​That third week of September is always a fun time for me.  Unmarried and Single Americans Week is the time when Craig lets his Singlehood flag fly to full capacity. 

And fly, it did.  This post will be divided into three parts: the Professional, the Personal, and the Professional/Personal.

Professional
In the past, I’ve themed my first-year writing courses around the theme of Marriage and Singlehood.  Students enjoy it, but the feedback I’ve gotten is they’d like to talk about other topics.  So I listened.  Every week, students read about a different type of discrimination.  So it would be fitting this week they’d learn about singlism.  Since I have a Monday/Wednesday and a Tuesday/Thursday section, I had to give two separate activities.  The Monday/Wednesday section listened to the episode of BBC’s Sideways on which Bella appeared.  Comments that stood out included one that indicated that more people might “go single” after hearing such information.  Another person expressed annoyance at the question, “Why aren’t you married?”  Yep, you and millions of other people.
The Tuesday/Thursday section listened to Joan DelFattore talk about her research in medical bias as it pertains to how it discriminates against single people.  Students had many good questions, including the following:

1. How would you advise an unmarried person like myself to advocate for better treatment?
2. Did your experience with the first oncologist sour you from getting medical treatment?
3. Do medical practitioners have their own biases?

Students wrote journals in which they responded to the podcast (MW) and DelFattore’s talk (TR); they also had read DelFattore’s “Death by Stereotype” and written a Weekly Writing Exercise responding to it.  I spent a good chunk of Tuesday and Wednesday copying and pasting responses, which I might use for a future project in which I write about how I integrate Singles Studies into my teaching.

The big event was the Nonmarriage Roundtable Conference at UVA’s School of Law.  You can see more here.

Personal
I’m a casual football fan.  When I was a child, my uncle Joe had season tickets to see the New York Giants, and he took me and my brother on a couple of occasions.  During family gatherings, if you even uttered a word while he watched a game, there was hell to pay.  Somehow, through this, I became a Giants fan, and for the first time, I headed to Northwest Stadium (formerly known as FedEx Field) to catch the game with a Meetup group called NY Giants Fans in DC.  I traveled down solo, which allowed me to converse with random folks on my own terms.  Some light trash-talking, commenting on Brian Daboll’s horrible judgment as a coach, and responding to condolences on our loss.  This was followed by bringing in a pizza and vegging on the couch.

I'm way less casual about solo Amtrak trips; I just love 'em!  It allows me to read, write, and stare at the window.  In this case, the views consisted of the farmlands and Main Streetesque vibes of the western central part of Virginia.  I wouldn’t want to live there again, but it’s fun to look at.  When I got back to DC, the evening revolved around finishing up that pizza, reuniting with Chester, and more vegging on the couch while I watched two pro-single movies: The Wife and My Bodyguard.

The Professional/Personal
Although this week technically ended on Saturday, Elyakim would be staying in DC for an extra day, so we co-facilitated a workshop on Happy Singlehood at the Cleveland Park Library.  Following that, some of the participants joined us for dinner at Dolan, an Uyghur restaurant just up Connecticut Avenue, where we talked singlehood.

​Conclusion
Most people who know me know I can talk about singlehood, Singles Studies, and singles advocacy for hours.  And I believe it needs advocacy.  For me, I wouldn’t be able to do this work if I had to devote the energy to an escalator-style relationship.  And I’m in a perfect location to do it.  To quote Antionette, #ilovemydcsinglelife.

Bottom (L-R): Kate, Avery, Antionette, Andrew
Top (L&R): Elyakim & myself
The Nonmarriage Roundtable was quite the experience!  And after vegging out on the couch with pizza and diet root beer upon my return home, I fell asleep.  The next morning, it was back to my soldiering.  Elyakim would be in DC for an extra day, so we thought it would be a good idea to co-present on Singlehood at the Cleveland Park Library, where I’ve given workshops before.

