I go to my regular doctor’s appointments without being prodded.  I do my own grocery shopping and buy healthy food (though I do have a weak spot for ice cream and M&Ms).  I exercise regularly.  If I suspect a health-related issue, I’ll take meds or, if necessary, call the doctor.  I pay my bills on time.  My home isn’t immaculate, but it is presentable.  I take care of a living creature.  My home’s decorated.  I’m a T-shirt and jeans guy, but I can clean up when necessary.  I do laundry on a regular basis, and I know how to iron.  I like to cook.  I wash my dishes as I cook.  I run the dishwasher on a regular basis.  I make repairs right away.  I have an active social life.  I have a lot of woman friends who I’m not trying to romance or bed.  I have male friends who I’m also not trying to romance or bed.  I was once on an app – for 30 days.  It was the most halfhearted stab ever, and I haven’t been on one since.

I’ve been successful in a field where most of the successful men are married; I just became a Full Professor at my university.  Most male fulls have a wife at home do to the aforementioned domestic stuff.  Instead of serving a nuclear family at home, I serve people out in the world.
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I am the Happy Bachelor.

In Singled Out, Bella cites an article by Dre Dee called “Instructions for Living: How to Break Up (with a Single Friend),” which came from a magazine called 2: The Magazine for Couples.  From a couple-centric lens, it might make sense.  Amatonormativity dictates that your partner comes first, and a single friend’s priorities would upset the balance.
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This piece is all about cutting off coupled friends.  And I don’t mean all of them.  I have quite a few coupled friends who are great allies.  I understand that friendships change with someone partners up; amatonormativity dictates the rule is “put your partner first.”  It’s not fair, but it’s the way it is.  This is why I encourage my fellow singletons to have a network of friends; don’t just limit your friendships to one or two people.  

Because of that, some of my friendships have changed, and there’s been an instance or two when I’ve had to end said friendship.  There was James, the friend that said, “That’s WILD” when I told him about my choice not to have kids.  He had known about this for years.  I didn’t say anything at the time, but it came to a head when he became upset about some comments I made about a certain controversial figure who was killed.

The Story of Mary was a heartbreaking one.  We’d been friends for years before she started dating Dave.  He seemed like a cool enough guy to me.  One night, they came to visit me in DC, and I got into a conversation with a woman, Amy, when the three of us were on the DC Metro.  Dave kept butting in with non-sequiturs and before we got off at my stop, he said, “You should get each other’s numbers.”  Uhhh, no shit, Sherlock, I thought.  We did end up dating for five months before an amicable breakup; she wanted a traditional life.  I didn’t.  We’re cool.

During the time Amy and I were dating, Mary informed me that she and Dave broke up because he threatened to ditch her on a road trip to North Carolina; this wasn’t their first breakup and not the first time he’d threatened to leave her somewhere.  During a conversation we had later on, I told her, “Don’t go back to him whatever you do.” 

Of course, she did eventually.  I set a boundary, stating, “I won’t hang out with the two of you.  I just don’t agree with what you’re doing.”  At one point, I thought I could come around to being in the pair’s presence, but I had to call Dave out on his behavior on the Metro, butting into our conversation.  I did it through a Facebook private message, and thought I’d done so; Dave disagreed, not so gently. 

Mary then told me that my comment upset him so much that the two of them had gotten into a row, and he wrote a suicide note.  Although he didn’t follow through, I still became overwhelmed with feelings of guilt, even though I knew I couldn’t take responsibility for his feelings.  I’d planned to visit them and sleep on Mary’s couch.  Due to Dave’s discomfort about the situation and his recent breakdown, Mary put me up in a hotel.  Mary and I hung out, but I just couldn’t be in the same room as Dave; I felt my presence would exacerbate the situation.  Over the next few months, my communication with Mary became less frequent.  Then it became nonexistent.

I felt bad about the situation, but upon reflection, I also realized that some people are only meant to be in our lives for a season or two.  As a single at heart person, I realized that some friendships are transitory.  For that matter, some romances are too, which is why I’m skeptical about the idea of marriage. 

I’ve also been blessed with a great job in Washington, DC.  I always tell people that no matter what you’re into, DC’s got something for you.  This includes happy singles.  I have a network of single friends whom I see semi-regularly.  Some have coupled, but they “get it.”  And I have a large enough network that it doesn’t hurt that much when someone does.

But if a person can’t respect my own choices and life, I have to let that person go.  In this case, the breakup happened organically.  But in the case of James, I told him how his comment made me feel.  He didn’t respond, so I unfriended him.  It’s not comfortable to rip the Band-Aid, but sometimes, it’s necessary.

I’m trying to get better at it.

On May 23, 2018, a young man named Cameron Herrin decided to partake in a drag race across Tampa, Florida’s Bayshore Boulevard.  As a result, he killed two people: a woman and her child.  He was sentenced to twenty-four years in prison; he was eighteen.

Eight years later, a middle-aged man named Mustafa Eltayeb jumped a curb in his car and fatally hit a 38-year-old man named Sean King; this occurred in Fairfax, Virginia’s Leesburg Pike.  He was sentenced to twenty hours of community service.  Eltayeb was forty-three.

