With the rise of singles has come the increase in single homebuyers/homeowners. According to most recent data I read, “Forty-two percent of millennials have purchased a home alone, compared to 34 percent of Gen Xers (ages 44-59) and 22 percent of baby boomers (ages 60-78).” As of May 17, 2024, I am now one of that 34 percent. Being single has given me the flexibility to have a career that’s taken me across the United States: El Paso for my doctorate, southeast Virginia for my first academic job, and DC for a better academic job, which offered me tenure. And while being a nomad for the past fourteen years has been fun and exciting, I entered a stage where I became ready to stay in one place AND make money off my property. When my father passed away, he left me some money for a down payment on a home. I grew up in row houses, so for me, the concept of a detached unit with a lawn and a garage is, well, foreign. I do love to visit them and look at them, but as a single person, I don’t need a large space, but I did want more than the 750 square feet my apartment offered me and Chester. Besides, I happen to like apartment living. My brother, who had recently purchased a townhouse, showed me the “ins” and “outs” of Redfin, such as how to adjust the down payment to see how much mortgage I’d pay. I spent the next few months browsing condos and townhouses in DC and Montgomery County in southern Maryland (closest to where I work). Conclusion: the real estate market doesn’t make it easy for us singletons who only have one income. Affordable places that met my criteria (condos near DC Metro stops) were few and far between. That said, I did find realtors that understood my needs and expressed confidence in being able to help me find what I needed. I “interviewed” five, all of whom answered my litmus test question, “What’s your experience in working with solo homebuyers?” well. I had to ask it; most of these real estate ads feature couples and families (see my hyperlinked article to the left of the parenthetic). One person said, “This is DC. Half my clients are solo homebuyers.” Good enough, true enough. I ended up choosing Jason; I felt most comfortable with his patient, “teacherly” vibe, as well as his in-depth knowledge of Montgomery County. He showed me and sent me to places in DC and Maryland that looked like good fits. But the moment I knew what I wanted was when he showed me a two-bedroom condo, 911 square feet, literally a four-minute walk from a Metro stop. “I’m not a buyer yet, I’m not a buyer yet,” I had to repeat to myself. Jason continued to show me properties, none of which quite measured up to this place (some of those HOA fees went into the thousands per month!). In the interim, I did check out one complex at night, as per Jason's suggestion, which I combined with a nice dinner with my friend and fellow singleton Susan. Finally, on March 10, I became a buyer. And on this first property, apparently my money wasn’t good enough for this first seller, an investor, because he didn’t respond to my offer. Five days we waited for him, then we withdrew the offer. Offer #2: It turned out I was especially impulsive; it was the same location as my first choice, but even closer to the Metro. But, there was so much gutting that I had to be done, including taking out a mirror. Offer #3: Same location, close to move-in ready. An hour and a half after we put down the offer, an investor willing to pay cash and waive an inspection put theirs in. “Back away, not today,” was what that little voice inside me said. From a seller’s perspective, I can understand wanting to sell to that kind of buyer; no worries on that end. From this little solo homebuyer’s angle, grrrrrr!!!!!! Offer #4: This one has lots of space, but the HOA fee was higher than advertised (proofread, people!). Offer #5: I had originally dismissed this place due to its “pet-free” policy. Seriously, my cat/son Chester isn’t going to make anywhere near the amount of noise or do anywhere near the damage a human baby will make. But the laws do value a more traditional “family,” don’t they? Or maybe not. Thanks to the Fair Housing Act, Emotional Support Animals must be let in. And when I’m super stressed, Chester puts his paw across my heart. If that’s not emotional support, I don’t know what is. Bottom line: I liked everything else about this place. The location, the space, the quiet, the trees nearby: And Jason was able to negotiate a good price. And only $506 per month in HOA fees. On March 25 of this year, I officially went under contract. The next couple of weeks were a blur, as I went through the gauntlet of home inspection, making the good faith deposit, buying homeowners insurance, locking in an interest rate (thank you, Josh, for catching that projected change; he got a nice 6.5% rate compared to the 7+ it’s at now).
The storm calmed for the next month and a half as I navigated the usual end of semester chaos. Then came the week before closing. I had to get the remainder of the down payment to Mike, the title attorney. Something I thought would be very simple turned out to be quite complicated. I thought the money would go from my trust to my personal account immediately; no such luck. It needed a red-eye train to get there. I thought the funds I had would go to Mike immediately; again, not quite. I had to make the trip to the bank, but hey, I am a step counter. They did get there. May 17, the closing date, came. I signed my name about 500 times, walked through the unit with Don, the listing agent, and noticed a few things that I’ll discuss in the “Transitioning” post to come. But, we made it! The feeling of “this is my place” kicked in the next day when I parked my car in one of the parking lots to which I have access. I’d been parking on crowded streets, which makes one vulnerable to getting hit by other cars before they speed off, which happened to my rear driver's side door right in front of my building. And when I opened the door to the condo, it fully kicked in. Placing my electric guitar, amplifier, and a few small boxes into my storage space helped me feel a bit lighter. But, as I sit in my empty condo waiting for a handyperson to arrive, I imagine those feelings between light and heavy will alternate. But that’ll be highlighted more in the “Transitioning” post. See you on the other side!
