Unaware Singles at Heart

The concept of Single at Heart was coined by Bella DePaulo in her new book, Single at Heart, released just over a year.  It's a book that’s received the most publicity of all of DePaulo’s books.  I, for one, loved watching the videos of DePaulo taking on matrimaniacs like Jonathan Cromwell (Open to Debate) and Bonnie Erbe (To the Contrary).  You’d have to look at their facial expressions closely, both looked visibly uncomfortable at having to defend the notion that “marriage is good,” something society just assumes is the case. 

I always knew I preferred singlehood, but even after eight years of studying, researching, and writing about it (not to mention having published several articles and two books on the subject), I still hadn’t developed a language around wanting to be single, excepting “I like to be single.”  I’ve been in escalator-style relationships, but every time I was, the dopamine of “I have a girlfriend” hit me, but it wore off pretty quickly.  I was wearing a pair of shoes that are accepted by the mainstream world, but didn’t feel right around the ankles. 

I like to date sporadically, but my favorite metaphor around my dating preferences is this: I generally keep a healthy diet, but occasionally, I want to indulge in that bacon cheeseburger with French fries and a chocolate milkshake.  I enjoyed dating casually, which involved physical and emotional intimacy.  But most of my partners “wanted more,” meaning “marriage, children, white picket fence, etc.” 

And the escalator is a valid way of doing relationships; I certainly don’t want to disparage it.  However, relationships are looked at as a binary; either ride the escalator or stay single.  Our media buys into it.  Our government buys into it; just look at the many laws that privilege people who sign that piece of paper that says “married” (whether they do so for love or not).  And, despite the fact that more and more people don’t even want to date (50% of all U.S. singles, according to a 2020 Pew Research Center survey), most people who are dating have an end goal in mind: marriage, domestic partnership, or at the very least, monogamy.  But Amy Gahran, author of Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator, has a different view: relationship options don’t have to be all-or-nothing.  There can be options like you see on the McDonald’s $1 menu (as my friend Jen aptly put it to me).  I like those options. 

And this is where the Unaware come to play.  The people I’m referring to may be Single at Heart but just may not have been exposed to the concept, or they may not be ready or willing to understand, much less embrace, the idea for themselves.  After all, we’ve been conditioned from childhood to believe in “happily ever after.”  So, it’s natural we’d want to pursue it since it’s what we’re “supposed” to do. When I scroll on Facebook, I see countless memes about the desire for “the one.”  I’m going to break down a few that I saw:
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“God will send you someone in your life when you deserve it” 
I don’t want to trash anyone’s belief in God, but how do they know?  Maybe God’s plan is for you to remain single, or casually date.  Paul did the former.  Not marrying or being in a relationship enabled him to do God’s work, according to the Bible.  In my experience, not being in a favor has enabled me to serve my students and the world around me, inspiring others to reframe their views around singlehood, even if they don’t remain that way forever.

“Some men are so toxic: they don’t want to love you properly but they don’t want to let go of you either.” 
Well, what does it mean to love someone properly?  To listen to them vent?  To be with them constantly?  To not be friends with the gender you're attracted to?  That you’re their only means of social support?  Or, more accurately, that you come first?  If it’s the latter, that’s a perfect example of amatonormativity.  Coined by philosopher Elizabeth Brake, amatonormativity is the idea that a romantic relationship should be prioritized over all kinds of unions, including with one’s family of origin.

“Dating when you’re older is like trying to find a cart with good wheels at Walmart.”
First, I used to shop at Wal-Mart, and I never had a problem with the wheels on the carts.  But this complaint is indicative of expectations.  A friend of mine once told me, “Expectations are just premeditated resentments.”  Thanks to amatonormativity, when people date, they expect they’re going to find “the one.” Dating off the escalator doesn’t even register with people who have that mindset.  It likely never will.

“Stay single until you find someone that accepts the whole you”
It’s ideal, but even that’s not guaranteed to happen.  Is staying single period an option?  Asking for thousands of friends.

“Real men stay dedicated to one woman only.”
It’s not for me, but many men are involved in consensual non-monogamy.  They’re honest with all of their partners.  I’d say they’re real men.  And what about men who are dedicated to same-sex partners?

“A good woman makes her man feel like he’s the only one.”
Same principle.  I know plenty of good women who are involved in non-monogamy.

My own experience involves me being in escalator-style relationships but not really being invested in them.  After a breakup that led me to Googling “being single as an adult,” I got on that road to happy singlehood, and I realized I always was a Single at Heart.  I just never had the language for it; it didn’t even exist!

But now it does.  I hope it continues so that if Single at Hearts choose to date, they can do so honestly, without fear of judgment.