Are You Single at Heart - And Unaware?

Trevor Noah appears to be a champion of singlehood.  In 2024, he went public about how he feels society unfairly judges singles.  This is known as singlism, a concept coined by social scientist Bella DePaulo.  He’s talked about how he sees friendship as being even more important than romance. 
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However, he concluded his latest Netflix special, Joy from the Trenches, by opening up about his love life, as a lot of comedians do to conclude their sets.  He indicated a therapist told him he was “undateable,” partly because he works and travels too much.  By that standard, I’m as undatebale as they come; I just don’t care.  Without going into too much explanation, he delineated how men and women communicate differently during sex and have trouble figuring out the other’s language.  “And that’s why I’m still single,” he closed with.

My first reaction was, “Trevor!  I thought you were one of us happy singletons!”  To be clear, I’m referring to the term Single at Heart, a term DePaulo also created. This concept describes people who live their best lives as singletons.

To be fair, perhaps Noah doesn’t realize he’s a Single at Heart.  And why would he?  Our whole society lionizes coupledom.  The reality shows like The Bachelor and its many spinoffs.  The fact that someone can leave Social Security benefits to someone they’ve been married to for two whole months and possibly known for a month after that, but I can’t leave them to the brother I’ve known for forty-four years.  And let’s not forget all the couples discounts and singles supplements.

I first explored this idea of the unaware single at heart when I wrote my review of Project Hail Mary.  Ryan Gosling’s disgraced scientist turned teacher reveals to his new bromantic partner, Rocky, that he lost a girlfriend because “his head was in the clouds.”  At the film’s denouement, he’s happily teaching on a different planet without a romantic partner (as far as the viewer can see).  Perhaps his first love is his teaching; he’s just been conditioned to believe his first love is supposed to be a romantic partner.

From my own experience, I did the dating game in my 20s and 30s, trying to find “the one.”  I did seriously date a few people, but I never put them ahead of my friends or my pursuits.  Eventually, these women got tired or upset, and the relationship would end.  I’d be sad for a day or two, but then I’d feel relieved after that hump.  At one point, a friend advised me to just “not date” for three months. 

It was liberating. And during that time, I found the Community of Single People (CoSP), a worldwide Facebook group of singles who talk about issues that affect single people.  One hard, fast rule: no dating discussions.  When Bella released her book, Single at Heart, I read it and saw myself in the description.  In her “Are you Single at Heart” quiz, I scored a 14/14 (even though I was on the fence with Question 12: Do you have a sense of personal mastery—a can-do attitude and a sense that you can do just about anything you set your mind to?

I usually do, but sometimes I need a push.  So maybe I’m really 13.5? 

As I type this, I’m located in a library in Washington, DC; it’s 5:28 on a Thursday evening.  My grades are in for the semester, and I don’t have to be anywhere.  So I decided to hop on the Metro and take a leisurely fifteen-minute walk from the station to the library, where I’ll write.  If I had a partner, I might be obligated to have dinner at home with her.  Even if I don’t live with her, we might be doing something else.  At this time of year, I don’t want to have to “perform.”  Because, to me, “performative” is what one must do to maintain a relationship.  My morning was spent writing and reading, followed by a jog.  After lunch, I fell in and out of consciousness with Chester parked on my stomach.  To me, that’s paradise.  If I had been “successful” with dating, I might not be able to experience it.

Perhaps Trevor Noah will come to that awakening someday.