Everyone Needs to Learn How to be Single

In the UK, lessons in sex education have been updated to combat the growing influence of “incel” culture and the “manosphere,” namely the choking of a partner.  And, to be sure, the manosphere is contributing to a lot of toxic behavior among men with respect to transactional views on dating and romantic relationships.  And participants in those kinds of relationships should learn how to be an equitable partner.   This should be part of curricula on sex and relationship education.

​However, such programs overlook a crucial element of relationships: the relationship with oneself.  And this is where singlehood comes into play.  Like it or not, marital rates are declining and expected to do so in the years to come.  And even if someone does get into a relationship, get married, and live “happily ever after,” chances are, that person will become single again, whether through divorce or death.  And while most single people want to become “unsingle,” nothing’s guaranteed in life, so they’re just going to have to adjust.  So, relationship education shouldn't only teach people how to treat a partner. It should also teach people how to live well without one.

Studies have repeatedly shown that women do way better as singletons than men do, and why wouldn’t they?  They’re encouraged to form friendship networks, which requires a degree of vulnerability.  Men aren’t pushed into this; after all, it’s not “masculine.”  So their social network consists of their partner or spouse, if they have one.  And if they become divorced or widowed, they lose their social connection and become lost.  For many men who remain single, they don’t develop any social connections and stay lost (I’m an anomaly in this area). 

In a talk with a friend, I mentioned that education in romantic relationships is good for those who partner, but education in singlehood is essential for everyone, because everyone will be single at some point in their life.  I taught such a course at Hampton University, a one-credit seminar on “How to be Single and Happy.”  The syllabus had a disclaimer: this course will not teach you how to date or get a partner.  I read and emphasized that statement during the first session, expecting at least two or three folks to withdraw.  Everyone stayed until the end, and most earned As, having learned the benefits of life without a romantic partner.

The course introduced students to the concepts of singlism, matrimania, and amatonormativity and how they play out in our lives.  Singlism is the stereotyping of singles, matrimania is the societal obsession with marriage and weddings, and amatonormativity is the assumption that one’s life must revolve around the pursuit and maintenance of a romantic relationship.  Assignments included going to a meal solo, as well as going to the cinema sans company.

Such education in singlehood might include these elements, but they could also include life skills, like cooking for one, doing one’s laundry, balancing bills, and developing and maintaining non-romantic relationships.  And there’s also learning how to enjoy one’s solo time, which can include going out by yourself or developing hobbies.  These aren't simply relationship skills. They're independent living skills. They make someone a better partner if they couple and a happier person if they don't.  I’m living proof of that.

Of course, the goal doesn’t have to be partnership.  Many of us do thrive on our own more than we ever could partnered (Bella DePaulo refers to us as “Single at Hearts”).  But for those who want a lasting romantic relationship, they need to bring something to the table rather than just being served; sadly, in a lot of hetero relationships, men are the ones expecting to be served.  Women tend to do the bulk of the domestic and emotional labor, such as cooking, cleaning, budgeting, and, if there are kids involved, childcare.

For men who do want to be partnered, these are skills to master.  It may even make them more attractive to women.  And by then, they’ll be so confident they won’t be so preoccupied.  This may make them even more attractive.  Relationship education should prepare students for partnership. But education in singlehood should will prepare them for life. Since every adult will spend some portion of life uncoupled, whether by circumstance, choice, or somewhere in between, we should teach others not merely how to find and sustain romance, but how to flourish without it.