I’ve spent all this money on a wedding and merged my life with theirs.  I’ve spent all this time.  How DARE they do that thing that I wish I could do but now can’t!  And divorce is expensive!  And my friends and family will judge me for it!  So I’m gonna let ‘em have it!”
In the first part of this post, I brought up The Romance Mystic and Sharon Kass’s vitriolic responses to my work.  I obviously brought up some deep-seated emotions for them.  I don’t know either of them and am not qualified to psychoanalyze them, but I can speculate that both of them likely feel threatened by others who live differently from them.  In my experience, the happily married/coupled people I know are very supportive of singles’ choices; why would they judge?  I’ve even met and worked with some of them in the realm of Singles Studies and singles advocacy.  They’re secure enough to allow others their choices. 

At present, the laws don’t agree with the single lifestyle; neither does the media or medicine or countless other institutions.  To be fair, many of the figureheads in those institutions married for a myriad of reasons and may not be aware of the inequities toward singles.  And advocacy is about raising awareness, which is why organizations like Unmarried Equality (UE) and spaces like Community of Single People (CoSP) are so important.  And a lot of people, even in DEI spaces, don’t think such advocacy is necessary; after all, singles aren’t victims of “hate crimes,” at least not in the traditional sense. 

But I’ll persist.  And I think, on some level, my/our haters know I’m/we’re right.  They’re just not ready to admit it.  But maybe someday, that chariot will arrive for them.

When I teach my Blogging Workshop, I provide a mini-lesson on how to respond to “trolls.”  Thanks to the Internet, anybody can put their opinions out there for anyone to see.  It was how I started building my second career around writing about singlehood/Singles Studies/singles advocacy.  And, of course, when you put your opinions out there, people will respond.  In fact, that tendency is part of human nature, pre-Internet.  In the 1994 comedy, The Paper, Randy Quaid’s columnist spends half the money dodging a reader who literally wants to put a bullet in his head just because said reader didn’t like what he wrote.

Thankfully, I haven’t had to deal with that – yet.  But, I have had some hate responses trickle in.  Bella posted reprinted of hers in Single at Heart, and when I heard the “Ooooh, That’s Interesting” episode from Lucy Meggeson's Thrive Solo podcast in which she read some of her hate mail from “listeners,” I knew I had to publish something.

A few years ago, I wrote a piece for Writer’s Digest called “How to Write a Character Who is Single: 4 Cliches and Tropes to Avoid When Writing Single Characters.”  Apparently, it was one of the publication’s most popular pieces.  It even got some love from The Fussy Librarian.
However, one person did not love it: someone named The Romance Mystic apparently thinks those single stereotypes aren’t “stereotypes,” and that every non-married person she knows is miserable.  You can read the full content at the end of my article.
Recently, I was in the position of critiquing a piece by Michal Leibowitz from the New York Times in which she suggested that more people aren’t having kids due to a result of too much therapy; of course, this argument was built on the presupposition that not having kids is a bad thing.  I was pleasantly surprised to hear my letter to the editor was considered worthy of publication in this prestigious periodical.  A few days later, as a 47th birthday present, I got an email telling me the following:
The state of being "happy" can mean merely being comfortable.  Neurotics maintain a state of comfort by avoiding what they truly need and gravitating toward poor substitutes.
 
I recommend depth psychotherapy for you.  Work on your childhood, especially your relationship with your parents in early life.
 
Good luck.

Sharon Kass
Washington, DC
 
It took me about a minute of Googling to learn that Ms. Kass is a well-known anti-LGBTQ+ activist. 
There were a lot of thoughts going on.  First, I believe when you get hate mail, that’s a sign that you’re really doing your job.  I’m guessing Ms. Kass typed my name into a Google search engine and learned all about the writing I do for the single and childfree communities.
 
But Lucy said something interesting about these people who actually took the time to write hate mail in which they said, “you’re selling people a lie that being single and not having kids is the way to go.”  In some cases, they probably took the time to listen to a whole podcast episode.

As someone who has written some pretty scathing critiques of matrimaniacal material, I can say that I’m in a fairly emotional state when I generate those ideas (I was when I wrote that letter to the New York Times).  Writing has always been my primary outlet, and it’s needed to get that message out there.  Perhaps that’s what both of my respondents were feeling.  But my question is: why do they hate that message so much?  Why do they care about people who live lives that have nothing to do with them?  I have my own theories (which I articulated in a very nice unsent letter), and Lucy discussed hers, but I’d love to hear from you.  I may post a follow-up in another piece with a combination of my ideas and yours.
 
 

I recently came across the term “railfan,” which refers to someone who loves trains.  I don’t collect them (yet), but I do love riding them.  And for this week’s solo outing, I took the MARC up to Perryville, and just to get a little taste of small-town life.  I’m a city boy, but every now and again, I like to indulge in the scenery: the rustic houses, the tree-lined streets, the eateries where the waitress knows your name and regular order.


