Taylor Swift has already achieved virtually every marker of cultural success imaginable: billionaire status, historic touring records, fourteen Grammys, and one of the most devoted fanbases in modern music. Yet the media narrative around her engagement suggests that her life only truly culminates now: through her upcoming marriage to Travis Kelce.
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I’m happy for Taylor that she’s found a supportive partner, and I hope they enjoy a great life together.  But the hype around it is too much, albeit typical when someone gets married and thus, “finds success.”  We should stop conflating those terms.

Swift’s net worth is around $2 billion.  She has fourteen Grammys, including four albums of the year.  And very few musical acts have devoted fanbases with names like “Swifties” or “Deadheads.”  Develping such a following is quite an accomplishment.  So why is it suddenly world news that “she’s finally getting married?”  Her Eras tour was the highest-grossing concert tour in history, and that didn’t make nearly the amount of headlines.

The fascination surrounding Swift’s relationship isn’t really about Swift herself or even the people who are gushing over it. It reflects a broader cultural phenomenon.  “Matrimania,” a term coined by social scientist Bella DePaulo, is the societal obsession with marriage.  When I introduce this concept during presentations on Singles Studies, I provide images of 90 Day Fiancé and elements of The Bachelor franchise, which have incredible viewership.  Entertainment franchises like these are built around finding a spouse, while accomplishments like artistic mastery, athletic endurance, or community leadership rarely receive equivalent cultural celebration.

Matrimonial bias isn’t merely annoying or superficial; it can affect how institutions value human lives. I recount the story of my friend and colleague, Joan DelFattore, who was recommended a less aggressive course of treatment by an oncologist because, according to the doctor who treated her, she had less to live for without a spouse or children.  Fortunately, she found a doctor who was more open-minded, and, as of this writing, she’s in remission.

The laws appear to carry the same stance as DelFattore’s original oncologist.  For example, I could leave Social Security benefits to a woman I meet today and marry tomorrow.  But I can’t do that for the sibling I’ve known for nearly forty-four years.  And despite a clean driving record, I pay more for car insurance because a married person is supposedly a better driver.  Research has found that married men often receive workplace advantages in hiring and promotion. Workplaces are also quicker to promote a married person, at least if they’re male.  Researchers tend to ignore these practices when they conclude married people are wealthier and healthier than singles.

Some studies do show, however, that single women are happier and healthier than married women.  Given that marriage between two hetero individuals benefits the man more, it makes sense.  Studies consistently show women in heterosexual marriages still perform a disproportionate share of domestic labor.

These are the reasons why Taylor Swift has been a role model for women.  Her accomplishments represent autonomy, independence, and reinvention.  Yet, when she got together with Travis Kelce, the public narrative shifted to “She’s complete now!  She found her person!”  When they announced their engagement, it amplified: “They’re finally tying the knot!”

Marriage is a great thing for a lot of people.  But we lionize it to the detriment of accomplishments that are just as valid, maybe more so.  If even a woman as accomplished as Taylor Swift is still culturally framed as incomplete until marriage, then our definition of success remains far narrower, and far more patriarchal, than we like to admit.

If you haven’t yet departed from social media, you don’t have to look very deeply to see memes and reels about “why aren’t men dating” or “declining fertility rates” or similar types of fearmongering. 
There are many reasons why less people want to follow the traditional route of marrying, having kids, white picket fence, etc.  Some of them, to be sure, are concerning.  We do spend more time on social media and our phones than we used to, which can compromise our ability to be social in real life (IRL, as the kids say).  In this writer’s opinion, the decline itself isn’t a bad thing.  Traditional marriages have stifled women, who spend much of their time doing the domestic labor, even if they work outside the home.  So they have two jobs. 

So why shouldn’t women celebrate singlehood?  Now, they only have one job.

But, as less women are getting married or coupling, men are following, and the fearmongering around that is ubiquitous.  “They’re incels!”  “They’re spending all day playing video games!”  “Why are less men approaching women?”  And so on.  And there’s also the doomsdaying around declining fertility/birth rates.

At the same time, there’s a host of content (news articles, social media) about single women living their best lives, not having to deal with a man’s stunted emotions or messy habits.  Some of these pieces offer the disclaimer, “These women haven’t given up on love.  They’re just not going to accept whatever’s handed on it.”  I’m not critical of that disclaimer per se, but that does show how much we lionize romance.  I don’t know what percentage of singles are truly single at heart, but I’d love to hear the disclaimer, “…and if you don’t want it, that’s fine too.”