To my very pleasant surprise, seven people attended.  And the topics flowed.  One thing is for sure: singles are not a monolith.  Elyakim had talked about “singlehood as identity” at his Nonmarriage Roundtable talk, and I’ve been thinking about that for myself; it intersects with the idea of Single at Heart.  A couple of participants identified with that, and others did not.  We talked about a variety of Singles Studies-related topics, including:

1. Being asked to switch seats on an airplane in order to accommodate couples or families;
2. Having to have someone accompany you from a hospital, which can put some singles at a disadvantage;
3. The inequities of married people being promoted more at work;
4. Being ostracized from certain circles that consist primarily of coupled people;
5. Internalized feelings of being “othered” by coupled folks, even when it’s unintentional;
6. Being told “you’ll change your mind” when you vocalize Singlehood as your preferred status, particularly when you’re in your 20s or 30s;
7. The disadvantage a lot of coupled folks give themselves when they only rely on a spouse or partner to meet all their needs;
8. The difference between “single by choice” vs. “single by circumstance”
9. Ways of getting social/companionship needs met, particularly by way of platonic intimacy.
10. The introduction of the terms “singlism,” “matrimania,” and “amatonormativity.”
11. Elyakim’s finding that single people are more connected with friends, families of origin, and their communities than are married/coupled folks.  And in many cases.  When you put all your energy into that one relationships, things get sacrificed.

Afterwards, a few of us went to nearby Dolan for Uyghur cuisine, where the conversation continued.  We talked about our own relationship preferences, which don’t need to be a binary.  And I’ll share mine.  I like romance, but I like it in short bursts.  If I ever meet someone who’s okay with getting together once a month, maybe twice, and talking on the phone once a week or so, I’d be down.  Of course, most people don’t want that, which is totally fine with me.  Gives me more time to pursue this passion.  Other topics included our work, queerplatonic relationships, and travel.  And as Avery said, it’s nice not to have to listen to conversations about diapers.

Chester usually serves as my alarm clock, yelping at any point between 4 and 6 a.m.  Not because he wants treats, but he just loves following me around.  This morning, my physical clock beat him to it, at 4:30 sharp.  This was a good thing, because I had an early train to catch.  After feeding him, filling his water bowl, scooping out his litter box, and putting that pill in, I was off to the station, and the ride consisted of me grading student work as part of that never-ending cycle, as well as starting The Glass Castle (go banned books!) and thumbing through an issue of The New Yorker I found on that table at school that had the word “FREE” on a piece of paper next to a pile of similar issues.  Hey, free reading material, I’m in!

I got into Charlottesville, where I had been with my good friend Mark a few years back to see a group called the North Mississippi All-Stars.  With the time I had to kill before checking into the hotel, I stopped by Bodo’s Bagels where I ate my tuna on whole wheat as I wrote in my notepad.  Doing this while surrounded by all those energetic college students brought me to my grad school kids, when I’d just camp out at a coffee shop table, drink my espressos, and write on my notepad (this was before the days of the laptop).

After checking into the hotel, napping, jogging, showering, and changing to cleaner attire (polo shirt and jeans), I headed to the Forum, where I was met by Elyakim, where we embraced and talked about our Happy Singlehood workshop to come once in DC. 

Of late, I’ve been used to being the expert in the room (my Profs and Pints talk, my classroom), but in a room of lawyers, I was definitely the novice.  But the people I talked to were very cool.  Erin from Seattle University, who I was able to talk with about writing strategies.  Jade from University of Mississippi, who I would love to have give a workshop on estate law for Unmarried Equality when we get our group up and moving.  Chao-ju, who was proposing an argument equating aunthood with another form of motherhood (an argument I can definitely get on board with).

Friday, Conference Day, was a bit of a blur.  I was one of three non-lawyers in the room, and before I read my fellow panelists’ papers, I was a bit apprehensive about seeming uninformed.  But, as I read, I found places I could apply my “Singles Studies” hat, as well as my Technical Writing duds (charts, charts, charts!).  And the feedback appeared to be well-received.

My paper, a critical discourse analysis on the pro-marriage Runaway Jury, was set to be presented last on the last session of the day.  It’s not so much a paper as it is an excerpt for a larger book project, but I figured any objective feedback would be helpful.  And it was.  Anibal, the facilitator, taught me about epistemic injustice, which CoSP (that’s Community of Single People, my favorite Facebook group, for the unfamiliar) could talk about for days.  Sania, who encouraged me to talk about children’s literature and film.  After all, that is the first exposure to storybook romance that kids get.  In fact, it’s such good advice I plan to devote an entire chapter to it with the working title “The Freudian Perspective.”  In fact, those ideas were both so good I wrote them down in my chapter outline the moment I got back to my room.  Swethaa also sent a bunch of pieces about popular culture’s portrayal in legal realms.  Let’s just say I have reading material for years.
 