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“And we’re the three best friends that anybody could have, we’re the three best friends that anybody could have, and we’ll never ever ever ever ever leave each other…”
When I think of The Hangover, my mind immediately jumps to Alan’s ode to his “wolf pack.” While said members of the pack probably don’t reciprocate his feelings, it brings to mind how powerful friendship can be. This is the central tenet of Rhaina Cohen’s new book, The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life with Friendship at the Center (I’ll use the acronym OSO for the rest of this post), in which she argues that friendship be placed on the same platform that romance is. I’ve always valued my friendships more than romance. Thinking back to my college years, I remember a potential girlfriend ultimately rejecting me after unsuccessfully trying to pull me away from a basketball game with my friends to hang out with her. One could argue that maybe I wasn’t really into her, but I was spending time with friends and I wouldn’t pull away. As I’ve gotten deeper into Singles Studies, I’ve developed a wide array of friendships that give my life way more meaning than any romance ever has or ever could. So I was in a state of enthusiasm as I rode the MARC to Baltimore for a discussion around OSO. I’d hear some discussion around friendship, and I’d get to see Kevin and Alicia. I was initially dismissive of Rhaina when I learned she was married. How dare you speak down from your pedestal! I thought. But Kevin had sent me her article, “What if Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Center of Life” and he spoke highly of her, so his word gives a mark of credibility. And she had a lot of good things to say. Most importantly, acknowledged singlism and Bella DePaulo’s work, so that’s an automatic A+ in my gradebook. After devouring a tuna sub at the nearby Subway, I snagged three seats. Kevin arrived first, then Alicia. The crowd around us varied in age, but appeared on the younger side. My guess is a lot of students and a few professors from nearby Johns Hopkins University (the dude next to me sported a hat from the crew team). We started out with an activity, where we were given a post-it. On the post-it, we’d substitute the words “get by” with a word or phrase of our choosing in the Beatles’ lyric, “I Get By With a Little Help From My Friends.” I went with “thrive.” Rhaina ended the event by having one of her friends play the keyboard while we sang “I” and “with a little help…,” while Rhaina reading from our post-it. “Thrive” made it! In between the “fun” were some great ideas. My favorite was the idea of the “relationship staircase,” as opposed to the “escalator,” which can be applied to romance and friendship. I’ve had friendship go through all kinds of high-intensity and low-intensity phases, and they’re none the worse for wear. Sometimes, we’ll go for months without speaking, but then, we’ll pick up where we were at before the hiatus in communication. Could romance be like that as well? Cohen discusses the idea of non-romantic life partners, which had me thinking of this clip. In the Askewniverse, we rarely (if ever) see Jay and Silent Bob apart. And we fans love their antics and can appreciate their bond. Samantha Roth, a psychotherapist who engaged with Cohen in the conversation, brought up the idea of “intimate relationships therapy” as opposed to “couples therapy.” After all, friendships go through rough patches, don’t they? I loved that she changed the title of a course from “Romance” to “Intimate Relationships.” The latter is all-encompassing. Rhaina also asked the audience if any of them had ever had “platonic love at first sight.” I had to think a bit, but my mind flashed back to Mark, whom I met at an Allman Brothers tribute show. He was having a blast at that show and seemed so cool. He had gotten me into going back to live music after a long hiatus. Even though we live a few hours apart, we still hit the occasional DC show together and we hang out when I visit Newport News. And through him, I met my friend Drew, with whom I have inside jokes about “waiting for the bus” and “special guest” (I’ll go into that in a future essay about my friendship with him). And finally, the idea of hierarchy. I have lost friends to romantic relationships; amatonormativity’s a bitch indeed. That being said, that’s the way things are for the moment until ideas like Rhaina’s become more accepted. So I find it’s important for me to maintain a wide network of friendships. This way, if I’m lowered on someone’s hierarchy, I’ll have other friends. Cooking and baking are two of my love languages. I love making food for friends. So, of course, I brought homemade brownies for Kevin and Alicia. I had a third for my ride back to DC. But I had an inkling to hook Rhaina up. I asked Kevin for advice on that, and he said, “Go for it.” So I did. I hope she enjoyed it the way I did her talk. After the talk, Kevin and I made our way across the street to Insomnia Cookies with Joseph, a new friend, who had come to a Childfree Singles Meetup I hosted at Arlington’s Ballston Quarter. We talked work and housing, particularly the idea that the real estate market, like most other things, is not built for singles. I am navigating the solo homebuying experience, and it’s a challenge. But I’m hoping to make it through. This evening jaunt was refreshing, and made much more fun with friends. This essay was presented at the Northeast Modern Language Association Conference in Boston, Massachusetts on March 8, 2024. It is a first draft of a personal essay I hope to submit to a publication.
“Being single as an adult” were the words I typed into that Google search bar that humid Tuesday afternoon. I had recently been broken up with, yet again, and the anger perforated throughout my body. I was thirty-six, had completed my first year in a tenure-track position at a university, and had never been married. Basically, there was something wrong with me. “You need to find someone.” “When are you getting married?” “Don’t you even have a dog?” As I reflect now, those comments had motivated me to get on Match.com, stick it out through bad dates, and stay in relationships that just didn’t fill my cup. And this one was no different – but, I just HAD to be with someone. And I wasn’t. And it seemed like everybody else was. They were good, and I was bad. The academic year had just ended, so I technically had more “time” on my hands to brood about these things. This brooding led me to a Google search, which led me to an author named Bella DePaulo. I saw articles like “Are Unmarrieds Singled Out for Discrimination,” “How Singles are Celebrated and Stereotyped and Shamed,” and “The Many Ways Singles Are Treated Unfairly at Work.” As I read about the privilege bestowed into people who “tie the knot” (i.e., Social Security benefits, higher salaries, and just general social acceptability), my brooding turned into a combination of righteous anger, solidarity, and the feeling of “being seen.” My plans for reading articles about composition pedagogy and writing anxiety were thrown into the trunk as I spent much of the summer devouring the work of DePaulo, in her particular, her 2006 book, Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After, brought to my surface every slight and injustice I’d ever felt when I was single. Friends leave you when they get married or couple up. And, even if they invite you along, the coupled make all the decisions. And there are the stereotypes perpetuated in the media: if you’re a woman, you’re a “crazy cat lady” or a “promiscuous slut.” If you’re a man, you suffer from “Peter Pan” syndrome, or you’re a slob who uses pizza boxes as furniture. Even if you do perform the celebratory act of being a parent, you’re “irresponsible” if you dare to do it as a single person. I marked that book up with notes and highlights, all the while thinking, “Yes. Yes. Yes.” I started my second year on the tenure-track determined to combine my love of writing with my newfound love of what I’d come to learn what was the developing field of Singles Studies. I started a blog, Soldiering for Singles, in which I wrote musings about single life. Examples included the unfairness of “solo supplements,” the hypocrisy of “rules” around dating and romance, and, on a more positive note, the value of my platonic friendships. One thing I’ve also learned: “single” does not mean “alone.” Around the time I was experiencing this rebirth, Bella had started a Facebook group called Community of Single People (or CoSP for short), a group of single people “who want to live their single lives fully, joyfully, and free of stereotyping and stigma.” The first sentence on the page’s “About” section is “This group has nothing to do with dating.” I shared my blogs on that page, and they were met with “likes” and laudatory comments. I had found some likeminded folks. On a spring break trip to Winnipeg to see a friend, I had the privilege of touring the Canadian Museum for Human Rights, where I learned about the injustices that face marginalized