If Singles Ruled the World...

It’s no secret that less people are getting married.   The Pew Research Center has predicted that by 2030, one in four Americans will have never married by the age of 50.  At present, 50% of the US population over the age of eighteen is single.  Half of those folks aren’t even interested in dating.  And young people want more friendship and less romance in their media.  This is alarming to the Heritage Foundation, who recently published a position paper entitled “We Must Save the American Family,” the goal of which is to encourage more people to follow the traditional path of getting married and having children.

If one’s going to talk fairly and accurately about singlehood, they must understand two major terms, both coined by Dr. Bella DePaulo: singlism, the stereotyping and discrimination against people who are single; and matrimania, the over-the-top societal obsession with marriage as the ultimate mark of happiness.  These ideas are extremely damaging; I propose a world in which singlehood is considered equal to marriage and other forms of couplehood.

Any person who’s been single for any length of time can relate to being asked, “Are you seeing anyone?” or “When are you going to settle down, get married, having a kid, etc.?”  While such statements may be well-meaning, they can come off as patronizing, and they can cause people to enter relationships and marriages that are unfulfilling, toxic, or even dangerous.  I stayed in quite a few unhappy relationships because of this fear of being alone. 

The socialization that “single is bad” is one of the many reasons victims of domestic violence are afraid to leave their relationships.  In less extreme cases, they stay in toxic or unhappy marriages out of fear of being alone or the astronomical costs of divorce, among other reasons.  While I have never been married, I have stayed in unfulfilling relationships because I didn’t want to be single. Similarly, I had a friend who constantly complained about how unhappy she was in her relationship, yet they’ve been together for over six years for the benefits.  One shouldn’t have to live that way.

The “single is bad” message is also rampant in our media.  Movies and TV series often end with protagonists coupling up, and advertisements overwhelmingly show couples and families enjoying their products.  I conducted a study a few years ago that found that pharmaceutical advertisements were guilty of this same inequity.  Fortunately, J Walter Thompson put together a report that showed the buying power of single people, which showed us to be a huge part of the market.  But this was in 2019, the year before I conducted this study.  Through loose observations over the past few years, I can safely conclude advertising still favors images of couples and families.

Our legal and financial structures also favor the married.  For example, when I die, I can leave my Social Security benefits to a partner or child, but not to my brother, who I’ve known for the past forty-three years.  I could place a spouse on my health insurance player, but not a domestic partner.  Now, the Heritage Foundation wants to create special savings account for married people only, as if the privileges I mentioned aren’t enough.

I envision a world in which singles receive the same treatment as married people.  I’m not anti-marriage; in a time where the current administration is considering abolishing gay marriage, I strongly believe anybody who wants to marry should be able to, regardless of gender identity or sexual orientation.  But why should they have to get married to receive benefits?  Two of the many changes I’d like to see are:

• an abolition of the Marital Communications Privilege, which removes spouses from having to testify against each other; ending this privilege would hold more criminals accountable for their actions and would prevent them from being acquitted due to the lack of testimony from a spouse
• an end to couples’ discounts; why should a singleton pay more for their telephone plan, especially when married men are shown to make more money?

Singlism and matrimania do not rise to the level of racism and homophobia, but  singlehood is an undervalued state, and we need to look at singlehood as equal to marriage, as well as other forms of couplehood.  Society does benefit from single people; for example, data shows that singles volunteer more than married people.  They also support their friends and biological family more than those who’ve tied the knot.  And as more people realize the benefits of being single, our institutions need to catch up.