In Singled Out, Bella cites an article by Dre Dee called “Instructions for Living: How to Break Up (with a Single Friend),” which came from a magazine called 2: The Magazine for Couples.  From a couple-centric lens, it might make sense.  Amatonormativity dictates that your partner comes first, and a single friend’s priorities would upset the balance.
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This piece is all about cutting off coupled friends.  And I don’t mean all of them.  I have quite a few coupled friends who are great allies.  I understand that friendships change with someone partners up; amatonormativity dictates the rule is “put your partner first.”  It’s not fair, but it’s the way it is.  This is why I encourage my fellow singletons to have a network of friends; don’t just limit your friendships to one or two people.  

Because of that, some of my friendships have changed, and there’s been an instance or two when I’ve had to end said friendship.  There was James, the friend that said, “That’s WILD” when I told him about my choice not to have kids.  He had known about this for years.  I didn’t say anything at the time, but it came to a head when he became upset about some comments I made about a certain controversial figure who was killed.

The Story of Mary was a heartbreaking one.  We’d been friends for years before she started dating Dave.  He seemed like a cool enough guy to me.  One night, they came to visit me in DC, and I got into a conversation with a woman, Amy, when the three of us were on the DC Metro.  Dave kept butting in with non-sequiturs and before we got off at my stop, he said, “You should get each other’s numbers.”  Uhhh, no shit, Sherlock, I thought.  We did end up dating for five months before an amicable breakup; she wanted a traditional life.  I didn’t.  We’re cool.

During the time Amy and I were dating, Mary informed me that she and Dave broke up because he threatened to ditch her on a road trip to North Carolina; this wasn’t their first breakup and not the first time he’d threatened to leave her somewhere.  During a conversation we had later on, I told her, “Don’t go back to him whatever you do.” 

Of course, she did eventually.  I set a boundary, stating, “I won’t hang out with the two of you.  I just don’t agree with what you’re doing.”  At one point, I thought I could come around to being in the pair’s presence, but I had to call Dave out on his behavior on the Metro, butting into our conversation.  I did it through a Facebook private message, and thought I’d done so; Dave disagreed, not so gently. 

Mary then told me that my comment upset him so much that the two of them had gotten into a row, and he wrote a suicide note.  Although he didn’t follow through, I still became overwhelmed with feelings of guilt, even though I knew I couldn’t take responsibility for his feelings.  I’d planned to visit them and sleep on Mary’s couch.  Due to Dave’s discomfort about the situation and his recent breakdown, Mary put me up in a hotel.  Mary and I hung out, but I just couldn’t be in the same room as Dave; I felt my presence would exacerbate the situation.  Over the next few months, my communication with Mary became less frequent.  Then it became nonexistent.

I felt bad about the situation, but upon reflection, I also realized that some people are only meant to be in our lives for a season or two.  As a single at heart person, I realized that some friendships are transitory.  For that matter, some romances are too, which is why I’m skeptical about the idea of marriage. 

I’ve also been blessed with a great job in Washington, DC.  I always tell people that no matter what you’re into, DC’s got something for you.  This includes happy singles.  I have a network of single friends whom I see semi-regularly.  Some have coupled, but they “get it.”  And I have a large enough network that it doesn’t hurt that much when someone does.

But if a person can’t respect my own choices and life, I have to let that person go.  In this case, the breakup happened organically.  But in the case of James, I told him how his comment made me feel.  He didn’t respond, so I unfriended him.  It’s not comfortable to rip the Band-Aid, but sometimes, it’s necessary.

I’m trying to get better at it.

On May 23, 2018, a young man named Cameron Herrin decided to partake in a drag race across Tampa, Florida’s Bayshore Boulevard.  As a result, he killed two people: a woman and her child.  He was sentenced to twenty-four years in prison; he was eighteen.

