One of the positive things that emerged from the pandemic is the ability to connect with others on a global scale.  Ketaki Chowkhani (India) and I (United States) have developed a deep friendship and partnership; we organized a conference and have our collection, Singular Selves, coming out in September 2023.  Elyakim Kislev (Israel) and I also had a few Zoom chats and collaborated on a pair of articles, including “Changing the Language of Singlehood” and “Why Romance Movies May Be a Social Problem.”
 
But there’s nothing quite like a face-to-face interaction.  So when Elyakim emailed me to let me know he’d be in Philadelphia for the Annual Meeting of the American Sociological Association and was interested in meeting up, I thought, duh!  Of course I’m gonna meet up!
 
First, I love riding trains.  Having become spoiled by the access to Metro in Washington, DC, I’ve learned that if I had my way, I wouldn’t even own a car.  I’d love to take trains everywhere.  So the two-hour Amtrak ride from DC to Philly was paradise. As always, I found a spot in the quiet car, where there was a nice mix of couples and solos traveling.  I sat next to a perfectly nice-seeming dude who spent the ride reading a book, as did I.  Jaclyn Geller’s Moving Past Marriage opened my eyes to some dark undertones regarding the matrimania that persists in our governments.  The section on divorce should have been titled “Scared Single.” 
 
I’ve become a compulsive step-counter this past year, so I saw it was only a 30-minute walk from the 30th Street Station to Reading Terminal Market, and the weather was nice and breezy.  I had nice views of the Schuylkill River and Independence Hall on my walk over.  Flaneuring, a word I learned from Solo, always puts me in a place of serenity.
 
I’d been to the Reading Terminal Market once before with my friend Melissa, where we got brownies.  Doug, another friend, had told me about it as well.  I have a proclivity for bringing pastries to my home (especially when they come from places outside DC), so I took the time to indulge, purchasing six cookies (all different flavors) from 4th Street Cookie Company and two donuts from Beiler’s Donut and Pickle Patch.  
 
Elyakim and I met up at 3:00 at the Convention Center, and the next three hours were an inspiring experience, as we slowly gravitated back to Reading for some cheesesteak sandwiches (it’s not a real Philly trip without a cheesesteak).  Singlehood Studies is something I’ve come to embody in the last eight years.  First, I awkwardly asked him to sign my copies of both of his books, Happy Singlehood and Relationships 5.0.  The following topics came up:
 
Safe spaces for singles
Earlier last week, one of my colleagues hosted a gathering, and in the spirit of inclusivity, said “Partners and children welcome.”  Of course, in the spirit of my version of inclusivity, I asked if I could bring a platonic friend, to which the host said of course.  Good job!  The first two people to arrive after me brought their kids, one with her husband.  Of course, the conversation revolved around childcare.  As a childfree by choice person, I had nothing to contribute to this thread of discussion.  Then, two more colleagues arrived, one who I know is single and childfree by choice.  Ahhhhh, my peeps have arrived!, I thought. 
 
As a result of this discussion, we talked about safe spaces for singles.  Since we are a marginalized group that has to face a couple- and familycentric world, we need spaces that are strictly for singles (and that shouldn’t revolve around un-singling).  For example, I started a group for Childfree Singles with the following rules:
 
1)You must not be in any type of romantic partnership.
2)It’s not a “meet market.”  If you couple up organically, cool, but don’t come with that mentality.
3)If you couple up, you can stay in the group, but don’t come to events.
 
In the first month alone, this group has amassed 145 members.  I have an event coming up on September 3.  The reservation is for ten people, and we already have twelve on the waiting list.  Conclusion: there’s a need for such a space.  We’ll be co-authoring an article on this concept.

Reasons for Marriage
“If singlehood is to be respected, we must respect marriage as well.”  That’s a good insight.  And I’m not antimarriage by any means, and I believe it should be respected.  I just don’t think it should come with the privileges it does (tax breaks, real estate priorities, etc.).  Elyakim had a good insight: many people don’t necessarily get married because of those financial and legal benefits.  More often than not, it’s due to societal and familial pressures.  And with a system that is so ubiquitous, the pressure will come.  Most of us have a primal need to belong, so joining into the system is a way to garner social acceptability.  My vision for how we can reduce the stigma around singlehood can best be expressed in the following flow chart:

Ideas for Future Pieces
I’m invigorated when I devise an idea for a new writing project.  Two came up: 1) a piece on “Safe Spaces for Singles,” inspired by our conversation; and 2) a book on Singlehood Discourse in film. 
 
