I didn’t expect everyone to agree with my argument that the Childfree/Childless be included in DEI’s initiatives; I concede it’s an unorthodox idea.  And, to be sure, while it garnered a lot of support in the Higher Ed Learning Collective Facebook group, it got some pushback; said disagreement was generally civil, except for the person, a self-proclaimed "Social Justice Advocate," who spouted “Straight up bullshit…so fucking gross!” 

I was, admittedly, a bit stunned when I read Megan Strong’s letter to the editor, entitled “DEI Should Not Focus On Childfree Cat Guys.” After pondering, I decided to take it as a compliment: something I wrote really got to someone, enough they would take the time to conduct research, write about it, and publish it. I do empathize with Dr. Strong’s position, but I still disagree with the tenets of her argument.

First, the title.  I never suggested that DEI should focus on childfree cat guys, merely that it includes this population (not to mention cat ladies, dog ladies, and anybody else who’s childless or childfree).  Inclusion: the third word in DEI.

Second, nobody is arguing that DEI initiatives are under attack.  One of the criticisms of DEI is that it limits free expression and dialogue in college classrooms.  In my classes, we regularly discuss different perspectives on romantic relationships and their value in my society; I hear all different viewpoints on the issue, so I have not found this to be the case at all.  However, when a practitioner and scholar of DEI argues that DEI initiatives “shouldn’t include” a certain population, it supports said argument from DEI’s detractors.  Moreover, this explicitly runs counter to the idea of “inclusion,” one of the tenets of DEI.  I’m sure the people who conceptualized the idea would frown upon such gatekeeping, something DEI was designed to prevent.

Third, I acknowledged the difficulties of parenting in my original piece.  And yes, I believe the Surgeon General’s Warning that parents are going through a tough time.  One doesn’t need such a warning to understand how difficult parenting is; that is one of the reasons I’ve opted out of it.  However, there are two problems with this argument: 1) the difficulty one group faces does not cancel out the oppression another group faces.  Dr. Strong, a sociologist, should understand the idea of Oppression Olympics; and 2) parenting is a choice.  A valid one for many, but a choice nonetheless.  And Dr. Strong has forgotten about the thousands of women who are childless, as opposed to childfree.  I fall into the latter category (not wanting kids), but the former consists of those who wanted children but couldn’t have them.  Seeing parents receive the privilege they do can cause them to feel even more marginalized than they already do.  Can’t DEI initiatives acknowledge that more than one group can be subject to some degree of oppression, even if for different reasons?

Dr. Strong had quite the visceral reaction on the Facebook page when she read it: “Unbelievable.”  She further went onto say that she thought the “Bingo card” would be an actual bingo card and was “disappointed.”  I can only speculate, but is it possible that those saying resonate with some of her own dialogue?  And is it possible that she doesn’t like the fact that she’s been called to the carpet on this issue, perhaps for the first time?

New ideas can be threatening to anyone, even academics who are supposed to embrace them.  Galileo was punished harshly for having the gall to suggest Earth revolved around the sun.  John Scopes was arrested for teaching evolution.  So the idea that marginalization of Childfree/Childless people should be included in DEI discussions will understandably ruffle some feathers.   But it is extremely irresponsible, not to mention hypocritical, for one person (particularly one who advocates for social justice-related issues) to decide what is not a microaggression and what does not belong in a certain category.  When that person does that, they’re just as prejudiced as those who commit those acts of oppression, thus necessitating DEI committees to exist in the first place.

Finally, the soon-to-be, second-most powerful person in the United States essentially stated that the votes of people without children shouldn't be counted as much as those with.  The soon-to-be most powerful person in the US looks to Vladamir Putin as a mentor in governance.  Russia is in the process of banning "propaganda" in favor of childfree styles.  If, after reading about it, Dr. Strong is not convinced that the childfree/childless are deserving of a spot in DEI spaces, then she has no business whatsoever discussing oppression.

Here's a link to my original article, "Letter from a Childfree Cat Guy."