On the surface, this appears to be unequal justice: two very different sentences for the same crime.  Dig deeper, and this is VERY unequal justice: two very different sentences for the same crime, and my theory is that it’s due to the marital/parental status of the victims.  Comments on the YouTube video of Herrin’s sentencing included the following:

“I feel so sorry for the father. He lost his love and daughter, and these tiktokers actually defend the murderer and go against the poor man instead. This is just heartbreaking and disgusting.” - @Saturnforce5

“I truly feel sorry for that man(widowed) I'm in tears. Not only his wife, but his daughter, not even 24 years in prison will compensate for the heartbreak that he must be going through.” - @mio4541

“The mother and her child got life, he got off too easy.” - @rogergraham5902

In these instances, it wasn’t that these two people were killed.  It was that they were a wife and a mother that were killed.  And, to be sure, I sympathize with the husband.  And I don’t condone Mr. Herrin’s reckless driving.  I believe he should be sentenced to jail, but I think three to five years would be sufficient, along with a ten-year revocation of his license.  A letter of apology to the family and a community service requirement where he speaks to kids about the dangers of reckless driving would also be a nice touch. 

Now, let’s go to Sean King.  He did have a girlfriend who spoke to reporters.  But as far as we know, no spouse or kids.  So in a judge’s eyes, his life doesn’t matter, at least not as much as someone with a baby daughter and a man who signed that piece of paper.

I was heartened to see the comments were just as eviscerating of Mr. Eltayeb, and I would recommend the same sentence as Mr. Herrin.  He wasn’t drag racing, but he was distracted.  And when he came out of the courtroom, he denied even being involved in the crash.  If that’s not sociopathic behavior, I don’t know what is.  Just for fun, though, here are some of the comments on this video, which cared only that he was a person:

“Wow. Only 20hrs of community service for killing a man. Your community will remember this and how you betrayed them.” - @alexandbao

“Community service for killing somebody?!!!! Wtf” - @Ziggy33-j4s

“If the victim had been married and a parent, that guy would be behind bars for double digits. Unequal justice.”
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The last one came from me.  It got three likes.  Not sure who they are, but they get it.  I wish our legal system did.

A few times a year, I offer a workshop on Blogging to the veterans of the Armed Services Arts Partnership (ASAP).  One of the threads in my workshops is about how blogging can be a cool hobby, but it can also lead to other great things if you want to do.  Some of the participants want to use blogging to build brands.  Yesterday, one lady indicated wanting to use it to promote her customized T-shirt business.  A gentleman wished to use it to build his brand as a woodworker and entrepreneurship coach.  Another wanted to do a blog on parenting to speak to parents, mostly Moms.
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I begin the workshop by establishing my own ethos as a blogger; I briefly discuss how this blog has led to a brand as a “singlehood activist writer” or something to that effect, but for the most part, I have my “writing hat” on as opposed to the singlehood one.  But afterwards, I thought about how much of an impact blogging has had on my brand.  In fact, it started there.

Before I became introduced to Bella DePaulo, I was always trying to find “the one.”  But it never seemed to work out; in hindsight, my heart was never in those relationships/situationships/dating situations/whatever.  I was just trying to play the game to fit in.  Some of it was caused by those microaggressions (“When are you getting married/settling down/whatever”).  After going down the rabbit hole of Bella’s work, I did what any logophile does: I wrote about it in rants, observations, and musings.

Coincidentally, this was the time Community of Single People (CoSP) formed.  I was looking for an audience to validate my anger, and I got it.  As I kept writing, my tone became more refined.  About four years after I started blogging, the “publications” came all at once: an article in Revista Feminismos analyzing the singlist tropes in Crossing Delancey and Trainwreck; an activist piece for Spark: a 4C4 Equality Journal; and finally, How to be a Happy Bachelor.  I also talk about writing as a social tool; my blogging led to a connection with Ketaki Chowkhani, a scholar from Manipal, India; we worked on Singular Selves: An Introduction to Singles Studies, a collection of essays from scholars in the titular field.  I consider some of those scholars to be friends.

And all of those things have led to Op-Eds, appearances on podcasts, an interview on a TV news show, and, of course, tenure.  I was awarded the title of full professor this past summer; this title is a rarity in higher education now.  I’m on the Board of Singles Equality, an organization that aims to raise awareness of all things singlehood advocacy-related.  And I realize the previous paragraphs are an infodump of my accomplishments, but the point is that blogging was the road I took to get to where I’m at.  And I encourage students in these workshops to blog regularly and to be open to where their writing might take them.

When I started blogging, I was just looking for an outlet.  I never thought it would be a career or a brand.  But here we are.  So, if you’re a writer, keep writing. 

Bachelor's Note: This is my response to an exercise in a humor writing book that prompts you to describe a "bachelor's fridge."  Being the irreverent dude I am, I took this slant.  It's my freezer, but you get the point.