Eight years later, a middle-aged man named Mustafa Eltayeb jumped a curb in his car and fatally hit a 38-year-old man named Sean King; this occurred in Fairfax, Virginia’s Leesburg Pike.  He was sentenced to twenty hours of community service.  Eltayeb was forty-three.

On the surface, this appears to be unequal justice: two very different sentences for the same crime.  Dig deeper, and this is VERY unequal justice: two very different sentences for the same crime, and my theory is that it’s due to the marital/parental status of the victims.  Comments on the YouTube video of Herrin’s sentencing included the following:

“I feel so sorry for the father. He lost his love and daughter, and these tiktokers actually defend the murderer and go against the poor man instead. This is just heartbreaking and disgusting.” - @Saturnforce5

“I truly feel sorry for that man(widowed) I'm in tears. Not only his wife, but his daughter, not even 24 years in prison will compensate for the heartbreak that he must be going through.” - @mio4541

“The mother and her child got life, he got off too easy.” - @rogergraham5902

In these instances, it wasn’t that these two people were killed.  It was that they were a wife and a mother that were killed.  And, to be sure, I sympathize with the husband.  And I don’t condone Mr. Herrin’s reckless driving.  I believe he should be sentenced to jail, but I think three to five years would be sufficient, along with a ten-year revocation of his license.  A letter of apology to the family and a community service requirement where he speaks to kids about the dangers of reckless driving would also be a nice touch. 

Now, let’s go to Sean King.  He did have a girlfriend who spoke to reporters.  But as far as we know, no spouse or kids.  So in a judge’s eyes, his life doesn’t matter, at least not as much as someone with a baby daughter and a man who signed that piece of paper.

I was heartened to see the comments were just as eviscerating of Mr. Eltayeb, and I would recommend the same sentence as Mr. Herrin.  He wasn’t drag racing, but he was distracted.  And when he came out of the courtroom, he denied even being involved in the crash.  If that’s not sociopathic behavior, I don’t know what is.  Just for fun, though, here are some of the comments on this video, which cared only that he was a person:

“Wow. Only 20hrs of community service for killing a man. Your community will remember this and how you betrayed them.” - @alexandbao

“Community service for killing somebody?!!!! Wtf” - @Ziggy33-j4s

“If the victim had been married and a parent, that guy would be behind bars for double digits. Unequal justice.”
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The last one came from me.  It got three likes.  Not sure who they are, but they get it.  I wish our legal system did.

A few times a year, I offer a workshop on Blogging to the veterans of the Armed Services Arts Partnership (ASAP).  One of the threads in my workshops is about how blogging can be a cool hobby, but it can also lead to other great things if you want to do.  Some of the participants want to use blogging to build brands.  Yesterday, one lady indicated wanting to use it to promote her customized T-shirt business.  A gentleman wished to use it to build his brand as a woodworker and entrepreneurship coach.  Another wanted to do a blog on parenting to speak to parents, mostly Moms.
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I begin the workshop by establishing my own ethos as a blogger; I briefly discuss how this blog has led to a brand as a “singlehood activist writer” or something to that effect, but for the most part, I have my “writing hat” on as opposed to the singlehood one.  But afterwards, I thought about how much of an impact blogging has had on my brand.  In fact, it started there.

Before I became introduced to Bella DePaulo, I was always trying to find “the one.”  But it never seemed to work out; in hindsight, my heart was never in those relationships/situationships/dating situations/whatever.  I was just trying to play the game to fit in.  Some of it was caused by those microaggressions (“When are you getting married/settling down/whatever”).  After going down the rabbit hole of Bella’s work, I did what any logophile does: I wrote about it in rants, observations, and musings.

Coincidentally, this was the time Community of Single People (CoSP) formed.  I was looking for an audience to validate my anger, and I got it.  As I kept writing, my tone became more refined.  About four years after I started blogging, the “publications” came all at once: an article in Revista Feminismos analyzing the singlist tropes in Crossing Delancey and Trainwreck; an activist piece for Spark: a 4C4 Equality Journal; and finally, How to be a Happy Bachelor.  I also talk about writing as a social tool; my blogging led to a connection with Ketaki Chowkhani, a scholar from Manipal, India; we worked on Singular Selves: An Introduction to Singles Studies, a collection of essays from scholars in the titular field.  I consider some of those scholars to be friends.

