I don’t usually prefer to talk about my finances on a public forum, but it is nice to be part of a faculty union.  The abridged version: we negotiated a raise, and as a result, I got a year’s worth of some back pay, which motivated me to want to attend the International Singles Studies Association (ISSA) Conference in Edinburgh, Scotland.  I’d never been to Scotland before, and I’m always looking to expand some sort of repertoire.  With this back pay, I could do it.
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After a day of solo travel around Edinburgh and a day-long bus tour through the Highlands and Loch Ness, I was psyched up for ISSA.  I knew there’d be a nice litany of presentations, and I’d get to deliver a snippet of my book project.

It was a 25-minute walk from my room to the conference venue.  Solo travelers, note: if you ever go to Scotland, the University of Edinburgh offers out some of their dorm rooms to summer travelers.  They’re small with a double bed, dressers, and shared bathrooms (bring your shower shoes or flip-flops!).  Perfect for a solo traveler (or if you’re in a couple, group, or family and just want to get away from your person/people for the night).

I got there just before 9 a.m. and got to talk to Kate Gilchrist, the ISSA Board Co-President I’d only met online.  I then talked to Elyakim, the ISSA Board Co-President I’d seen mostly online but got together with a few times.  You may know him as the author of Happy Singlehood: The Rising Acceptance and Celebration of Solo Living, one of my sacred texts.  Other people I met for the first time included Margot Bracke, Laura Robberechet, Elise ‘t Hoen, Dries Van Gasse, Keren Eisen, Talya Menashe, Alexandra Fisher, Ari Engelberg, Zhe Zhang, Elke Claessens, Sofiya Kazlovich, Markia Rullo, and a journalist from Italy named Gabrielle Grasso.

Some interesting presentations as well.  First, I learned married folks are often less satisfied with welfare benefits than singles.  It makes sense; a family requires more resources.  Women and men also have different reasons for wanting to be single, although I thought some of the research in that area had a bit of a couples-biased lens.  During the Q&A around my talk on amatonormativity in Disney films, I did subtly bring in the idea of the “unaware single at heart,” meaning someone who functions best single but has still internalized the pro-coupling message.  That message informs their dating choices, yet their single-at-heart proclivities keep them sabotaging dating prospects.  I did it myself before I came to that spiritual awakening.

But I digress.  A couple of very interesting talks came from some Israeli scholars including Ari Eisenberg, who presented singlism among Jewish religious leaders; Talya (pictured), who discussed how singles perceive other singles; and Shay, who talked about how gay men are more apt to view community as being crucial to social needs (straight men could really learn from this demographic).

And Talya and I posed with my “No Spouse Happy House” bumper stickers. That got some “likes.”
I got to connect with Gabrielle at Union Social after the conference before I left to “introvert” over some proper fish and chips at Bertie’s.  She’s written a book about the portrayal of single women in film and is about to start a podcast based in Italy.

Overall, I was happy to see such a diverse range of perspectives in this developing academic field.  For the record, I don’t agree with (nor do I like) everything I’ve heard, but that’s how academic freedom works.  Everybody has the right to present their perspectives, including myself.  And there’s a chance someone in that conference might have been set off by something I said; I may have ruined somebody’s memories of 101 Dalmatians (just wait until they hear what I say about the works of John Hughes and Judd Apatow!).

I also decided to make a vacation out of this trip since I’m paying out of pocket (working at a cash-strapped, teaching-focused school doesn’t allow one a great deal of funding for an international trip).  The next day, I went up to Glasgow to meet up with Michele David, a friend from CoSP.  Before our lunch, I stopped by the International Association for Relationship Research, which sounds very couples-focused (and is, according to one of my insiders).  I decided to engage in my trademark brand of low-key mischief by walking through the conference with my “I Love Childless Cat Ladies” T-shirt.  It got no reaction from anyone, but I was amused. 

And why shouldn’t I have been?  We live in a couplecentric world.  My work can push back against him, but sometimes, a little humor can keep one centered.  

