Why It’s Important for Singles to Have a Network of Single Friends

Reading Bella DePaulo’s Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After was a visceral experience for me.  She cited one source, an article that advised coupled people to ditch their single friends.  This could also apply to people who wanted to be coupled.  After all, the traditional wisdom says, “surround yourself with the people you want to be like.”

​I have a few coupled friends.  They may not be single, but they’re supportive allies in my fight.  I’m thankful to have them in my life.  But I spend the bulk of my time with my single friends, most of whom are Single at Heart.  It’s natural and healthy for a person to gravitate to people who share your values.  Coupled people need coupled friends.  Romantic relationships are hard, and if you’re partnered, you need to be able to vent about the challenges to someone who “gets it,” not someone like me who might be inclined to say, “Leave them” (I’m only half-joking about this one).  And after a while, they need to get their social needs fulfilled by someone other than their spouse.  And if their partners can become friends, all the better, right?  (That doesn’t always happen, which can lead to a lot of uncomfortable silence or forced socializing).

An advantage of being a single person is that your friends are yours; you’re not being roped into socializing with your partner’s friend’s partner.  And when you socialize with a coupled person, you can be genuinely happy for them if they’re happy with their partner, but, after a while, you’d like to talk about other things than their relationship.  Of course, you can steer the conversation in a different direction, and if your friend is respectful, they’ll share the space.

There’s also the idea of amatonormativity, defined as the societal mandate that the pursuit and maintenance of a romantic relationship should be the central focus of one’s connections (thankfully, people in the non-monogamy world push back on this).  However, most of us have had the experience of “losing” a friend to a romantic partner, or at least being downgraded from Saturday night to Wednesday. 

“Single” can be a fluid status.  I’ve had friends who were happily single by choice until they met “the one.”  And others were all about romance until they weren’t anymore (I’m in that category).  But life is unpredictable.  So I’ll channel Peter McGraw’s advice to “have a team.”  I have people with whom I see live music, people who go hiking with me, movie buddies, and some deeper connections where we exchange life advice – and cat pictures (you’re the most likely to be reading this).

I also realize I’m in Washington, DC, where it’s been relatively easy to cultivate those networks.  But if you’re in a suburban or rural locale, you likely have challenges.  And I empathize.  So I have a few suggestions:

1. If you’re near a city, be willing to travel a bit.  If you can’t drive, take public transit.  If you don’t have public transit, save some money for a taxi or rideshare.
2. Build online connections.  The Community of Single People (CoSP) Facebook is a chosen family of mine, through which I’ve met a large number of my singles-in-arms.
3. Don’t be afraid to end friendships with people who don’t respect your lifestyle or who try to push theirs on you.  I did it with someone who remarked it was “wild” that I was childfree by choice, and I’m not looking back. 
4. Get comfortable doing things by yourself.  Nobody’s judging you.  They’re too into their own issues.  And if they are, chances are, they’re envious of you.  I refer back to those two assignments I gave in my “How to be Single and Happy” course: going to a meal by yourself and doing the cinema solo.

Whether we’re single by choice, circumstance, or somewhere in between, the large majority of us have some need for validation.  Get with those people who’ll give it to you – and who you can give it to!