And all of those things have led to Op-Eds, appearances on podcasts, an interview on a TV news show, and, of course, tenure.  I was awarded the title of full professor this past summer; this title is a rarity in higher education now.  I’m on the Board of Singles Equality, an organization that aims to raise awareness of all things singlehood advocacy-related.  And I realize the previous paragraphs are an infodump of my accomplishments, but the point is that blogging was the road I took to get to where I’m at.  And I encourage students in these workshops to blog regularly and to be open to where their writing might take them.

When I started blogging, I was just looking for an outlet.  I never thought it would be a career or a brand.  But here we are.  So, if you’re a writer, keep writing. 

Bachelor's Note: This is my response to an exercise in a humor writing book that prompts you to describe a "bachelor's fridge."  Being the irreverent dude I am, I took this slant.  It's my freezer, but you get the point.

Maaaaaaaaaaaaan, that bachelor of mine keeps me full.  All those Coke Zeros and Gatorades and 2-liter bottles of orange soda; the oranges and celery and salad in those drawers down below.  Oh, and this week, he put his meat in me.  Deli meat, that is, so get your head out of the gutter!  Slammed it right in that drawer where my cousin Cheese chills at.  And that lovely egg holder.  I got a lot going on upstairs; veggies and frozen breads and pastries and meat.  Ohhhh, and he treated me to some French fries to go with the burgers and hot dogs he got for Labor Day.

Fuck these marrieds who think those bachelors can’t keep our ilk full.  Maybe some can’t, but this one’s got it GOING ON.  And that married couple I had twenty years ago, well, I got a little sick of the Bud Lights they kept sticking in me.  And hearing that wife throwing up all the time. 
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Marriage must really fuck with some people.  And, by proxy, my brothers and sisters.

“I feel bad for couples who want to start families and can’t afford homes.”  I heard someone say this at the Rush concert I attended at Madison Square Garden this past summer.
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As someone who sees just about everything through the lens of singles advocacy, my first thought is, what about us solos!?  But upon further reflection, I realized he had a point: it’s much harder to achieve the American dream we’ve been sold for decades.  Job, home, spouse, family, white picket fence.  And recently, AI experts are warning that AI could kill all humans in the next decade.  That prediction may be sensationalistic, but it is a concern given all the jobs being taken by AI.  So why are we still obsessed with having kids?

I grew up in a suburb, and it was just expected that I follow that path.  After my parents had me, they bought their home in Spring Valley for $44,250 in 1978, shortly after I was born.  They sold it for $103,000 in 1994 before buying a new one for $160,000.   Today, a similar one goes for $850,000.  As a solo, I own a 2-bedroom condo; it’s perfect for me and my cat Chester.  I don’t desire to have kids or move in with a partner.  So, I’m living the life that works for me.  And more people are embracing and enjoying solo living.

Yet, the dream remains.  Society talks about having children as if “having a baby” is the best reward.  However, that baby will become a child, and then an adolescent.  In most states, you’re legally responsible for them until they turn eighteen.  And those eighteen years are loaded with costs: the housing example, childcare, medical expenses, and, of course “Can I PLEASE have this!?”  And, with so many college graduates struggling to find jobs, many are living with their parents, not by choice.  And with AI, this problem could get worse in the next couple of decades.  So why do we still mandate the life script of “marriage and children?” 

Of course, people who want that life should be able to have it.  But it shouldn’t be the only measure of success; the American Dream should have many variations.  For some people, it’s the “white picket fence” life.  For others, it may be living with roommates or extended family.  For someone else, it might be a townhouse, a spouse, and no children.  In my case, it’s my career, condo, cat, travel, and an active social life.  None of those should be seen as having failed.