More than once, I’ve been accused of being angry in my writing.  And, to be fair, I get a little nasty sometimes.  I took Bella’s wisdom about how rude it would be to ask someone “when they’re getting divorced” to heart by responding “Don’t worry, your turn to divorce will come.” 
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I don’t actually hope anyone gets divorced.  But if you’re going to push at me with one narrative, I’m going to come back at you with another.  And with social media, there are a lot more of these kinds of fights happening.  Childfree vs. parent.  Single vs. partnered.  On the Higher Ed Learning Collective, some brutal exchanges on teaching styles occur between those who are strict and those who are lenient.

Social media has made us more isolated, but it’s also revealed some uncomfortable truths we’re not quite comfortable expressing in real life.  I don’t know too many childfree folks who would use terms like “breeder,” “semen demon,” and “crotch dropping” in a conversation.  But online, it’s fair game.

I don’t use those kinds of terms; I try to be respectful of all lifestyles.  But I went through that phase when I first discovered I was childfree.  I’m not proud of some of the things I’ve said, but I was in a place of anger.  There was the colleague in graduate school who said, “You don’t have a kid!  You don’t know what tired is!”  There’s the time that someone said, “Not yet, right?” when I told them I wasn’t having kids.  I responded with, “No, there’s no yet.  I’m not having kids period.”  An awkward silence ensued.  These days, I say “I’m childfree by choice.”  An awkward silence sometimes ensues.  If I say, “No,” said person might be inclined to spout a well-meaning but ultimately patronizing comment like, “Ohhh, there’s still time.”  My statement communicates agency.

Same thing with the “are you married” question.  “I’m happily solo” sometimes get a knowing laugh from a coupled person, who knows how hard is to maintain a relationship. One person paused, processed, and said, “Ohh, cool.”

This is real life, though.  Social media is a different thing. And it is a cesspool no matter where you go.  I’m in a group called “Jewish Delis” and I saw two grown men go at it about the quality of a corned beef sandwich at a particular spot.  My thinking goes something like that, who cares!?  It’s corned beef!

I’m not as easygoing when it comes to the childfree and single content, though.  I don’t get as fired up as I used to.  But I understand when people use those derogatory terms.

The pronatalist content is jammed down our throats by the media and society at large.  And it’s gotten even worse with Project 2025.  Russia will also fine you for producing any content that promotes the childfree style.  I listened to a Thrive Solo episode with a German activist who’s received death threats for her message (guess I’m pretty spoiled in the United States).  Then there’s this bingo card.

It’s just human nature that when you propose one way of living as the right way, others are going to push back against it.  Atheists and evangelicals go after each other.  Meat-eaters love to take vocal vegans down a few pegs.  And there was a section in a book about asexuality that answered the question, “Why are Some Aces So Hostile?”

Essentially, this group feels marginalized, and when we’re behind a keyboard, we feel empowered to let out our darkest impulses.  On Facebook or Reddit pages devoted to such a group, members can let out their anger in a safe space.  So it can appear angry to those who are not part of the space or who may have a more moderate take on the situation.

I do think we could all benefit from a little more empathy.  I try to be respectful of people’s choices.  However, since I am admittedly a little biased, I’ll say it from the “angry” side.  Why are we so hostile?

It doesn’t feel good to be marginalized.  The anger from those comments can build.  Hell, it’s the very reason I became involved in advocacy.  When I first discovered the single/childfree choice and became empowered, I regrettably used those derogatory terms.  It was like discovering smoking for the first time (which I also, thankfully, no longer partake in).  In the past few years, I’ve found it no longer beneficial on a spiritual level.  It also gives our community a bad look.

But…I understand.  When members of our community judge others for making those comments, I think, some people just need to go through that phase.  Not everybody’s a natural empath.  For me, it’s been a study.

And I’m not anti-love or anti-marriage.  I don’t think too many of my fellow singletons are, at least not for others.  People need to do what makes them happy, even if it’s different from what I would do.  But when I’m told I need to do a particular thing, I’ll speak back, and I won’t pull any punches.  And I’ll speak up for others where applicable. 

So, the next time you think, that person is so angry, try to recognize where that person may be coming from.

Happy Independence Day!  For us singletons, every day is Independence Day.