Other cool folks included Scott from Macon, GA; Michal from British Columbia, whom I talked about my unorthodox romantic style (I don’t want to see a partner more than once a month or even talk to them more than once a week); and of course, Bobbie, whom I’ve known for years on CoSP, but finally got to meet in person at dinner.  And Naomi, the organizer extraordinaire, whom I’ve met online many times, but never in-person.  And I have her and Ketaki to thank for my presence at the conference.

A bunch of us went to dinner at Orzo Kitchen & Wine Bar.  My social battery was at around 18% at that point, but I figured some caffeine might help me get through.  I did get to talk with Erin about practices in the teaching of writing, and I spoke to two other panelists about the idea of “family” and how that word is interpreted in the law.  My thoughts: family is what you make of it. As I said a few times, I have a larger family of origin, groups of friends I consider family, but my domestic family consist  And I finally got to meet Bobbie in person and talk with Chao-Ju on the bus ride home.  Once in the room, I began writing this blog to the sounds of my beloved Widespread Panic, Grateful Dead, and Allman Brothers.

A couple of random items:

1. A few people with whom I spoke told me they’d seen me post quite a bit on the Singlehood Studies Google Group.  “Yep, I’m that guy,” I responded dryly.  It’s always nice to put faces to names.  I guess I’m becoming known in that world.  It wasn’t my intention, but I guess when you have a lot to say and you’re passionate about what that lot is, it just happens organically.
2. When I wrote my draft this summer, I learned what “loss of consortium” was.  One paper wrote about it at length. 
3. This was a “pay to play” conference.  I had to submit a paper and comment on the work of others to participate.  I found myself saying in most of the sessions I gave feedback in variations of the following phrases: “Discuss singlism.”  “Have you examined implicit bias?”  “Refer to the work of Bella DePaulo.”  “Charts!”

That Diet Coke I had at dinner caused me to wake up at around 4 a.m. on Saturday.  Since I couldn’t get back to sleep, after about an hour of writhing around I figured I’d do something constructive and get caught up on that mound of grading I missed during yesterday’s dialectic.  This would allow me to truly veg upon my return home.  As much as I love talking about Singles Studies, I think it’s fair to say that, at this point, I’m “singled out” (ba-dum-bum!).

In all seriousness, though, this was a true symbiotic experience.  I have a loose interest in singlehood and the law; I have students in my How to be Single and Happy (Without Looking for a Partner) course write a letter to an organization advocating for a change to a law or policy that discriminates against singles.  And I’ve read about the laws from Bella, Christina, and other advocates.  But these lawyers really go into depth at studying them; I was amazed.  And I like to think I spread the Singles Studies gospel; I do believe that if people are going to study nonmarriage, they should at least have a passing familiarity with this growing field.  And now, I’ll go back to the world with a slightly more developed take on my work – and more fire to write.
 
 

Photo by Rachel Perrone
​
After lockdown “ended,” I’d seen a lot of ads for Profs and Pints talks on my Facebook feed.  So many interesting topics.  One April afternoon, I had a “why the heck not” moment and promoted myself as a speaker on singlehood, complete with CV and a PowerPoint I give on Singles Studies.
Much to my pleasant surprise, in July, I received an email back from Peter Schmidt, the founder, inviting me to speak at some point during the summer.  As I was preoccupied with setting up the new homestead, I politely asked him if I could get back to him in the fall.

​Which I did.  I would have loved to present it during National Unmarried and Single Americans Week, but this single person has a full life.  There was a Sunday option, September 15: I’m going to see the New York Giants come into town to play the Commanders with a Meetup group devoted to Giants fans who live in DC (I don’t follow football closely anymore, but I’m hoping to get some New York vibes).  There was Monday, September 16, but with Joan speaking to my writing class on the 17th, I’d like to space out my responsibilities.  So I went with Tuesday, September 3, the day after the Labor Day holiday.