groups. I got the brainstorm: write a letter suggesting an exhibit devoted to the plight of singles, who face micro-levels of marginalization, such as exclusion from social events, and macro-levels, such as that Social Security law mentioned earlier. I never received a response from the museum, but I was able to use it as an example of how to write persuasively (even if it didn’t necessarily persuade the museum). I continued writing, and with the encouragement of a department chair, I themed one of my courses around Singlehood and Marriage, during which students read Singled Out, along with some unfortunately written book that argued marriage was the only way of living (but we did have fun poking at the fallacies made by those authors. Students were more engaged in this class than they’d been in any other. At the same time, I was developing a global network of friends and colleagues through CoSP. I’d published a series of articles in Singular, an online magazine published by one of its members. I had been teaching myself how to conduct Critical Discourse Analysis (CDA), which had led me to write an article breaking down the films Crossing Delancey and Trainwreck, both of which gave the “couplehood is the only way” argument. Through a friend I had made, I was able to publish this piece, “There Is No Wrong Romance Can’t Right: Heteronormativity in Our Romantic Comedies,” in a journal entitled Feminista Revismos. I’d also connected with Spark: a 4C4 Equality Journal, where I’d published another, which read “Awww, You’re Not Married? Why We Need a Singles’ Rights Movement,” during which I interviewed a group of single academics to see how singlism affected their experiences. My work grew toward writing books. One afternoon, a representative from Kendall-Hunt Publishing met with me and my department chair to discuss the possibility of a customized textbook for our first-year writing courses. During our conversation, I discussed my themed course on Singlehood and Marriage and mentioned an idea I’d be tinkering with: a book for men on how to be single and happy without searching for a partner. So many books had been written on this subject, but they were all for women. I was going to address the gap. And the representative was going to publish it. As that initial feeling of euphoria lapsed, I got up at 5:30 every morning to spend an hour writing. And, to me, the feeling of seeing my name on a published book was way better than pinning a wedding ring on someone’s index finger. That’s not to say I haven’t developed meaningful connections. During the pandemic, I had monthly Zoom chats with Ketaki Chowkhani, a sociology professor from the Manipal Academy of Higher Education in India. Through our conversations, we developed the idea to facilitate the world’s first ever Singles Studies conference: a virtual gathering of academics in different disciplines who study singlehood. And on October 10, 2020, I had the privilege of “meeting” writers whose work I’d studied and admired. Three years later, Ketaki and I released a collection of essays from these writers; we called it Singular Selves: An Introduction to Singles Studies. This past August, I rode an Amtrak from Washington, DC to Philadelphia to meet up with Elyakim Kislev, a noted Singles Studies scholar who wrote a book, Happy Singlehood: The Rising Acceptance and Celebration of Solo Living, which I used in a course I taught, “How to be Single and Happy.” Our discourse lasted three hours and took place in the Philadelphia Convention Center and nearby Reading Terminal Market. At the end of our conversation, I walked away with an idea for a new project: a book in which I break down and analyze the tropes found in romantic movies and how they reflect couplehood as a hegemonic force. Becoming immersed in the advocacy of singlehood as a valid lifestyle choice has not only benefited me professionally, but personally as well. In 2020, at the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic, I moved from Newport News, Virginia to Washington, DC; such a diverse city fits me way better than the rural environments in which I had spent time. As an introvert, I was one of those folks who, when they told us to stay home, I said “What’s the catch?” I’ve always liked my space. Singles and couples had different benefits and challenges throughout lockdown; speaking strictly for myself, I would not have wanted to be stuck in a house with another person, no matter how amazing they might be. Of course, I was ecstatic when things start opening up, because I could finally develop the kind of social network we singles tend to cultivate. As Bella put it, “Married people have the one, single people have the ones.” First, I joined our local Childfree group, DMV Childfree. The organizer had enough space to allow me to host a Childfree group specifically for Singles. The rules: 1) you must be single, legally and socially; 2) if you couple up, you can stay in the group, but please don’t sign up for events; and 3) it is not a “meet market.” If you meet someone you like in the group, great, but don’t use it as a dating app. As of this presentation, the group has been active for one year, and I’ve made a few close, happily single friends in my local area. These friendships have meant more to me than a romance ever could. The CoSP group has also been a recent source of friendship. I currently have two separately monthly Zoom chats with Kevin and Kamran, two happily single men who’ve I met through the page. We discuss a variety of topics, such as spirituality, philosophy, and classic movies. To me, this beats talking about lawn mowers, strollers, engagement rings, and juice boxes with the other married Dads. Washington, DC is known for its diverse population. One thing I always tell others is, “No matter who you are or what you’re into, there’s something for you here.” On September 17, 2023, I got together with seven of my CoSP tribespeople for brunch at a restaurant called Medium Rare. As I enjoyed a meal of steak, poached eggs, and fries, we talked about being single. We talked about the freedom with which it comes. We talked about how policies that currently favor the married will more than likely become more equitable toward singles, as more and more people go the “singlehood route,” whether by choice or by circumstance. Three months later, Bella DePaulo came to Busboys and Poets in the Shaw neighborhood of Washington, DC to give a reading from her latest book, Single at Heart: The Power, Freedom, and Heart-Filling Joy of Single Life. I hosted a Meetup around this event, during which other Childfree singles would gather to hear her read and discuss these ideas with two other scholars before answering questions from the audience. Kevin drove down from Wrightsville, Pennsylvania, so he’d share the couch with my cat/son, Chester. And the other CoSPers would pack the room. My Facebook moniker is “Chazz Pop,” used so my students don’t find me. “Chazz” is short for Chester, and “Pop” is Dad. Chester’s Dad. And once inside the reading, I kept getting the question, “Are you Chazz?” “Are you Chazz?” In addition to seeing friends, I had the privilege of meeting those on CoSP I only knew by post, as well as folks on the Childfree group I’d never seen before. It was validating. After the reading, about twenty of us took over the back room at nearby Shaw’s Tavern. The conversation about singlehood, and even some non-singlehood related topics, like movies, what is a real Buffalo wing, and the places we’ve traveled to, flowed. For that night, in a world that privileges marriage and coupledom, the singles dominated, and the euphoria I felt lasted at least a week. Current situation: after thirteen years of moving around the country to pursue that tenured professorship, I achieved it this past summer. And CoSP was the first place I went to announce; if I had been married with a child, for me, that would have been much more difficult to achieve. And I’m now in the place where I’m ready to “plant some roots” (as opposed to the matrimaniacal phrase, “settle down”). So I’m venturing into the world of real estate. And the first place I went to for advice was CoSP. After all, solo homebuying is different. While I have considered myself a “lone wolf,” I haven’t been doing life alone. Again, “married people have the one, single people have the ones.” The team of people I’ve built through my journey through singlehood has given my life way more meaning than a romantic partnership ever could. And I’ve had the pleasure of being part of others’ teams, functioning as moral support on others’ journeys and even helping one friend move into her newly bought condo. And I date sporadically, although I don’t approach or navigate it in a way that is societally accepted. It is my hope that as more and more people discover happy lives outside of what is considered “normal,” our society, and laws, will reflect these trends. This paper was delivered at the Northeast Modern Language Association Conference at the Sheraton Hotel, Boston, Massachusetts on March 7, 2024. It is a first draft and part of a much larger project.