I’ve been a cinephile ever since junior high, when I wrote movie reviews for the school newspaper.  This love of film continued into high school, when I took TV Production courses and made movies.  I majored in Media Studies in college, and even though I didn’t pursue it as a career, that affinity for movies has continued.  I’ve started writing weekly reviews of movies with pro-singlehood messages.  I had mentioned that I had thought I had said everything Craig was able to say on the topic, to which Elyakim replied, “Nonsense.”  I needed that little kick in the pants, just like my old department chairperson, Laurie Carter, gave me to take my promotion portfolio seriously.
 
The Denouement
We parted ways at 6:00, and I was aflame with inspiration.  Elyakim had suggested Ketaki and I devise a launch for our collection, so we immediately set that up.  I also worked on a piece in which I describe the experience of two people’s first times with solo travel (apparently, I inspired them both).
 
The train is a favorite place of mine to be solo; I always feel at peace, particularly when there’s nobody sitting next to me.  I basked in the solitude as we rolled back to DC.  And when I got to my home, I wrote down some ideas for the new book. 
 
It was nice not having another person interrupt my flow.
 
 

​ 
I’ve said it many times on this blog, but solo travel isn’t just amazing; it’s necessary.  Everyone should do it at least once in their lives, whether they’re single for now or forever.  But it can be scary to some.  What will everybody think?  Will people look at me?  What if I get lost?  Those are common, understandable thoughts.  Fear is a natural, fight-or-flight response to an unknown situation.  But, as many therapists will tell you, the best way to get over a fear is to confront it head-on.
 
Two of my close friends are relative newbies to solo travel (one did this before getting married; the other before having her son).  And I’ll boost my own ego for a second, but they told me all my solo adventures inspired them to try it out for themselves.  They may not have had explicit fear, but they were venutring into the unknown, and there were concerns.
 
Sandy
 
Sandy is somebody I know from the jamband scene: Phish, Grateful Dead offshoots, that sort of thing.  I don’t usually write about it here because of the stereotypes, but I don’t fit any of the common ones, so I’m safe in doing so.
 
Sandy traveled solo a lot before she was married, but she never did the solo concertgoing experience (something I’ve done many times; through that, I’ve met cool folks like Pete and John, who I consider “ride or dies” with shows).
 
And that’s as an introvert.  Sandy, who describes herself as “outgoing,” talked to a lot of people on the train ride from southern New Jersey to New York City for one of Phish’s shows at the 7-night run this summer.  And she had a blast.  She sat by herself on the train, but once a few other “phans” (one of the discursive features of the Phish community is to replace the letter “f” with “ph” when it starts a word) hopped on the train, she chatted with them.  I do this all the time; it’s a good way to build community before we go our separate ways inside the venue.  She did meet up with a friend once inside, so she claimed to not really be “solo,” but she went up solo, so I think that counts.  On the train ride back, she talked with some other folks.
 
Cathy
 
Even though I identify as childfree by choice, I believe single parenting is the most badass thing a person can do.  Being responsible for another human being without the assistance of other adult?  It’s hardcore.  And Cathy did it for many years.  A benefit was that she had her son coming with him to events.  But, as he is now grown and in college, and my Facebook pictures seemed to inspire her, she was ready to try some solo travel.  She had a place to stay with me in her Washington, DC segment, and we’d split an Airbnb in Astoria, Queens for the New York portion.  I’d go to three nights of Phish at Madison Square Garden (different shows from the ones Sandy went to), meet up with Laura and her friend Lisa in Brooklyn for some swimming, and generally flaneur around Chinatown and Little Italy, while Chris would visit Ellis Island and the Museum of Modern Art.  Our common link would be Katz’s Deli, though (I didn’t have what she was having).
 
She indicated feeling apprehensive before the trip; she was afraid she might be lonely without someone to share her trip with.  Again, a natural fear, one that even crosses my mind as a solo traveler, but she remained open.
 
Her experience as a child of the military appeared to play into this openness.  Before settling into El Paso, she had moved from country to country every few months, and traveling solo was a place to reclaim this version of her badassery.
 
