The Nonmarriage Roundtable - September 20, 2024

Chester usually serves as my alarm clock, yelping at any point between 4 and 6 a.m.  Not because he wants treats, but he just loves following me around.  This morning, my physical clock beat him to it, at 4:30 sharp.  This was a good thing, because I had an early train to catch.  After feeding him, filling his water bowl, scooping out his litter box, and putting that pill in, I was off to the station, and the ride consisted of me grading student work as part of that never-ending cycle, as well as starting The Glass Castle (go banned books!) and thumbing through an issue of The New Yorker I found on that table at school that had the word “FREE” on a piece of paper next to a pile of similar issues.  Hey, free reading material, I’m in!

I got into Charlottesville, where I had been with my good friend Mark a few years back to see a group called the North Mississippi All-Stars.  With the time I had to kill before checking into the hotel, I stopped by Bodo’s Bagels where I ate my tuna on whole wheat as I wrote in my notepad.  Doing this while surrounded by all those energetic college students brought me to my grad school kids, when I’d just camp out at a coffee shop table, drink my espressos, and write on my notepad (this was before the days of the laptop).

After checking into the hotel, napping, jogging, showering, and changing to cleaner attire (polo shirt and jeans), I headed to the Forum, where I was met by Elyakim, where we embraced and talked about our Happy Singlehood workshop to come once in DC. 

Of late, I’ve been used to being the expert in the room (my Profs and Pints talk, my classroom), but in a room of lawyers, I was definitely the novice.  But the people I talked to were very cool.  Erin from Seattle University, who I was able to talk with about writing strategies.  Jade from University of Mississippi, who I would love to have give a workshop on estate law for Unmarried Equality when we get our group up and moving.  Chao-ju, who was proposing an argument equating aunthood with another form of motherhood (an argument I can definitely get on board with).

Friday, Conference Day, was a bit of a blur.  I was one of three non-lawyers in the room, and before I read my fellow panelists’ papers, I was a bit apprehensive about seeming uninformed.  But, as I read, I found places I could apply my “Singles Studies” hat, as well as my Technical Writing duds (charts, charts, charts!).  And the feedback appeared to be well-received.

My paper, a critical discourse analysis on the pro-marriage Runaway Jury, was set to be presented last on the last session of the day.  It’s not so much a paper as it is an excerpt for a larger book project, but I figured any objective feedback would be helpful.  And it was.  Anibal, the facilitator, taught me about epistemic injustice, which CoSP (that’s Community of Single People, my favorite Facebook group, for the unfamiliar) could talk about for days.  Sania, who encouraged me to talk about children’s literature and film.  After all, that is the first exposure to storybook romance that kids get.  In fact, it’s such good advice I plan to devote an entire chapter to it with the working title “The Freudian Perspective.”  In fact, those ideas were both so good I wrote them down in my chapter outline the moment I got back to my room.  Swethaa also sent a bunch of pieces about popular culture’s portrayal in legal realms.  Let’s just say I have reading material for years.
 
Other cool folks included Scott from Macon, GA; Michal from British Columbia, whom I talked about my unorthodox romantic style (I don’t want to see a partner more than once a month or even talk to them more than once a week); and of course, Bobbie, whom I’ve known for years on CoSP, but finally got to meet in person at dinner.  And Naomi, the organizer extraordinaire, whom I’ve met online many times, but never in-person.  And I have her and Ketaki to thank for my presence at the conference.

A bunch of us went to dinner at Orzo Kitchen & Wine Bar.  My social battery was at around 18% at that point, but I figured some caffeine might help me get through.  I did get to talk with Erin about practices in the teaching of writing, and I spoke to two other panelists about the idea of “family” and how that word is interpreted in the law.  My thoughts: family is what you make of it. As I said a few times, I have a larger family of origin, groups of friends I consider family, but my domestic family consist  And I finally got to meet Bobbie in person and talk with Chao-Ju on the bus ride home.  Once in the room, I began writing this blog to the sounds of my beloved Widespread Panic, Grateful Dead, and Allman Brothers.

A couple of random items:

1. A few people with whom I spoke told me they’d seen me post quite a bit on the Singlehood Studies Google Group.  “Yep, I’m that guy,” I responded dryly.  It’s always nice to put faces to names.  I guess I’m becoming known in that world.  It wasn’t my intention, but I guess when you have a lot to say and you’re passionate about what that lot is, it just happens organically.
2. When I wrote my draft this summer, I learned what “loss of consortium” was.  One paper wrote about it at length. 
3. This was a “pay to play” conference.  I had to submit a paper and comment on the work of others to participate.  I found myself saying in most of the sessions I gave feedback in variations of the following phrases: “Discuss singlism.”  “Have you examined implicit bias?”  “Refer to the work of Bella DePaulo.”  “Charts!”

That Diet Coke I had at dinner caused me to wake up at around 4 a.m. on Saturday.  Since I couldn’t get back to sleep, after about an hour of writhing around I figured I’d do something constructive and get caught up on that mound of grading I missed during yesterday’s dialectic.  This would allow me to truly veg upon my return home.  As much as I love talking about Singles Studies, I think it’s fair to say that, at this point, I’m “singled out” (ba-dum-bum!).

In all seriousness, though, this was a true symbiotic experience.  I have a loose interest in singlehood and the law; I have students in my How to be Single and Happy (Without Looking for a Partner) course write a letter to an organization advocating for a change to a law or policy that discriminates against singles.  And I’ve read about the laws from Bella, Christina, and other advocates.  But these lawyers really go into depth at studying them; I was amazed.  And I like to think I spread the Singles Studies gospel; I do believe that if people are going to study nonmarriage, they should at least have a passing familiarity with this growing field.  And now, I’ll go back to the world with a slightly more developed take on my work – and more fire to write.