Introduction We love romance. We love it on a structural level, as married couples are given privilege in laws and policies throughout the world. We love it on a spiritual principal, as marriage and other forms of coupling are often referred to as “holy unions.” We also love it on our popular culture consumption. Movies and television series often end with characters coupling up. Examples that have nearly every character romantically linked include The Big Bang Theory, Friends, and Sex and the City. Three concepts are exemplified in these representations: 1) singlism, the stereotyping and stigma around people who are not married or otherwise unpartnered (DePaulo, 2005); 2) matrimania, the societal obsession around marriage (DePaulo, 2007); and 3) amatonormativity, the assumption that a romantic union must be placed at the center of one’s live, above all other familial and platonic relationships (Brake, 2012). It makes sense that movies and television shows would propagate messages that contain those three elements; many creators are in marital unions, and the general viewing public believes that marriage (or at least coupling) is the key to happiness. So naturally, they would want the media they consume to reflect those beliefs, and in many cases, provide an escapist ideal for which viewers can hope in their own lives. The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel is a show that challenges these ideas and represents a form of liberatory activism. Set in the 1950s, it stars Rachel Brosnahan as Miriam (Midge) Maisel, a Jewish housewife who lives on Manhattan’s Upper West Side. In the series pilot, her husband, Joel, tells her he wants a divorce and he reveals he’s been in an affair with his secretary. When she tells her parents, they blame her for the divorce. “You need a husband, your kids need a father,” her father, Abe, says. “Do what you have to do to get him back!” Joel had been attempting to start a career as a stand-up comedian, performing at a small club called The Gaslight. He appears talented, but it is revealed he’s been plagiarizing jokes from other comedians. After Joel’s announcement, Midge is in a Dark Night of the Soul moment. She gets drunk and wanders into the Gaslight, where she had been a patron, supporting Joel in his comedy endeavors. Distraught and despondent over her situation, she walks up on stage and starts talking about her life and divorce. The audience interprets it as an impromptu comedy act and loves it. Midge’s act also attracts the attention of Suzie, the club’s manager, who sees true comedy potential in Midge and offers to coach her. This begins Midge’s arc from dutiful housewife to famed comedian and independent woman. This essay will argue that: 1) Midge is also a Single Person at Heart, a term Bella DePaulo coined to refer to people who live their best lives while they are single, even though she may not recognize her orientation (2023); 2) while singlist and matrimanical comments pervade the show, The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel ultimately offers a pro-singlehood narrative, contrary to the messages of most TV shows; and 3) the hatred toward Midge by popular culture writers stems from systemic amatonormativity, which manifests in their lack of acceptance toward her newfound orientation as a single-at-heart person. Midge’s Growing Independence/Midge as a Single at Heart As the series begins, we see that outwardly, Midge is living a traditional life as a housewife and mother, subject to the gender and matrimanical norms of the 1950s. Such norms are intersectional with the “colonial gaze,” as Western women existed in relation of subordination to men. However, her independence starts in the show’s pilot, as she’s influenced by Suzie, who bails her out of jail for an indecency charge, as she bared her breasts onstage. In telling her she has a gift for comedy, she says, “If you’re still upset about your husband, don’t be. He’s a fraud and a loser.” The implication in her blunt statement is that comedy is a much more worthy pursuit for her than romance. When Midge questions Susie’s position, her response is “I don’t mind being alone. I just do want to be insignificant. I want to remembered as something other than a housewife and mother.” These words function as a theme throughout the entire series, as Midge forgoes the roles of wife and mother to pursue her passion. On a societal level, they questioned the norms of female roles in that time period, when it was much more common for women to fill the roles of “wife” and “mother” while excluding all other identities. While under Suzie’s tutleage, Midge learns the ropes of the stand-up comedy world, such as timing her jokes, responding to hecklers, trusting her instincts, and even having a “weird ask,” a quirky request that’s outside the norm, in order to enhance her credibility. Hers is yellow teddy bears. However, she learns a great deal more. One theme in the show is Midge’s growing independence, which runs parallel to a narrative that Midge is finding her way as a comedian during a time period when women generally did not engage in stand-up comedy, and when they did, they had a persona (i.e., Sophie Lennon’s frumpy Queens housewife and Moms Maibley’s toothless old lady). In contrast to this gaze, Midge is finding a style that is based in storytelling and observation, which succeeds in decolonializing expectations of the female comic. The opening scene of the series’ second episode has her walking around downtown Manhattan, a far cry from her ritzy Upper West Side life. She appears dazed and confused as she observes a person urinating on the street, another randomly dumping water out the window, and a dog barking. She doesn’t know about the current events of her time, such as the Civil Rights Movement, Jim Crow, Ethel & Julius Rosenberg, and the Red Scare. She also appears to have trouble understanding courtroom etiquette, as she argues with the judge about the double standards men and women are held to. While such gender disparities are valid and a theme in the show, she doesn’t appear to understand that the judge and court are the authorities in this situation. When she travels for a gig with Suzie, she also doesn’t understand that in most hotels, there is no bellhop to carry your bags; you do that yourself. “I’m open to trying new things,” Midge says upon learning this fact. Midge’s street savvy and worldliness grows as the series progresses, as she grows in her role as a “single at heart.” Early in the series, she observes a group of activists in Washington Square Park to prevent the building of a nearby road. She speaks into a megaphone and even gives advice to the organizer. Later on, she gets her first job, working the makeup counter at a department store. This feature of Midge’s new life as a single female is intersectional with feminism in that “expenses associated with the consumerist lifestyle forced many middle-class married women into work outside the home, a situation that was compounded by their desire to keep up with the “Happy Housewife” ideal prevalent in popular culture during that time (Kearney, 2012, pg. 5). While on tour with famed singer Shy Baldwin, she befriends one of Shy’s musicians and learns about how to determine whether a guy is worth having a one-night stand with. “If his place is dirty, what is the rest of his body like?” is the advice she receives. She heeds this advice and forgoes sleeping with Lenny Bruce, as he lives in a hotel, at least for the moment. In the final season, she acquires a job at NBC, writing for The Gordon Ford Show. The fact that Gordon, a married man, repeatedly tries to sleep with her is a commentary on how, while marriage has a place of privilege in the abstract, many people don’t necessarily take that union seriously in practice, particularly during that time period. While she initially struggles for respect among the all-male staff, her writing eventually makes her “one of the gang.” In the final episode, she’s allowed to appear on the show, despite the tradition that writers do not perform on it. When she’s told she’ll mostly be talking with Gordon about her role as a writer rather than performing her comedy act, as she was promised, she disrupts the tradition by taking the stage and giving her act, which delights the audience and even impresses Ford, despite the fact that he promptly fires her. This night propels her to stardom. Midge’s Independence and Gender Roles Despite Midge’s apparent naivete and dependence on men, she may just be a single at heart. When Midge’s despondent mother, Rose, talks to Trina, her fortune teller about Rose’s divorce, Trina responds, “She’s always been her own girl.” After getting dropped from Shy Baldwin’s tour, Midge takes a job as an emcee at the Walford, a strip club, warming up the audience with jokes before the main acts. Backstage, she crusades for better working conditions, including preventing the club’s male manager from entering the women’s dressing room unannounced. She also inspires the people around her to live their most authentic lives, married or