The day before, I was consumed by nerves.  I’ve given talks on this subject before, but this time, people were paying money to see me! My fear was that my anxiety would consume me, I wouldn’t be able to sleep, and consequently, I’d be discombobulated during the presentation.  I reached out to the CoSP tribe for good vibes, and of course, I got them.  Lots of “you got this!”  “Just do what you do!”  And my favorite: “Forget they’re paying.  There’s also confirmation bias at play; they’ll just like it because they’re paying.”  At one point, my self-talk turned from, “They’re paying me for this!  Ahh!” to “They’re paying for this! Cool!”  And then I realized: I’m making it.  This is an important topic, and it’s meaningful to enough people they’re willing to shell out $15-20 of their hard-earned money to see someone talk about it for two hours.  From there, I was able to calm down.  For inspiration, I watched The Dirt, that Netflix movie about Motley Crue’s rise/fall/rise again.  When I was writing How to Be a Happy Bachelor, I felt connected with the movie’s portrayal of Nikki Sixx, Crue’s de facto leader, as he had a rebellious vision and worked fervently, with the help of his buddies Vince, Mick, and Tom, to make it come alive.  I felt pumped up after that.

I didn’t sleep much that night, not due to anxiety, but because Chester kept waking me up by meowing, as he does pretty much every night.  But he did comfort me during my mid-afternoon nap, which I needed after teaching two eighty-minute classes, both of which involved me presenting the first major assignment of the semester, which causes the occasional panic in students.  So I have to expend some emotional labor helping to put their minds at ease.  My colleague, Alex, also was present when I showed up for my morning office hours, and he wished me luck, saying “You’re so good at connecting your work with the community!”  That gave me additional fuel.

More fuel: at around 10 a.m., Peter emailed to tell me the show was sold out at about 100 people.  A little burst of anxiety: even after seventeen years of teaching and presenting, I’d never spoken to that many people at once.  But hey, it meant people wanted to learn about this compelling topic!  So, good for you, Craig!

I had a few last-minute brainstorms before the subway ride, including promoting CoSP and Childfree Singles of the DMV.  When I got there, I was surprised to see Penn Social has the feel of a sports bar.  Guns n’ Roses’s “Paradise City” blared from the speakers as I met Peter.  From there, I placed note cards by each seat for some interactive exercises (I am a writing teacher!). 

The crowd filtered in.  I met a cool guy named Marcus, as well as my fellow childfree friends Rolf, Maria, Steph, and her boyfriend Steve.  Andrew had tried to buy a ticket, but he was beaten by the mad rush of interested parties.  Do check out Maria’s newsletter, Heart-Centered DC, here for awesome spiritual nourishment.

During that talk, I felt more exhilarated than I’d ever been during any presentation.  There was laughter in the right spots, especially during my favorite line, where I critique the phrase “other half/better half.”  I pause, squint my eyes, and say, “So I’m only half a person?”  It got laughs when I presented it at UDC last year as well.

Some great comments and questions came up during the Q&A, including the following:

• An example of singlism in medicine is when women are routinely denied tubal ligation because “you’re not married” or “you’ll change your mind.”
• Are there issues involving declining birth rates, and how does this connect to Singles Studies?
• Do you have solutions for the loneliness epidemic that don’t involve dating? (Answer: yes.  Check out this article for my thoughts on that matter.)
• When do you see laws becoming more equitable for single people? (Answer: many, many years down the road.  This is why we need to advocate now.  As my friend Karen agreed, “We’re playing the long game.”)

And I was pleased to see the light bulbs going off in the audience when they shared their experiences of singlism, matrimania, and amatonormativity.  It’s corny, but I really do learn from students as much as they do from me.  This applies here as well.

At Kamran’s suggestion, I brought a copy of Singular Selves: An Introduction to Singles Studies, the collection of essays Ketaki and I labored to compile.  I got a quick brainstorm and decided to bring a copy of How to be a Happy Bachelor, along with some copies of my business card to create a small display at the table nearest me.

After the talk ended, I had the chance to talk to a few people.  One person thanked me for giving asexuals and aromantics a shout-out.  Another, an aide to a politician, mentioned the possibility of collaborating on some policy work; I gave them the information for Unmarried Equality.  Hopefully, some magic can happen.

After feeling like Tony Robbins for two hours, I walked back to the subway and retreated into the land of the undead; I couldn’t even read my book (My Salinger Year, loaned to me by my fellow activist Christina).  But it was nice being able to unwind without having a human conversation.  I closed out the night by microwaving a bag of Skinny Pop and watching an episode of The Wonder Years.

It was tough to get out of bed this morning, but the 9:30 class I taught beckoned.  I had been on a cloud, but once my students came calling, I was right back down to Earth.  But I’m happy to know the Media Relations Director at UDC will be interviewing me later this week, so who knows the synergy that could happen?

And the best part: I was invited to present at another location.  Next stop: probably Baltimore.  Stay tuned.