In my book, How to be a Happy Bachelor, and the recent talks I’ve given at Profs and Pints events throughout the DMV, the following projection is mentioned: by 2030, one-fourth of Americans between the ages of 45 and 54 will have never been married.  And, of course, I am one of those twenty-five percent.  Some people cite that statistic as the downfall of society (including a supposed liberal named David Brooks) while others embrace it and laud it as an example of progress.  I’m in the latter camp.
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And as of this writing, fifty percent of Americans over the age of 18 are legally single, and half of those have no interest in dating.  Yet, in this last Presidential election, both candidates (and their respective number twos) touted their spouses in front of their audiences because despite the growth of singlehood (particularly the voluntary kind), they want to appeal to a public whose mentality is entrenched in “traditional family values.”  If I had a nickel for every time a politician pledged to help “working families” instead of “working people,” I wouldn’t need to be a working person.

As a board member of Unmarried Equality, an organization that aims to facilitate advocacy for singles under a huge array of laws that privilege the married, I’ve had discussions with a number of people who’ve talked about mobilizing singles to change laws.  Sadly, many aren’t interested in it because: 1) they don’t see it as a form of oppression; after all, we’re not subject to violence because of our status; 2) they see it as liminal.  In fact, most hope to become “un-single.”

But I do have hope.  The new 4B movement, which started in South Korea, has come to the United States in the wake of all the rhetoric around “Your Body, My Choice,” which stemmed from President-Elect Donald Trump’s recent victory and the possibility of a national abortion ban, as outlined in that massive Project 2025 document.

For the past nine years, I’ve been immersed in the Singles Studies discipline.  Additionally, through my writing, I’ve been advocating for awareness around equity issues as they relate to singles, as well as those who are childless/childfree (the difference being that childless folks want kids but don’t have them for a variety of reasons; for childfree people, it’s a choice).  There are a small number of us with this passion, but at times, it feels futile trying to get people to advocate in large numbers.  However, this election gave me hope, despite the outcome.

When JD Vance’s ridiculous comment about “childless cat ladies” hit cyberspace, to say there was a firestorm put it mildly.  A Facebook group called “Cat Ladies for Kamala Harris” popped up, and suddenly, being childfree/childless doesn’t appear to have the same stigma it used to.  I walked around Dupont Circle a few days after my “America Needs More Childfree Cat Ladies” T-shirt came in.  It got a lot of compliments, although I’m pretty sure one older gentleman bumped into me intentionally.  I bumped back because, well, I stick up for my own.

I wrote a piece about inclusion of Childfree/Childless people in Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion spaces for Inside Higher Ed; it got its share of likes, but I was disheartened that supposedly enlightened academics didn’t think childfree people are oppressed, including one comment from a supposed “advocate for social justice” who commented with “This is straight up bullshit.  So fucking gross!”  Do you kiss your kids with that mouth, friend?

But enough people were able to validate this, including a couple of journalists who posed the idea of a childfree voting bloc.  Even after Vance’s comment, which we later doubled down on, Harris and Walz gave support to this population, but only in their rhetoric.  I do believe there needs to be more equity for the childfree.  But since my work focuses primarily on the single, I’m going to propose a Singles voting bloc.

First, politicians, whether they be Republican, Democrat, or Independent, have never paid attention to singles.  It’s all about the family. “Working families!”  “Let’s help families!”  My cat/son Chester and I may be a family, but these politicians are referring to the nuclear family.  And as Presidential candidates are trying to appeal to folks in Middle America, who are more likely to be married than those on the coasts, they need to speak to that seeming majority. 

But, as of 2023, there are 117.6 million single people in the United States.  And many of them yearn to be partnered and might not care about how policies discriminate against them.  But some don’t want to be partnered.  And many people might care about such inequities if they were enlightened.  On the three occasions I delivered my talk at Profs and Pints, it appeared as if a collective light bulb went over the heads of my audience members; they were eager to share their experiences at having been marginalized by such laws.  And, up to this point, singles’ rights have been a nonpartisan issue, just like with the Alliance of Childfree Voters.  But if we were to mobilize, politicians might start paying attention to our needs, no matter what shade of the political spectrum we’re on.  The first step is getting the word out. 