single. Once again, this authenticity in living a single life is intersectional with feminism in Midge’s finding of relatve independence by working outside the home. According to Brown (2012), “feminine discourse” implies acknowledgement of women’s subordination often expressed in parodic form by making fun of dominant culture (37). In this case, this parody extends to married life as the dominant culture, as matrimaniacal comments and actions are expressed in a caricaturistic fashion by some of the characters, even though they may not be aware of the challenges of their own married lives. One such example includes Joel’s mother Shirley attempting to set him up with a woman who’s nine months pregnant; she tells him, “You need companionship, smeone to be with, a good woman makes a good man, where would your father be without me?” When Joel looks askance, Shirley says, “Don’t start.” Why the Hatred Toward Midge? Hatred of female television characters is a popular pasttime among some televsion fanatics. The “I Hate Brenda” anti-fan club launched in the height of Beverly Hills, 90210’s popularity (Amatangelo, 2020). Skyler White garnered much hatred among Breaking Bad fans for being a “bully” toward her developing drug kingpin husband (Lynch, Doll, Gooding-Nieves, Patton & Loughlin, 2023). Similarly, Midge Maisel is unpopular among much of the show’s fanbase for her choices. One blogger from Writing Without Rules: Deep Dives called Midge “a terrible person. She selfishly puts her own needs ahead of everyone else, largely ignores her own children, and lies pretty constantly.” While most people would not condone a person doing those things, we must consider that the matrimaniacal norms of the time period forced Midge into the role of “wife” and “mother.” And when one takes on those roles, they buy into a system with its own rules. Midge broke those rules to pursue her authentic life. One might question whether she is single at heart due to the fact that she married four times after Joel. Before one of her weddings, Midge has this exchange with Suzie, in which she says “I don’t love him,” to which Suzie responds, “You didn’t love the last guy either, that didn’t stop you.” Simply put, Midge is a single person at heart born in the wrong time period, a period where marriage was more compulsory than it is today. Therefore, she is compelled to marry, even though it isn’t her authentic way of living. This reading of The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel in terms of its position as a form of liberatory activism may not reflect the interpretations of average viewers nor of other media scholars and critics. Society, particularly the media consumed by it, is not built toward singlehood, especially those who are engaged in happy singlehood. Bella DePaulo’s recent book, Single at Heart: The Power, Freedom, and Heart-Filling Joy of Single Life, interviewed people who live their best lives as singletons. One writer, unprovoked, wrote the following message, cited in her book: Hi Bella, Just want to let you know that single people are inferior in every way. They’re worthless, useless, lazy, and stupid. Ther’s nothing I hate like single people. Anyone single is completely defective, otherwise someone would love them. Now, Bella, I know you found some micro/macro agressions there, but I want you to use all of your Harvard skills to understand it’s entirely your fault. You’re single, therefore you suck. You suck because you’re single. Say it out loud. You are nothing. Worthless. When the book was released, Bella received a lot of fan mail from people who felt the messsage spoke to them, but there was one complaint: Obviously you did not interview me. I am 68 years single and am a poster boy for the conventional thinkers. I wanted to be married, have children and grandchildren. And even if you are married, you can enjoy the solitude you crave and enjoy. Singleness is not a guarantee of privacy, fulfillment and complete enjoyment. It may facilitate it but certainly does not guarantee it. What accomplishments and successes and contributions to society will you have to look back upon at the end of life? Thanks, Steve K These letters, while extreme examples of the hatred toward singles, particularly happy singles, are reflective of societal attitudes toward people who choose to be happy as singletons. Midge is being lambasted as selfish for her choices. Sarah Jae Leiber of the Jewish Women’s Archive called Midge an antihero who feels no loyalty to the people who helped her along the way; Midge has, in fact, been very loyal, funding her mother’s matchmaking business, buying back her parents’ house, and even staying connected with Joel. Maintenance of these ties is an exemplificiation of Elyakim Kislev’s finding that singles are more connected with their families of origin than married people are (2019); yet one can speculate whether she’d receive this same maligning if she had stayed married to Joel. Conclusion In these ways, Midge Maisel is subject to the type of singlism that Bella DePaulodefines and catalogues in her body of work on singles. Viewing The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel through a Singles Studies lens raises many important questions about how we look at more conventional types of shows in which the protagonists sacrifice freedom for romance, such as Gilmore Girls and The Big Bang Theory. Moreover, such shows have the potential to influence how people approach relationships in their lives, including those that may be detrimental to their well-being out of fear of being alone. Future research could approach these shows by studying how single protagonists negotiate their own narratives and experience intimacy outside of romance, and possibly influence some to engage in such connection. References Amatangelo, A. (2020). 30 Years after 90210 premiered, it’s finally time to apologize to Brenda Walsh – and Shannen Doherty. Paste Magazine. Web. 6 January 2024. https://www.pastemagazine.com/tv/90210/brenda-walsh-90210-shannen-doherty Brake, E. (2012). Minimizing Marriage: Marriage, Morality, and the Law. Oxford University Press. Cooper, B. (2012). Boys Don’t Cry and female masculinity. In M.C. Kearney (Eds.). The Gender and Media Reader (pp. 355 - 369). Routledge. DePaulo, B. M., & Morris, W. L. (2005). Singles in society and in science. Psychological Inquiry, 16(2-3), 57-83. DePaulo, B. (2006). Singled Out: How Singles are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After. St. Martin’s Press. DePaulo, B. (2023). Single at Heart: The Power, Freedom, and Heart-Filling Joy of Single Life. Apollo Publishers. “The Exhausting Mrs. Maisel” (2022). Writing Without Rules: Deep Dives. Web. 4 January 2024. Kearney, M.C. (2012). Introduction. In M.C. Kearney (Eds.). The Gender and Media Reader (pp. 1 – 21). Routledge. Kislev, E. (2019). Happy Singlehood: The Rising Acceptance and Celebration of Solo Living. University of California Press. Leiber, S.J. (2022). I’m tired of trying to root for Midge Maisel. Jewish Women’s Archive. Web. 16 January 2024. Lynch, J., Doll, K., Gooding-Nieves, D., Patton, J.M., & Loughlin, K. (2023). How Skyler White became unpopular in the Breaking Bad fandom. CBR.com. Web. January 2024. Rosen, C. (2023). “‘The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel’ Reveals Why Joel Went to Jail: ‘He’s Taken the Blame.’ Goldderby. Web. 3 January 2024. https://wwrdeepdives.substack.com/p/the-exhausting-mrs-maisel “I’m addicted to NeMLA.”
So said Moises, the moderator of the panel during which I read a first draft of a personal essay, “Single Does Not Mean Bad: On Embracing One’s Own Lone Wolf Tendencies.” And I’d think it’s safe to say I am too. Elizabeth and I moderated a Singles Studies panel for the third year in a row, and we had some great presentations. From one, I got inspired to check out Bridesmaids; apparently, there’s a pro-single spin I just didn’t see in my initial viewing of the film. And some anger-inducing political rhetoric presented by Elizabeth (gotta love that Matt Gaetz). Two presentations of China’s “leftover women”. And one about characters in Australian fiction. I don’t typically announce projects I’m working on, but I’m in the embryonic stages of a book about singlist tropes in TV and film, inspired in part by that fateful meeting Elyakim and I had back in Philadelphia. I wanted to have a paper I could use for the conference and the book, and my mind went to The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. I had binged on it the prior summer, and found humor and insight in the caricaturistic ways singlism and matrimania is portrayed throughout the show. I found it easy to make an argument that it was a pro-single show which ultimately satirizes that way of thinking. So I spent weeks rewatching, taking notes, analyzing, reading, drafting for that magical twenty minutes of presenting. And I’ll revise again for the talk I’ll be giving on it at my local chapter of the College English Association. And again at the International Singles Studies Conference in July – once again in Boston, the site of this year’s