But I digress.  To be sure, male singlehood has been glamorized more than that of women: the cool bachelor.  And many married/coupled men envy and romanticize the bachelor lifestyle; I’ve been referred to as a “playboy” and been asked if I’ve slept with any of my woman friends (the answer is “no”). 

I enjoy the company of women, but mostly in a platonic sense.  My woman friends add meaning to my life in ways that a romantic partnership never could.  And I also do my best to eschew the “bachelor stereotype.”  I don’t spend hours playing video games.  I don’t drink, do drugs, or gamble.  I generally try to eat right (although I do have a weakness for pizza and anything with chocolate in it).  I exercise.  I have hobbies, this blog being one of them.  Actually, it’s not so much a hobby as it is a passion.

I love Chelsea Handler’s videos about her adventures as a childfree singleton (as of this writing).  And, on a less adrenalized level, those videos of a woman coming home to peace are nice as well.  But I’d like to see some men posting similar stuff, particularly if they buck the “playboy” stereotype.  I’m a little too shy to start posting videos to the public, but here’s how I started the day.
My cat/son Chester woke me up at around 7 a.m. with his demands for treats.  I went for a jog, made breakfast, and wrote.  There was nobody to disturb me. 
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Now it’s your turn.  Men: how are you living your best bachelor life?

NOTE: This is a piece of microfiction that could become part of an edited collection on Singles Empowerment.  Enjoy!

          So, you know how sometimes you respond, “Better single than married to a pathetic
 
drunk” when your ex-best friend says “that’s why you’re still single,” and she throws a drink
 
in your face and tells you to go fuck yourself? 
 
         Well, I do.  I know that very well.  True story.

During the summer, I do a lot of things I don’t do during the academic year.  I work, but I do a lot of writing and research (for me, a lot of said research involves watching movies).  I also catch up on the sleep I lost during the months of August through May.

This past week, I felt compelled to watch the NBA championships.  I don’t follow basketball, but the Knicks were in the finals and could possibly win for the first time since 1973.  When I visited my Mom the week prior, we watched Game 1, during which the Knicks played chaotically, but emerged with the “W.”

At that point, I’d caught the basketball fever.  I don’t have cable, so I went to a sports bar called the Dog Haus.  My plan was to order a chicken sandwich and a Diet Coke and cheer for the Knicks.
I was met by a blond, bespectacled woman named Katie, who was waiting on a friend celebrating her birthday.  She mentioned this to a bartender, who also proudly proclaimed himself a Gemini.  I jumped in, “Me too!” 

“When’s your birthday?” Katie asked.

“This Saturday!”

She offered to buy me a shot along with the bartender, but I mentioned that I no longer imbibe. She did invite me to sit at her table when her friend arrived; I said, “Yeah, that sounds cool.”
When her friend Stacey arrived, they started chatting in relatively low voices.  At one point, I offered to buy her a drink for her birthday, which she politely declined.  I read the situation as “These two women are out for a ladies’ night, no need for me to disrupt.”  When Katie came over to the bar, we started chatting naturally, and Stacey joined us.  But she also had to fly out of town early the next morning, so she took off.

My thought, Should I get her number?  This is what I’m supposed to do, right?

But it just didn’t feel necessary.  The conversation wasn’t that deep.  We talked about what we did for work, but that was about it.  I did invite them to join my Childfree Singles of the DMV Meetup group (I could just tell they were one of our tribe).  As I went home, I thought, yeah, I did the right thing.

And that leads me to some thoughts regarding how men are socialized into the behavior of being “the pursuer.”  When I was in my 20s, I spent a lot of time in bars and clubs trying to “get the digits”.  When I did that at the age of thirty-one, it led to a relationship that I just didn’t belong in.  Seventeen years later, I’m a happy singleton.  I’m not necessarily closed off to the idea of “something” that falls outside the realm of the relationship escalator, but I don’t seek it out.  I believe a hetero man should be aware of himself and can just talk to women without it having to go somewhere.  That said, it takes work to mentally get to that place.

I have a lot of platonic women friends who add a great deal to my life, many of whom I met on CoSP.  There’s no sex involved.  There’s no romance.  And it works for me.  And whether a man partners up or not, he should learn how to have a friendship with a woman.  And he should be able to talk to a woman and “read the room” as to whether he actually should try to go beyond the conversation.

​There’s a lot of hype on social media about “Why aren’t men approaching women anymore?”  That conversation is way too complex and nuanced for this post and will likely inform another post in the future.  But when I posted about this on CoSP, many women applauded and said, “Thank you!” 
I’m aware some men reading this might say, “What the hell!  You just lost your man card!”  Those are the kinds of guys I used to associate with in my 20s, but they’re not part of my world now.