How to Break Up with a Coupled/Married Friend

In Singled Out, Bella cites an article by Dre Dee called “Instructions for Living: How to Break Up (with a Single Friend),” which came from a magazine called 2: The Magazine for Couples.  From a couple-centric lens, it might make sense.  Amatonormativity dictates that your partner comes first, and a single friend’s priorities would upset the balance.
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This piece is all about cutting off coupled friends.  And I don’t mean all of them.  I have quite a few coupled friends who are great allies.  I understand that friendships change with someone partners up; amatonormativity dictates the rule is “put your partner first.”  It’s not fair, but it’s the way it is.  This is why I encourage my fellow singletons to have a network of friends; don’t just limit your friendships to one or two people.  

Because of that, some of my friendships have changed, and there’s been an instance or two when I’ve had to end said friendship.  There was James, the friend that said, “That’s WILD” when I told him about my choice not to have kids.  He had known about this for years.  I didn’t say anything at the time, but it came to a head when he became upset about some comments I made about a certain controversial figure who was killed.

The Story of Mary was a heartbreaking one.  We’d been friends for years before she started dating Dave.  He seemed like a cool enough guy to me.  One night, they came to visit me in DC, and I got into a conversation with a woman, Amy, when the three of us were on the DC Metro.  Dave kept butting in with non-sequiturs and before we got off at my stop, he said, “You should get each other’s numbers.”  Uhhh, no shit, Sherlock, I thought.  We did end up dating for five months before an amicable breakup; she wanted a traditional life.  I didn’t.  We’re cool.

During the time Amy and I were dating, Mary informed me that she and Dave broke up because he threatened to ditch her on a road trip to North Carolina; this wasn’t their first breakup and not the first time he’d threatened to leave her somewhere.  During a conversation we had later on, I told her, “Don’t go back to him whatever you do.” 

Of course, she did eventually.  I set a boundary, stating, “I won’t hang out with the two of you.  I just don’t agree with what you’re doing.”  At one point, I thought I could come around to being in the pair’s presence, but I had to call Dave out on his behavior on the Metro, butting into our conversation.  I did it through a Facebook private message, and thought I’d done so; Dave disagreed, not so gently. 

Mary then told me that my comment upset him so much that the two of them had gotten into a row, and he wrote a suicide note.  Although he didn’t follow through, I still became overwhelmed with feelings of guilt, even though I knew I couldn’t take responsibility for his feelings.  I’d planned to visit them and sleep on Mary’s couch.  Due to Dave’s discomfort about the situation and his recent breakdown, Mary put me up in a hotel.  Mary and I hung out, but I just couldn’t be in the same room as Dave; I felt my presence would exacerbate the situation.  Over the next few months, my communication with Mary became less frequent.  Then it became nonexistent.

I felt bad about the situation, but upon reflection, I also realized that some people are only meant to be in our lives for a season or two.  As a single at heart person, I realized that some friendships are transitory.  For that matter, some romances are too, which is why I’m skeptical about the idea of marriage. 

I’ve also been blessed with a great job in Washington, DC.  I always tell people that no matter what you’re into, DC’s got something for you.  This includes happy singles.  I have a network of single friends whom I see semi-regularly.  Some have coupled, but they “get it.”  And I have a large enough network that it doesn’t hurt that much when someone does.

But if a person can’t respect my own choices and life, I have to let that person go.  In this case, the breakup happened organically.  But in the case of James, I told him how his comment made me feel.  He didn’t respond, so I unfriended him.  It’s not comfortable to rip the Band-Aid, but sometimes, it’s necessary.

I’m trying to get better at it.