wonderful conference. I enjoyed and learned from all of the talks, which activated my sense of righteous anger at the pro-couple rhetoric and thinking that pervade our world. As for my own work, I thought about ways I could enhance it and make it part of a larger argument in my book. For example, I’ll be interested to look at viewing habits and to see whether it influences the beliefs people have about romance, and consequently, their relationship choices. A social science twist. I’ve been compelled to get some of my CoSP tribe together in person, inspired by that outing we had at Medium Rare back in December, and amplified by that night Bella came to Busboys and Poets, followed by us singletons taking over the back room at Shaw’s Tavern. I have friends from different facets of my life, but when I’m with my fellow singletons, I’m truly at home. So, naturally, I talked to Karen about getting some of us together in Boston. So she made the reservations at Union Oyster House (the oldest restaurant in the US), and we coordinated getting some of us together. And the conversation flowed: books, movies, public transit, the psychological blocks that keep people from New Hampshire, Vermont, and Massachusetts from crossing state lines, and, of course, singlehood. Our waitress was a character too; upon observing the empty plate, which had once consisted of scrod and mashed potatoes, she remarked, “Your Mom would be proud.” She hasn’t met my Mom, but she’s probably right. Friday morning would be the real test – reading about how I found my journey into Singles Studies and happy singlehood in a personal essay, “Single Does Not Mean Bad: On Embracing One’s Own Lone Wolf Tendencies.” I had written a version of this in How to be a Happy Bachelor’s opening chapter, but I’d never actually read it to a live audience. Presenting academic work, no problem now. Getting personal was another story. I’d done this in front of Singles Studies audiences before, but taking it outside raised some questions: would I have to bat down microaggressions? And how I would do so professionally? Fortunately, that didn’t happen. In a panel based around the Impostor Syndrome, Moises talked about the marginalization of creative panels at academic conferences; most organizers only want “academic” work, which can make creatives feel like impostors. And I hadn’t even thought about that; even though I still dabble in creative writing, my Ph.D. work has mostly transferred my writing energy into academic work. So he got it, as indicated in his presentation of the struggles many of his students face as they navigate academic discourse, which can ignite the impostor syndrome. I’ll post my essay in the next few days (bear in mind, it is a first draft). After Moises finished his talk, he called me up to the stage, where I read. And it got laughter in a few spots and some head nods in others; hearing that always puts me at ease. My favorite bout of laughter came when I discussed how my students critiqued the fallacies made in that unfortunately written book, The Case for Marriage. The last presenter, Nicoletta, shared about her experience as an impostor in different identity negotiations, such as a writer/student over the age of 50, a parent to a son with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), and a female teacher in a state that just doesn’t value them as much as they do males. What I recognized is that even though these other two presenters are married with children, they face “othering” in different ways. Very few of us are immune to it. Some of us may just be better at hiding it than others (no pun intended there). Singlehood is just the filter through which I view the world, and it’s where I feel I can do the most good by myself and by others. I recognized this as my fellow panelists and I answered questions about our ideas presented. I talked about the conflation of single men with the MGTOW and Incel movement (folks, we’re not all incels or MGTOWs!). One audience member brought up a question about how the discussion of Singles Studies intersects with conversations about aromanticism and asexuality (short answer, they don’t as much as I’d like to see, but they will eventually). Another wanted to know about how to connect with other happily single folk that don’t necessarily want to change their relationship status. I spoke of the blessings of social media (CoSP did that, primarily). I am blessed to have moved to DC, a diverse city where I often joke “whoever you are, whatever you’re into, there’s a place for you.” Many folks who live in suburban or rural areas don’t have immediate access to such likeminded people, so they need these Internet spaces. I walked away from both presentations invigorated. I had gone old-school with the Maisel talk (just reading a paper), but between the time the presentation ended and the time I’d meet up with Elizabeth to head to the restaurant, I placed my main talking points into a slideshow, with fun images included. With the creative piece, I had thirty minutes to check out of my hotel room and three hours to spend before commencing with the eight-hour Amtrak ride back to DC. So I went on the culinary suggestions of singletons Liz (Falafel King for a chicken kabob roll-up) and another Karen (Mike’s Pastry for a to-go box consisting of a mint chocolate chip cannoli and a peanut butter one). So now I sit on this train, the blues stylings of Selwyn Birchwood piping through my headphones as I write this piece. Two notes: 1) the blues is so ideal for train travel; and 2) I have Sam, who I met while traveling solo to a concert last week to thank for that recommendation. I’m feeling a bit sad to have to leave that space of intellectual discourse, creative juices, and, best of all, pro-singlehood ideas. But I also remember that I’m heading back to the urban landscape of DC, where I have some great peeps and will continue adding to the pro-singlehood discourse, both in an academic and creative manner. Still, I’ll be looking forward to NeMLA 2025 in Philly, just a two-hour jaunt from my door. “Beep! Beep! Beep!”
So went my alarm at 5:32; I had given myself the gift of one extra minute of slumber before waking up to check out Part Two of the Single Friendly Church’s discussion group, which would focus on teaching and leadership. Once again, I was on as an observer, and I did just that this time: observe. No talking. But man, did I take furious notes. First notable point: the poll that asked if their church taught about singleness indicated that not a single one did. I can’t say I’m surprised about that one; religious institutions (and the world at large) are generally focused around teaching about the building and maintenance of a healthy marriage/coupling. And when the world “single” appears in the class/workshop’s title or description, the purpose is to help participants exit singlehood. This is why, when I give workshops on singlehood, I include the disclaimer, “This course will not teach you how to date or how to “get a partner.” It will also not show you how to be in a romantic relationship. If you are looking for that, this is not the course for you.” When I taught a semester-long version of this course at Hampton University, my enlightened students seemed to get it. Someone in the group also talked about a course called Securely Single, which is based in the Christian faith. The group also discussed ways to integrate singlehood with church leadership. As a single person, I’d like to see more happily single politicians, CEOs, religious leaders (outside of priests and nuns), school administrators, and the like; in their bios, so many of them emphasize how they’re a “husband and father” or “wife and mother.” I’d especially love to have a college President sans spouse (every college President I ever worked under routinely touted their spouse like they were a sporty new coat). At any rate, here’s a list of political leaders who remained single. Whether you not you agree with their philosophies, they’re good examples that singles (whether by choice or by circumstance) can do what marrieds can, if not more so, due to the fact they don’t have to invest so much time and energy into their coupling. I will acknowledge my last sentence has some bad connotations: “Well, you’re not married, you have time for such and such…” And the group acknowledged that when approaching single members to be of service, they should be careful not to take that kind of tone. And please, don’t say “Jesus should be your husband” to someone who WANTS to be partnered! The world at large has some work to do when it comes to accepting singles. Religious institutions preach acceptance and tolerance, but it seems like they’re not quite there when it comes to their single members. I’m glad the Single Friendly Church is working to rectify that. I’m not a religious person by any means, but if you are and you’re invested in happy singlehood, I encourage you to help your church become a part of this network. Yes, I know that last sentence sounded like an ad. But dammit, our message needs advertising! “Beep! Beep! Beep!”