This article is a start.

“Welcome to your life…there’s no turning back.” 

I had the opening lyrics to that Tears for Fears song, “Everybody Wants to the World,” running through my head as I stood on the platform at the Grosvenor/Strathmore Metro, waiting for my train to take me through my (relatively) breezy commute to work. 
 
And it is a nice commute.  I get my steps in during my 10-minute walk to and from the Metro. 
 
Since the last time I wrote about my journey in solo homeowning, I’ve adjusted some blinds, had the toilet seat replaced, received a hefty property tax bill, placed some Monet prints on my bedroom wall, framed a pair of magazine covers from the week of Jerry Garcia’s death and placed them in my office, and cooked some real meals in my kitchen (including some tuna nachos).

​But the highlights:

I longed for a two-bedroom so I could have a space to house my home office as well as guests.  And, as of this writing, I’ve had two.  Doug, my fellow Single at Heart, loves to chase roller coasters the way I used to chase concerts.  On his way from Toms River, New Jersey to Busch Gardens, he stopped at my place for the night, where we talked Russian history, and of course, being Single at Heart. 
 
This past weekend, Mark, my fellow Deadhead, traveled from Newport News, Virginia to see a Grateful Dead tribute band called Joe Russo’s Almost Dead.  We had a nice trip to the show via Metro (living in DC really did spoil me on the public transportation front). 
 
I’ve also had Jim and Luis, two local friends, over for dinner on separate occasions.  As I have a table in my mini-dining room, I had us sit down at the table; I even set up placemats, coasters, plates, and silverware.  This solo does it right!
 
And, of course, the housewarming.  I wrote about it in my last post, so I won’t get too much into it, but it was amazing being able to celebrate with old and new friends.  And I’m enjoying the gifts from my registry (see pics here).  Thus far, I’ve done the following:

• Plugged in that coffee pot from Faith and used it every morning to brew my caffeine fix
• Set up that speaker from Antionette in my kitchen, which I play while I cook
• Set up my headband/earbuds combination from Stephanie, which I have going when I jog
• Started feeding Chester the Fancy Feast Stephanie got me 
• Affixed the mezuzah Doug got me to the wall with command strips
• Enjoyed some of that snack food, particularly the chips from Tanya.  I’m waiting to get through the leftover pizza before I start cooking with the pasta I got from other guests, who will get a shout-out on the next post
• Placed the “Steal Your Face” decal on my car’s rear window (I’m not big into decorating my auto, but it was the only place it would go, and I already have a parking pass on it).  This one came from Steve.
• Taken Steve’s gift of a snazzy messenger bag on a couple of Metro rides
• Drank out of the Grateful Dead coffee mug Pete sent me (are we seeing a theme?)
• Started reading Surrounded by Idiots, sent to me by Rachel
• Watched and reviewed She-Devil, handed to me by Chris

As I have quite a few Costco-sized bags of snacks left over from the party, I’ll be planning on hosting a Singles Game Night at my place in the future.  That was another reason for me getting a place this size; I just love hosting.  Stay tuned!

Finally, that list of gifts and people I love bring to mind Bella's quote: "Married people have the one, single people have the oneS."  Of course, there are exceptions, but in my case, it applies.
 

I haven’t attended or been invited to a wedding in over fourteen years.  I sometimes joke these lack of invites indicate a better choice (for me, anyway) in friends, as I’m gravitating toward other single to at heart folks.  But I went to quite a few of them in my 20s, three of which I served as a groomsman.  And it cost me money and time.  Gifts, tux, travel in some cases.  In fact, a finding stated that in 2022, the average guest spent $430 to attend a wedding.  Sounds about right.
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And I’m not saying weddings AREN’T worth celebrating.  But why are they more important than, say, promotions?   Or getting a new job?  Or, in my case, getting tenure and buying a home?  When I got tenure, I planned on having a celebration once I bought a home.

