Why So Hostile?

More than once, I’ve been accused of being angry in my writing.  And, to be fair, I get a little nasty sometimes.  I took Bella’s wisdom about how rude it would be to ask someone “when they’re getting divorced” to heart by responding “Don’t worry, your turn to divorce will come.” 
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I don’t actually hope anyone gets divorced.  But if you’re going to push at me with one narrative, I’m going to come back at you with another.  And with social media, there are a lot more of these kinds of fights happening.  Childfree vs. parent.  Single vs. partnered.  On the Higher Ed Learning Collective, some brutal exchanges on teaching styles occur between those who are strict and those who are lenient.

Social media has made us more isolated, but it’s also revealed some uncomfortable truths we’re not quite comfortable expressing in real life.  I don’t know too many childfree folks who would use terms like “breeder,” “semen demon,” and “crotch dropping” in a conversation.  But online, it’s fair game.

I don’t use those kinds of terms; I try to be respectful of all lifestyles.  But I went through that phase when I first discovered I was childfree.  I’m not proud of some of the things I’ve said, but I was in a place of anger.  There was the colleague in graduate school who said, “You don’t have a kid!  You don’t know what tired is!”  There’s the time that someone said, “Not yet, right?” when I told them I wasn’t having kids.  I responded with, “No, there’s no yet.  I’m not having kids period.”  An awkward silence ensued.  These days, I say “I’m childfree by choice.”  An awkward silence sometimes ensues.  If I say, “No,” said person might be inclined to spout a well-meaning but ultimately patronizing comment like, “Ohhh, there’s still time.”  My statement communicates agency.

Same thing with the “are you married” question.  “I’m happily solo” sometimes get a knowing laugh from a coupled person, who knows how hard is to maintain a relationship. One person paused, processed, and said, “Ohh, cool.”

This is real life, though.  Social media is a different thing. And it is a cesspool no matter where you go.  I’m in a group called “Jewish Delis” and I saw two grown men go at it about the quality of a corned beef sandwich at a particular spot.  My thinking goes something like that, who cares!?  It’s corned beef!

I’m not as easygoing when it comes to the childfree and single content, though.  I don’t get as fired up as I used to.  But I understand when people use those derogatory terms.

The pronatalist content is jammed down our throats by the media and society at large.  And it’s gotten even worse with Project 2025.  Russia will also fine you for producing any content that promotes the childfree style.  I listened to a Thrive Solo episode with a German activist who’s received death threats for her message (guess I’m pretty spoiled in the United States).  Then there’s this bingo card.

It’s just human nature that when you propose one way of living as the right way, others are going to push back against it.  Atheists and evangelicals go after each other.  Meat-eaters love to take vocal vegans down a few pegs.  And there was a section in a book about asexuality that answered the question, “Why are Some Aces So Hostile?”

Essentially, this group feels marginalized, and when we’re behind a keyboard, we feel empowered to let out our darkest impulses.  On Facebook or Reddit pages devoted to such a group, members can let out their anger in a safe space.  So it can appear angry to those who are not part of the space or who may have a more moderate take on the situation.

I do think we could all benefit from a little more empathy.  I try to be respectful of people’s choices.  However, since I am admittedly a little biased, I’ll say it from the “angry” side.  Why are we so hostile?

It doesn’t feel good to be marginalized.  The anger from those comments can build.  Hell, it’s the very reason I became involved in advocacy.  When I first discovered the single/childfree choice and became empowered, I regrettably used those derogatory terms.  It was like discovering smoking for the first time (which I also, thankfully, no longer partake in).  In the past few years, I’ve found it no longer beneficial on a spiritual level.  It also gives our community a bad look.

But…I understand.  When members of our community judge others for making those comments, I think, some people just need to go through that phase.  Not everybody’s a natural empath.  For me, it’s been a study.

And I’m not anti-love or anti-marriage.  I don’t think too many of my fellow singletons are, at least not for others.  People need to do what makes them happy, even if it’s different from what I would do.  But when I’m told I need to do a particular thing, I’ll speak back, and I won’t pull any punches.  And I’ll speak up for others where applicable. 

So, the next time you think, that person is so angry, try to recognize where that person may be coming from.

Happy Independence Day!  For us singletons, every day is Independence Day.