So spoke my alarm at 5:31. I knew it would be a challenge getting up an hour earlier than normal, particularly after a three-day weekend. But I saw that the Single Friendly Church network was holding a workshop about single-friendly language, which is something I’ve studied for the last eight years. So how could I not? After engaging in my lower back stretches and making an extra-strong cup of coffee, I logged on, and my picture of Chester was greeted by Mike Simpson, the Executive Director of the network. I wasn’t surprised to see I was the only one unaffiliated with any church: religion and I have never been compatible, but many of my fellow singletons are active parts of their churches and various other religious institutions. And I figured it’d be cool to take the role of an outside observer. Needless to say, I was quietly engaged throughout. Two breakout rooms took place; the first revolved around the use of inclusive language. As someone who conducts Critical Discourse Analysis, this is my jam. The group discussed the use of the word “family” and talked about including images on church websites that do not just consist of couples or nuclear families. Rather, they can show pictures of solos and groups of people interacting. I’ve been advocating for this everywhere, so I’m glad to see this message spreading. They also talked about how they can be more welcoming of singles attending the church, particularly people going by themselves. One woman confessed she always feels a little awkward going to a place where she doesn’t know anyone, and everybody seems to be congregated in large groups. I feel that way too, so it’s important for a church or any institution be welcoming to everyone. And as the population of singles continues to grow, more and more of those singles will be members of churches. So if the churches want to continue to spread their message, it will be increasingly important for them to welcome singles. And this group is advocating just that. They talked about some of the strategies: 1)Having members wear name badges 2)The pastor allows a moment for the parishioners to exchange greetings and introductions 3)Fellowshipping after services, like going out for coffee or lunch 4)Recognizing all motherly figures during Mother’s Day I chimed in with an idea in one discussion: meetups strictly for the single folks, but with a twist: the purpose is to build community, not to match them up for the purposes of exiting singlehood. That’s what CoSP is all about, and I recently started a Meetup group for childfree singles in which I make it very clear it is not a “meet market”. DINK stands for Double Income, No Kids. I do wish the word “dink” didn’t have such a negative connotation, but hey, progress is progress. Finally, I encourage you to watch this video and help it win this year’s Smiley Charity Film Award by voting. This simple act will help spread the message of this group, as well as the universal pro-singlehood message. I mentioned earlier that I’m not religious, and I likely won’t ever be. But I know Corinthians, where Paul discusses being single. And it may be God’s will for some to remain single; singleness does give a lot of people the room to be more integral parts of their churches. In fact, my good friend and colleague Elyakim Kislev found that singles are more connected with their communities than are married folks. After all, they’re not spending their energy maintaining and developing their family units. This video also helps give a voice to what singles are saying everywhere. When I was first getting into Singles Studies, a colleague mentioned to me that Paul was single. I conducted further research and found the following passage: I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. (1 Corinthians 7:8-9) Paul didn’t necessarily propagate that everybody should stay single; indeed, some folks are better off in a couple. However, many are not. They’re called on to do different things, including the word of God. My friend Drew, a devout Christian, even told me, “You’re doing God’s work through your singlehood stuff.” Amen. I find My Name is Earl the right mix of laugh-out-loud funny and poignant. The antics of the characters crack me up, and there’s often a touching message that gives me goosebumps.
The premise for those unfamiliar: Earl is a layabout, drunk, and petty thief who, after finding a $1 million lottery ticket, is hit by a car and loses his ticket. While in the hospital, he learns about the concept of karma from Carson Daly, and he concludes that he lost his lottery ticket because of all the bad things he’d done. By logic, he also reasons that if he does good things, good things will happen to him. So he makes a list of the people he wronged and sets out to make amends to them. Along the way, of course, he stops caring about the good guys that could happen to him and ultimately becomes a better person. One such episode stuck out to me. At one point, Earl and his brother Randy stole an air conditioner from Woody, a pothead who didn’t even notice he was being robbed (he offered to make sandwiches for the thieving brothers). As part of his amends, Earl attempts to return the air conditioner to Woody, only to find he’s living in a hippie commune and no longer needs “such items of convenience.” As part of his amends, Earl stays in the commune for a week and learns about how they’re helping the environment. After wondering how these hippies live without electricity, subsist entirely on vegetables, and live in cottages made of dung (yep), Earl comes to appreciate their sense of social responsibility and attempts to convince the word to be more ecologically sound. This episode got to me because I had a similar journey as Earl did when it came to spreading the gospel of happy singlehood. After a breakup, I discovered the work of Bella DePaulo, recognized myself as a Single at Heart and became turned onto this developing field of Singles Studies and pro-singlehood advocate. I told everybody I could about it. In addition to publishing it, though, I was calling people out on singlism in daily life and even getting into altercations on social media. I’d get triggered every time someone said “my wife” or referred to their partnership. I’d tell everyone that the “single way is the best way,” trying to stuff the idea down their throat. Similarly, Earl has this epiphany, and he acts in a similar manner. He tries to stop loggers from cutting down trees and he switches from driving to biking, hoping to influence others. When it doesn’t, his next step is to remove the air from the tires of cars, as well as turning people’s electricity off. That’ll show ‘em! And when he finds out about pollution in China, he freaks out. He goes back to the commune, hoping to live among his new likeminded friends, but Woody tells him, “Your list is your destiny. Just take five minutes out of your day to do little things to help the environment. If everybody did that, pollution wouldn’t be such a problem.” So I try to apply Woody’s idea to my work in Singles Studies. I don’t peck at pro-marriage memes on Facebook anymore. I do challenge those views on Twitter, but I do so under my real name, and it’s always in a professional tone. And I continue to write and live. This past year, making other “single at heart” friends has been instrumental in getting my social needs met. December 10, the night Bella, Joan, and Kris gave that talk at Busboys and Poets, right before we single at hearts took over the back room at Shaw’s Tavern, was one of the best nights of my life. Yes, I’ve been flashing Bella’s new book, Single at Heart, on the subway. You could argue it’s a bit histrionic, but hey, maybe it’ll reach someone who might not know about this idea, but could benefit from learning about it. “Are you Chazz?” “Are you Chazz?” I’ve never been asked that question so many times in one setting. “Chazz Pop” is my Facebook pseudonym so that my students don’t find me. If you’re a student of mine and you’re reading, it’s nothing personal; I just like to keep my private and professional lives separate. But yes, I’m known as Chazz on the Community of Single Page (CoSP) page, and it was fun meeting folks I’d only known by their discourse on the page.
I will admit, though, those lines too blur when it comes to my work in Singles Studies. Like most of my fellow Singles Studies people (whether they be academics, artists, advocates, “living the life” or a combination of two or more of those), we’re embodying singlehood and doing a damn good job at it. And it all came together the night of December 10, 2023 when Bella DePaulo, the pioneer behind Singles Studies and our pro-singlehood movement, came to Busboys and Poets (B&P) to read from new book, Single at Heart, and converse with Kris Marsh and Joan DelFattore, other revered figures in our movement. To say I was ecstatic about this night was an understatement. Kris had spoken to my students at UDC about her new book, The Love Jones Cohort: Single and Living Alone in the Black Middle Class, which they had read. Joan and I met for coffee at Tryst earlier this year. Bella and I had worked on a few small projects, and she had spoken to my students a few years prior about her book, Singled Out, which they had also read. But meeting her in person would be, well, the best analogy I can write at the moment is that it would be like how many of my fellow Phishheads would get at the possibility of meeting Trey Anastasio, Jon Fishman, Mike Gordon, or Page McConnell Dead (I’m listening to a Phish show as I type this). And it was just that. My good friend, Kevin, whom I met through CoSP, came to my apartment building. His drive from Wrightsville, Pennsylvania is an example of his devotion, as was that of Tanya coming down from Philadelphia. Special hats off, though, to Karen, who flew from Boston for the event. Kevin