Inspired By My Haters - Part 2

While I don’t love the fact that ChatGPT now has to be considered in writing instruction, I do consult with it when I have a personal problem or deep question.  Of course, it doesn’t replace human interaction, but it can supplement it, and in some cases, it can reaffirm things I’ve been told.  In this post, I’ll weave the advice I received from ChatGPT and folks on CoSP into my own developing thoughts on this manner.

I read about a psychological concept known as “normative idealization,” which is the idea that people tend to think of “their” way of living as the “normal” or “right” way to live.  And the “relationship escalator” has become so normalized (and rewarded) in our world that it’s only natural for people to think that marriage is the way.  But, like anything, marriage comes with sacrifices and challenges . That’s not to say singlehood doesn’t either, even for us happy singletons, but this piece will focus on how some of those challenges might put some married people on the defensive. 

One person on CoSP put it in more accessible terms: it’s just human nature for people to think of their way as “the way.”  And because marriage is seen as the gold standard (and the silver, and the bronze), other lifestyles don’t make sense to people who’ve followed that path, particularly if their upbringing and their culture has instilled it into them.  And when people don’t understand something, their first instinct is to attack it.

The challenges of marriage are also just too much for some people.  In my more active dating days, one friend put to me bluntly, “When you’re married or in a serious relationship, you can’t just do whatever you want.”  It’s true; there are rules to consider, the most prominent being that you have to consult with your partner on just about everything.  And not everybody’s wired for that life.  Some of those people may have entered into marriage before realizing that, or they just went against their instincts because, well, “it’s just what I’m supposed to do.”  I thought that way before Bella’s work switched me over to the dark side (or light side, depending on how you look at it).  And I like to think CoSP has done that for a lot of people, and that I’ve been a significant part of that mission.

But some people can’t (or won’t) see it for what it is.  The “sunk costs” fallacy comes into play.  Some think, “I’ve spent all this money on a wedding and merged my life with theirs.  I’ve spent all this time.  How DARE they do that thing that I wish I could do but now can’t!  And divorce is expensive!  And my friends and family will judge me for it!  So I’m gonna let ‘em have it!”
In the first part of this post, I brought up The Romance Mystic and Sharon Kass’s vitriolic responses to my work.  I obviously brought up some deep-seated emotions for them.  I don’t know either of them and am not qualified to psychoanalyze them, but I can speculate that both of them likely feel threatened by others who live differently from them.  In my experience, the happily married/coupled people I know are very supportive of singles’ choices; why would they judge?  I’ve even met and worked with some of them in the realm of Singles Studies and singles advocacy.  They’re secure enough to allow others their choices. 

At present, the laws don’t agree with the single lifestyle; neither does the media or medicine or countless other institutions.  To be fair, many of the figureheads in those institutions married for a myriad of reasons and may not be aware of the inequities toward singles.  And advocacy is about raising awareness, which is why organizations like Unmarried Equality (UE) and spaces like Community of Single People (CoSP) are so important.  And a lot of people, even in DEI spaces, don’t think such advocacy is necessary; after all, singles aren’t victims of “hate crimes,” at least not in the traditional sense. 

But I’ll persist.  And I think, on some level, my/our haters know I’m/we’re right.  They’re just not ready to admit it.  But maybe someday, that chariot will arrive for them.