Declining Rates of Marriage Not a Crisis, But a Change

With the holidays coming up, a lot of my fellow singletons will be subjected to questions like, “When are you settling down?”  “Are you seeing anyone?”  These questions seem innocuous, but they carry the meaning that they’re not meeting someone else’s timeline.  If the person who has no interest in partnering (many of them are referred to as “single at hearts” by psychologist Bella DePaulo), they may be able to brush off such comments.  For the person who’s feeling bad about being single, such questions can elicit feelings of inadequacy. 
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These questions also reflect the societal fear that fewer people are following the traditional, tried, and true path of getting married and having children.  A recent article from The Economist, “The Great Relationship Recession,” is an example of the hand-wringing on people making choices that differ from what’s seen as “normal.”  But we need to recognize that this fear is overblown.  We’re not in a crisis; we’re just making a change.

There are myriad options outside the “relationship escalator,” coined by Amy Gahran.  This refers to the model that a romance must follow the pattern of meet, date, become exclusive, move in together, marry, have kids, white picket fence, grandkids, etc.  Some folks enjoy various forms of consensual non-monogamy.  Situationships aren’t the evil the general public makes them out to be, so long as both parties are honest about their intentions.  And of course, there’s pure, unbridled singlehood. 

The escalator model is valid, and it works for many people, some of my friends and family included.  But a lot of people enjoy the other arrangements.  Living apart together works for a lot of couples.  Many of my coupled friends are childfree by choice.  And I have a cousin who’s had a husband and a boyfriend at the same time.  They seem happy.

I’m a happy singleton, as are most of my friends these days, but I (begrudgingly) understand we’re in the minority.  One of the reasons I am happy with my relationship status is that I have a wide network of friends; data shows that singles tend to have more social connections than their coupled counterparts.  As a male, I’m an anomaly in this area, as, for most men, their social network consists of their partner. 

Women are encouraged to form relationships outside romantic partnerships, which is why they’re typically better off after a divorce or breakup than men are.   In fact, data shows that single women tend to be happier and healthier than married women.  To be fair, Paul Dolan, the researcher who popularized this finding, admitted a flaw in that he had mentioned they were happier than their spouses weren’t present.  This turned out to be a misinterpretation, but it doesn’t negate the data.  An observation of the single and married women I’ve talked to confirms this finding.

Over the past decade, I’ve built a brand as The Happy Bachelor.  All of my extended family members and friends know this, so they know better than to ask me those annoying questions.  But they’re likely to show up for others, especially as we’re saturated with those films where the independent, career-oriented woman abandons her high-flying, glamorous urban life to move to a small town to settle down into “family life” with that flannel-wearing hunk she’s known for a grand total of five days, that classic Hallmark plot structure that sells movie tickets and streaming subscriptions by the thousands. 

So here’s my advice: when you see your single family members and friends, instead of asking “are you seeing anyone?” ask about their professional accomplishments, their hobbies, their friends, their travel plans, or, if applicable, their pets.  Not only does it make them feel seen, but it’ll likely remind you that a fulfilling life comes in many shapes and sizes.  And that’s worth celebrating.  We need to challenge the narrative that it’s not.