She hustled through the streets and subways of DC and New York solo, and did the tours on her own.  She found herself being able to enjoy the different languages being spoken in ways she might not have absorbed if she was with another person.  But her highlight was meeting up with an old high school friend who, despite being engaged, told her that she admired her adult life: her courage, sense of style and personality, and a job doing what she’s passionate about: teaching art to children.
 
There were a couple of bumps.  She took the wrong street to our Airbnb and had nobody but herself to rely on (who among us has never done that, really?), she made it home.  And she got some bad blisters from all the walking she did (sturdy shoes are crucial). And when asked how she felt after the trip, she gave the following words: Liberating, Exciting, Freeing, Self-Loving, Lesson Learned in the Shoe Department.

The last one is a rite of passage for many solo travelers.  The previous four words are how it should be.
 
LIBERATING, EXCITING, FREEING, SELF-LOVING, LESSON LEARNED IN THE SHOE DEPT
 
And to quote Phish, when you travel, whatever you do, take care of your shoes!

Author's Statement
My friend Christina Campbell and I devised a letter to send to the Think Tank for Inclusion and Equity, a new organization that strives to promote equity in representation of marginalized groups in television.  For years, Christina and I have examined how singles are portrayed in television, and we wrote them a letter back in June.  We didn't hear back (probably due to the massive amount of emails these folks get), so I'm posting here, and you'll see this on Onely, Christina's site.

​Dear Think Tank for Inclusion and Equality:
 
We admire your mission to help storytellers write non-stereotypical portrayals of characters from marginalized groups. In order to help you enhance your mission, we would love to help you create a fact sheet about how to write unoffensive, realistic portrayals of single people. In this note, we explain what “singlism” is, how scriptwriters unintentionally commit singlism, and how they can write better single characters. Both of us have extensive experience advocating for unmarried and socially single people; our advocacy work has appeared in national publications, multiple popular podcasts, academic conferences, and college courses.
 
WHAT IS SINGLISM?
 
Many people don't realize relationship status discrimination (aka singlism) exists.  Singlism is the societal stigma against people who are not married or otherwise part of a couple. This discrimination not only exists, but it bleeds over into other "isms," such as racism, classism, and ageism. For example, over 1300 laws in the federal code privilege married people over singles; according to our research, an unmarried person can easily spend at least a million dollars more than her unmarried peer, just from discriminatory tax, inheritance, and social security laws. For example, a person can leave their social security benefits to a spouse, but not to a sibling or even a domestic partner.  This discrepancy hurts all singles, but it particularly impacts singles from historically excluded groups. This government-sanctioned discrimination implicitly encourages commercial enterprises to have similar policies privileging marriage. Insurance companies often charge higher rates for single people. Employers, rental car companies, AARP, and countless other organizations allow people to add spousal benefits for free, without offering singles equivalent services for one of their loved ones. All this systemic singlism encourages our culture to view unmarried/unpartnered people as "less than," a view that shows up repeatedly in TV shows and movies.
 
HOW CAN SCRIPTWRITERS WRITE UNOFFENSIVE, REALISTIC CHARACTERS?
 
--Don't automatically conflate a "happy ending" with characters coupling up
--Don't use a character's marital status as a signal of how responsible/irresponsible or mature/immature they are
--Don't use a character's relationship status as a way to indicate how lonely they are (or are not)
--Avoid stereotypes such as the party-hearty, promiscuous single; the workaholic single; the recluse; or the man-child
--Show at least one single character being happy, responsible, and productive
--Avoid romantic subplots unless they clearly relate to, and advance, the story. Or don’t have a romance at all—surprise viewers by showing an important platonic relationship instead.
--If you do have a romantic subplot, consider having it derail and show the protagonist still coming out on top, which is a more true-to-life scenario
--Don’t always have the protagonist be married, or end up married/partnered
--If you have multiple protagonists, don’t have them all end up being married/partnered
 
We would love to work with you to create a fact sheet that educates writers about relationship status discrimination and helps them craft powerful, well-rounded single characters that challenge the stereotypes of single people as lonely, immature, and always seeking a partner.
 
Please feel free to check out our work. Christina’s websites are ChristinaDC.com and Onely.org. Craig’s website is TheHappyBachelor.org, where you can find links to his work, which has been published internationally. You can also contact Christina at [email protected] and Craig at [email protected].
 
 
Thank you for your time,
Craig Wynne and Christina Campbell