and I enjoyed good conversation on the Metro to B&P. I anticipated a long line to get in, much like there usually is at Madison Square Garden an hour before a Phish show. But there wasn’t; our crowd filtered in gradually, though we did sell out and pack the place. We saw Tracey, a good friend and another member of our tribe, who was happily indulging in an appetizer at the bar. Christina followed, then Antionette. We had a few conversations going before we were let into the venue. As I walked in and saw Bella, Joan, and Kris chatting in those chairs on stage, a la The View, I felt a bit of hesitancy. Should I go up? Is my sweater tucked in? Do I have something in my teeth? Those thoughts escaped once I met the night’s Holy Trinity. More folks piled in from the two Meetups I posted this to: Childfree Singles of the DMV and Asexuals and Aromantics of the DMV. A few people asked “Are you Craig?” I met Laura, Janel, Cenk, Armando, Thomas, Andrew, Stewart, Rolf, Lizzie, and a few others I can’t quite place. They had found their way through the Meetup site, and for those fleeting moments, I was the representative for happy singlehood (as I tend to be in a good number of my circles). The show kicked off with Bella’s reading of excerpts from her book, all of which resonated with the Single Person at Heart who’s writing this. Then came the conversation between her, Joan, and Kris. And then the Q&A. The following themes/quotes stood out to me as I rewatched the event on YouTube:
There’s many more, but I don’t want to write forever. The post-reading dinner was fun. I felt like a tour guide, leading our group down a rainy U Street toward Shaw’s Tavern. I had the opportunity to converse with more CoSP folks, some of whom I’d met in person and others I only knew online: Janel, Alicia, Susan, Kelly. And there were those local folks from my Childfree Singles Meetup group. I enjoyed a nice, buttery Atlantic Salmon with rice and vegetables as I continued to talk singlehood with other folks. I also met a dating coach who showed up, and I had to ask what she thought of the Single at Heart concept, as someone who tries to help people date “successfully” (I put that in quotes because success can mean different things to different people). She said, “I have many clients that need to be single.” And for those who want to “ride the relationship escalator,” enjoying one’s single life is a needed skill if they’re going to bring their authentic selves to the dating game – and to a possible relationship. Kevin and I headed back to my place (with a quick stop at Insomnia Cookies on the way to the Metro), and once home, I was in a place of bliss. The world privileges coupledom (for now), and I often feel on the outside. But tonight, I was in my element. I do dream of a real-life Community of Single People. A town with Single at Heart people in it, where we can have laws and policies that favor singles. Maybe tonight was the first step. Side note: I drive to New York twice a year to visit my Mom and brother. The anticipation of that trip stresses me out. When Kevin left, I empowered to just get in the car and head up. It’s interesting how that psychology works. One of the positive things that emerged from the pandemic is the ability to connect with others on a global scale. Ketaki Chowkhani (India) and I (United States) have developed a deep friendship and partnership; we organized a conference and have our collection, Singular Selves, coming out in September 2023. Elyakim Kislev (Israel) and I also had a few Zoom chats and collaborated on a pair of articles, including “Changing the Language of Singlehood” and “Why Romance Movies May Be a Social Problem.” But there’s nothing quite like a face-to-face interaction. So when Elyakim emailed me to let me know he’d be in Philadelphia for the Annual Meeting of the American Sociological Association and was interested in meeting up, I thought, duh! Of course I’m gonna meet up! First, I love riding trains. Having become spoiled by the access to Metro in Washington, DC, I’ve learned that if I had my way, I wouldn’t even own a car. I’d love to take trains everywhere. So the two-hour Amtrak ride from DC to Philly was paradise. As always, I found a spot in the quiet car, where there was a nice mix of couples and solos traveling. I sat next to a perfectly nice-seeming dude who spent the ride reading a book, as did I. Jaclyn Geller’s Moving Past Marriage opened my eyes to some dark undertones regarding the matrimania that persists in our governments. The section on divorce should have been titled “Scared Single.” I’ve become a compulsive step-counter this past year, so I saw it was only a 30-minute walk from the 30th Street Station to Reading Terminal Market, and the weather was nice and breezy. I had nice views of the Schuylkill River and Independence Hall on my walk over. Flaneuring, a word I learned from Solo, always puts me in a place of serenity. I’d been to the Reading Terminal Market once before with my friend Melissa, where we got brownies. Doug, another friend, had told me about it as well. I have a proclivity for bringing pastries to my home (especially when they come from places outside DC), so I took the time to indulge, purchasing six cookies (all different flavors) from 4th Street Cookie Company and two donuts from Beiler’s Donut and Pickle Patch. Elyakim and I met up at 3:00 at the Convention Center, and the next three hours were an inspiring experience, as we slowly gravitated back to Reading for some cheesesteak sandwiches (it’s not a real Philly trip without a cheesesteak). Singlehood Studies is something I’ve come to embody in the last eight years. First, I awkwardly asked him to sign my copies of both of his books, Happy Singlehood and Relationships 5.0. The following topics came up: Safe spaces for singles Earlier last week, one of my colleagues hosted a gathering, and in the spirit of inclusivity, said “Partners and children welcome.” Of course, in the spirit of my version of inclusivity, I asked if I could bring a platonic friend, to which the host said of course. Good job! The first two people to arrive after me brought their kids, one with her husband. Of course, the conversation revolved around childcare. As a childfree by choice person, I had nothing to contribute to this thread of discussion. Then, two more colleagues arrived, one who I know is single and childfree by choice. Ahhhhh, my peeps have arrived!, I thought. As a result of this discussion, we talked about safe spaces for singles. Since we are a marginalized group that has to face a couple- and familycentric world, we need spaces that are strictly for singles (and that shouldn’t revolve around un-singling). For example, I started a group for Childfree Singles with the following rules: 1)You must not be in any type of romantic partnership. 2)It’s not a “meet market.” If you couple up organically, cool, but don’t come with that mentality. 3)If you couple up, you can stay in the group, but don’t come to events. In the first month alone, this group has amassed 145 members. I have an event coming up on September 3. The reservation is for ten people, and we already have twelve on the waiting list. Conclusion: there’s a need for such a space. We’ll be co-authoring an article on this concept. Reasons for Marriage “If singlehood is to be respected, we must respect marriage as well.” That’s a good insight. And I’m not antimarriage by any means, and I believe it should be respected. I just don’t think it should come with the privileges it does (tax breaks, real estate priorities, etc.). Elyakim had a good insight: many people don’t necessarily get married because of those financial and legal benefits. More often than not, it’s due to societal and familial pressures. And with a system that is so ubiquitous, the pressure will come. Most of us have a primal need to belong, so joining into the system is a way to garner social acceptability. My vision for how we can reduce the stigma around singlehood can best be expressed in the following flow chart: Ideas for Future Pieces
I’m invigorated when I devise an idea for a new writing project. Two came up: 1) a piece on “Safe Spaces for Singles,” inspired by our conversation; and 2) a book on Singlehood Discourse in film. I’ve been a cinephile ever since junior high, when I wrote movie reviews for the school newspaper. This love of film continued into high school, when I took TV Production courses and made movies. I majored in Media Studies in college, and even though I didn’t pursue it as a career, that affinity for movies has continued. I’ve started writing weekly reviews of movies with pro-singlehood messages. I had mentioned that I had thought I had said everything Craig was able to say on the topic, to which Elyakim replied, “Nonsense.” I needed that little kick in the pants, just like my old department chairperson, Laurie Carter, gave me to take my promotion portfolio seriously. The Denouement We parted ways at 6:00, and I was aflame with inspiration. Elyakim had suggested Ketaki and I devise a launch for our collection, so we immediately set that up. I also worked on a piece in which I describe the experience of two people’s first times with solo travel (apparently, I inspired them both). The train is a favorite place of mine to be solo; I always feel at peace, particularly when there’s nobody sitting next to me. I basked in the solitude as we rolled back to DC. And when I got to my home, I wrote down some ideas for the new book. It was nice not having another person interrupt my flow. |
AuthorMy name is Craig. I'm an educator, writer, and unapologetic singleton. When not reading, writing, or teaching, I enjoy hiking, running, watching movies, going to concerts, spending time with friends, and playing with my cat/son, Chester. Archives
November 2024
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