And part of that celebration included a registry.  The way I see it, if a couple can ask for gifts for combining names and incomes (which yields them more money anyway), then I can ask for gifts for having worked my tail off to get tenure and buy this home.  I mean, Carrie Bradshaw even popularized that idea.

It meant a lot to me to be able to celebrate these two significant milestones with people I love and care about, but I had an ulterior motive: to try to give them the same amount of weight (to the best of my ability anyway; I wasn’t about to pay for invitation cards).  And here are some pictures:

It was quite a day.  Chester woke me up with his customary yell at 5:30 in the morning.   After I finished grading weekly journals from students (due the night before) and got my jog in, I did my best channeling of Guy Fieri as I: 1) combined vegetables, sausage, ground beef, tomatoes, beans, and a cacophony of spices into a chili; 2) cut up eggs and mashed up the yolks for deviled eggs; 3) combined sugar, flour, cocoa powder, butter, eggs, vanilla extract, and just a hint of salt to make brownies; 4) combined the Trader Joe’s brand of pumpkin bread mix with an egg, water, and canola oil to make…pumpkin bread.
At 12:15, Christina of Onely fame came by, as did Charlie.  Then Johnny Mac followed.  The next twelve hours are a bit of a blur, as people from my Childfree Singles of the DMV, DMV Childfrees, and Asexuals and Aromantics of the Mid-Atlantic groups came, as did friends from CoSP and my neighborhood.  Conversations (that I can remember) included:

• Microlabels around asexuality and aromanticism discourse
• Our experiences with cats (I seem to attract a lot of cat parents these days)
• Travel experiences, particularly to Japan
• The importance of advocating for the Childfree (Thanks, Mr. Vance)
• Me holding court on the bare basics of Singles Studies

​And Rolf brought a game called Truth be Told, where we asked questions to gauge how well we know each other.  I enjoyed the quirky responses, and I even won (I never win at board games).  And toward the end of the night, Kevin and I had a deep conversation about the nature of friendship as I washed dishes and straightened up.

I had planned on screening a pro-single movie.  I asked CoSP to pick from my list of films reviewed; the winners were Whip It, 28 Days, and Private Benjamin.  I didn’t want to disrupt the natural flow of conversation, and board games are more interactive.  But I did have Whip It spinning on the DVD player while I opened my gifts, and Private Benjamin filled the room during my first wave of writing thank-you notes (that’s one way in which I consider myself old school).

On the second wave of thank-you notes, I had the podcast, Spinsterhood Reimagined playing, guest-starring my good friend and colleague, Ketaki Chowkhani.  It was all I could do to keep away from compulsively checking the election hype. 

Sadly, I woke up at 6:30 the following morning to learn Trump had taken it.  While I was deeply saddened, I wasn’t surprised; this is the face of the United States and it always has been.  This may sound quixotic, but maybe if the Democrats paid more attention to single voters (a generally non-partisan population), particularly in the wake of J.D. Vance’s “childless cat ladies” comment, things might have been different.  I doubt it, but it’s nice to believe.  And that’s why the advocacy we do is important.

I’m writing this paragraph on November 6, the day after the United States Presidential election.  The mood was dour on the Metro this morning, and I saw a few students in tears.  I gave my class the option to attend in-person; of the eight that showed, five stayed until the end.  And they were willing and ready to learn.  We had a nice impromptu review of how to use Purdue OWL and ChatGPT to assist with citing sources in APA (writer/scholar geek stuff).  And I felt a little less depressed after that; I was impressed at the resilience of those students.

I’ll continue to speak and write about singlehood for as long as I’m legally allowed to.  Because no matter who you support, you may be single by choice or by circumstance.  So someone needs to give a voice to them, no matter who is bothered by it.

Celebrating milestones other than marriage or childbirth, like a housewarming, is a good start.