Some of that on the way up, but even on a self-care day, I just can’t resist my Singles Studies/Singles advocacy stuff.  I listened to the Solo podcast where Gordon Morris & Christina Campbell appealed to talk about Unmarried Equality (UE) so that I could get some material for Christina’s and my presentation on UE at this summer’s International Singles Studies Association (ISSA) Conference.  And I read my library book, Single Women in Popular Culture.  Otherwise, nice views.


Upon arrival, I was met by the Perryville Railroad Museum, which sadly, only stays open on weekends, when the MARC doesn’t even GO to Perryville (this region needs much better public transit).  But I did make it down to the Susquehanna River, where I sat on a bench at a pier and wrote.


I walked down a trail and got some nice pics of the river.  I don’t shoot photos of houses (the owners might have an issue with that), but there were some cute knick-knacks on the porches and a lot of boats in yards, as well as in the river.  I did fantasize about that kind of life, but boats require heavy maintenance, and I’m a more “inland” type of dude.

The ride and walk worked up my appetite, so I made my way to 5th Company Brewing.   Totally empty, sans two solo diners at the bar, both with bushy beards.  The waitress, Katie, addressed me as “hun,” a lovely feature of small-town eateries.  I wasn’t sure if a simple jumbo pretzel with crab dip would fill me up, but it did.  Katie did glance as I wrote in my notebook.   She likely thought I was a restaurant critic (food inspector would be a far cry off for a guy sporting a Grateful Dead T-shirt).

After walking off dinner for about 45 minutes, I got an Italian Ice at Greek Girls Ice Cream, a cute stand.  From there, I walked to the station and chatted with an older woman who rides the MARC from Baltimore to Perryville for work every day, but is thinking about a change, especially now that her husband passed way and she feels a lot freer.  One nice thing about the train: the people you sometimes meet.

One not-so-nice thing: when a vehicle ends up on the tracks, which happened.  So we stalled for about 30 minutes before we finally made it to Baltimore Penn Station.  They had to cancel this train to get the folks in DC back home, so I was waiting until 8:45.  Once on there, we had to wait fifteen minutes for an Amtrak to load off so people could transfer.  Quite frustrating, and I was getting worried about Chester.

But, eventually, I made it home, and he was on his recliner, right where I left them.  True to form, he said, “Give me treats, human!”  I responded, “Yes, master” and proceeded to follow his orders.

During the summertime, I’m not occupied with the grind of lesson planning, grading, teaching, committee meetings, and the emails, the emails, the emails!  This means more time to get in my own head, which means more time to get angry at these singlist micro aggressions I witness, well, everywhere.

I find my best outlet is writing; thus far, I’ve written a letter to the NY Times editor regarding a patronizing piece on the therapy culture’s contribution to childlessness, an unsent letter to someone who detracted to one of my pieces, and, most recently, a request to NextDoor to replace a pop-up that read “Let us know your spouse or partner’s email” with “let us know your contact person’s name.”  Hey, an activist must always aim to educate.

I decided to take a day off from all that, in addition to the various research and teaching projects that are comprising my summer (not to mention my application for full professor).  I’m more than a bit tepid about driving in my region and I love public transportation, but I looked up that Gettysburg, PA is only a little above an hour’s drive from me.  I woke up at 6:30 and decide to just do it.

Once I exited the soulless, viewless I-270 and got onto Route 15, I was met by some nice views of barns and silos.  Sadly, some of that land is being adorned with identical houses, a pronatalist’s wet dream.  But it was nice to see some rural landscapes; even if I wouldn’t want to live in them, they’re fun to look at.

I got to the Visitors Center; I had planned to do this trip on a weekday during the early part of the summer, before school was out and families began to pack the place.  That hope was dashed when I immediately saw a bunch of elementary school-aged children on a field trip.  And the parking lot was packed with plates from Kentucky to Michigan to California.  Most of the guests appeared to be older, likely retired couples.  Hey, you’ve earned it; live it up!

I bypassed the Visitors Center and went straight to the National Cemetery and Battlefield to take some pictures.  The highlight was the spot where Abraham Lincoln gave the Gettysburg Address.  My first thought: What would he think of what’s happening in the US right now?  I even directed an older gentleman, a Vietnam veteran from Kansas, to the spot on my way back.  He, in turn, informed me about a bus tour of the battlefield.  Maybe next time.

On the way back, I stopped at Cacotin Mountain Orchard.  The sign said “Apple Cider Donuts,” and I just love me some of those.  I’ve been working with a dietitian, so thanks to her voice in my head, I picked up some apples as well.  Good, but my pet peeve: they didn’t sell them individually.  Five minimum.  Singlist? Hell yes!  But, hey, I’ll eat them just the same.

I earned my nap when I got home.  All in all, I’ll aim to take one day trip each week during the summer.  After all, I’m a solo who’s “off” during the summer, and I can do that!