Friendship: The Real Relationship Recession

I’m a happy 47-year-old single man, and I believe there is a loneliness epidemic. But its roots have less to do with fewer people getting married and having children.  The real culprit is a widespread cultural assumption: friendship is secondary to romance.
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This problem goes by the name of amatonormativity.  Coined by Dr. Elizabeth Brake of Rice University, it refers to the belief that romance belongs on a higher tier than platonic friendship.  One example of how it looks in practice is ditching your best friend because you’ve met your soul mate, whom you plan to be with for the rest of your life, for better or for worse.

Studies show people may be harming themselves by doing this.  Bella DePaulo found that lifelong singles often report stronger well-being than people who are divorced or widowed, in part because married couples can become socially insular over time.  They focus on their partner, and, if applicable, children.  Similarly, Elyakim Kislev of Hebrew University found singles: 1) have larger networks of friendships; and 2) are more involved with their communities.  Many people in long-term partnerships disconnect from their social network; if they become divorced or widowed, they often struggle to find the social support they need. 

Researchers and writers are prescribing friendship-building as an antidote to loneliness.  Journalist and author Rhaina Cohen also argues for the importance of friendships.  While she’s currently married, she’s indicated that having a romantic partner is not necessarily a deterrent to loneliness.  She has platonic friendships she treats as equal to her marriage.  Dr. Marisa Franco of the University of Maryland, a close friend of Cohen’s, would agree; her work has connected attachment theory to how to establish, maintain, and develop friendships.

I have a variety of platonic relationships with men and women that add a great deal to my life.  As DePaulo says, “Married people have the one; single people have the ones.”  My friend Pete and I meet up at concerts on a semi-regular basis.  I exchange movie quotes with another friend, Drew, who now lives 200 miles away from me.  Josh and I, friends from college and lifelong New York Mets fans, make a point to see them play at Nationals Park at least once a year.  I often call Christina for life advice, and she does the same with me.  And there are many others too numerous to list here.

In a talk Dr. Franco gave on friendship, a participant expressed concern about what happens when their friends partner up and slowly (or quickly) drift away, the essence of amatonormativity.  It hurts when that happens, but sadly, that’s part of our structure.  So my suggestion: don’t put all your eggs in one basket.  Keep a couple of close friends, for sure, but I’ve benefited from having a network of people.  If one friend doesn’t want to go to the concert, I’ll call another.  And if I can’t find anyone to go with, I’ll go solo.  I met Pete doing that.

Of course, romance can be one of life’s great joys for some people. But it shouldn’t occupy a higher tier than friendship. If marriage is often called the cornerstone of society, friendship is the scaffolding that keeps the rest of life standing. Romantic relationships  eventually end through divorce, distance, illness, or death. The people who sustain us afterward are often the friends we neglected while building our romances. 

Let’s put friendship at the center of our lives.