The Bachelor Fridge

Bachelor's Note: This is my response to an exercise in a humor writing book that prompts you to describe a "bachelor's fridge."  Being the irreverent dude I am, I took this slant.  It's my freezer, but you get the point.

Maaaaaaaaaaaaan, that bachelor of mine keeps me full.  All those Coke Zeros and Gatorades and 2-liter bottles of orange soda; the oranges and celery and salad in those drawers down below.  Oh, and this week, he put his meat in me.  Deli meat, that is, so get your head out of the gutter!  Slammed it right in that drawer where my cousin Cheese chills at.  And that lovely egg holder.  I got a lot going on upstairs; veggies and frozen breads and pastries and meat.  Ohhhh, and he treated me to some French fries to go with the burgers and hot dogs he got for Labor Day.

Fuck these marrieds who think those bachelors can’t keep our ilk full.  Maybe some can’t, but this one’s got it GOING ON.  And that married couple I had twenty years ago, well, I got a little sick of the Bud Lights they kept sticking in me.  And hearing that wife throwing up all the time. 
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Marriage must really fuck with some people.  And, by proxy, my brothers and sisters.