Maaaaaaaaaaaaan, that bachelor of mine keeps me full.  All those Coke Zeros and Gatorades and 2-liter bottles of orange soda; the oranges and celery and salad in those drawers down below.  Oh, and this week, he put his meat in me.  Deli meat, that is, so get your head out of the gutter!  Slammed it right in that drawer where my cousin Cheese chills at.  And that lovely egg holder.  I got a lot going on upstairs; veggies and frozen breads and pastries and meat.  Ohhhh, and he treated me to some French fries to go with the burgers and hot dogs he got for Labor Day.

Fuck these marrieds who think those bachelors can’t keep our ilk full.  Maybe some can’t, but this one’s got it GOING ON.  And that married couple I had twenty years ago, well, I got a little sick of the Bud Lights they kept sticking in me.  And hearing that wife throwing up all the time. 
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Marriage must really fuck with some people.  And, by proxy, my brothers and sisters.

“I feel bad for couples who want to start families and can’t afford homes.”  I heard someone say this at the Rush concert I attended at Madison Square Garden this past summer.
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As someone who sees just about everything through the lens of singles advocacy, my first thought is, what about us solos!?  But upon further reflection, I realized he had a point: it’s much harder to achieve the American dream we’ve been sold for decades.  Job, home, spouse, family, white picket fence.  And recently, AI experts are warning that AI could kill all humans in the next decade.  That prediction may be sensationalistic, but it is a concern given all the jobs being taken by AI.  So why are we still obsessed with having kids?

I grew up in a suburb, and it was just expected that I follow that path.  After my parents had me, they bought their home in Spring Valley for $44,250 in 1978, shortly after I was born.  They sold it for $103,000 in 1994 before buying a new one for $160,000.   Today, a similar one goes for $850,000.  As a solo, I own a 2-bedroom condo; it’s perfect for me and my cat Chester.  I don’t desire to have kids or move in with a partner.  So, I’m living the life that works for me.  And more people are embracing and enjoying solo living.

Yet, the dream remains.  Society talks about having children as if “having a baby” is the best reward.  However, that baby will become a child, and then an adolescent.  In most states, you’re legally responsible for them until they turn eighteen.  And those eighteen years are loaded with costs: the housing example, childcare, medical expenses, and, of course “Can I PLEASE have this!?”  And, with so many college graduates struggling to find jobs, many are living with their parents, not by choice.  And with AI, this problem could get worse in the next couple of decades.  So why do we still mandate the life script of “marriage and children?” 

Of course, people who want that life should be able to have it.  But it shouldn’t be the only measure of success; the American Dream should have many variations.  For some people, it’s the “white picket fence” life.  For others, it may be living with roommates or extended family.  For someone else, it might be a townhouse, a spouse, and no children.  In my case, it’s my career, condo, cat, travel, and an active social life.  None of those should be seen as having failed.

By now, most of the childfree world has heard about the cancelled flight from Victoria to Toronto, caused by a toddler who wouldn’t put on his seatbelt.  And there’s been a firestorm of comments on social media, ranging from “parenting fail” to “my child wouldn’t have sat down for a week” to a more empathetic “maybe the kid had a disability.”  One of the stranded passengers displayed more compassion than I’d have been able to if I’d been delayed, especially if it meant missing something important, like a conference.
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As a childfree person, I do have certain things easier.  Flying isn’t that much of a hassle for me.  Parents of youngins have to make sure their kids are safe, so everything is a job.  And some folks deduced that this kid may have been on the autism spectrum or had another disability.  I work with college students on the spectrum, so I can understand the difficulty of parenting a toddler with that affliction.

One of the arguments I saw was, “If you know your kid has a disability, don’t bring them on the flight.”  But maybe there was a family function they needed to attend?  We don’t know the purpose of their travel.

I’m of the opinion the airline handled the situation poorly.  They should have rebooked the parent and child a lot sooner; it wasn’t fair to the other passengers who were delayed. My hope is that they got meal and hotel vouchers, along with some miles for their inconvenience.  I would’ve written immediately (and I have for far less egregious mishaps).

However, this is why we need childfree flights, or at least childfree sections on flights.  An increasing number of restaurants do this, and even a lot of parents support this policy.  A couple may want a kid-free night to enjoy each other’s company, and as for us childfree singles, well, that goes without saying.  The same deal goes with individuals and couples wanting getaways without hearing a kid’s tantrums.  So why not accommodate those needs?

Until they do, however, I’ll work to avoid flying late at night.  

​Recently, an appeals court in California rejected a lawsuit that sought to eliminate the right of auto insurers to charge single people more because of their higher chances of getting into crashes.  Insurers have been engaging in this type of price structure for a long time.  This is known as singlism, discrimination against people who are single or otherwise non-partnered.
 
I’m happy to learn the plaintiffs, eleven non-married drivers (I prefer this term to “unmarried,” as the prefix “un” implies lack), plan to appeal.  I’ll assume both judges who ruled in favor of Ricardo Lara are married, which could inform their bias.  And I have my doubts about whether the next judge will rule in favor of the plaintiffs.  However, I believe this lawsuit is a prophecy of things to come.
 
When I conducted research for my book, How to be a Happy Bachelor, I called up GEICO and I grilled the poor customer service representative about why singles are charged more for insurance. He was sympathetic, but his response was the analytics showed that married people got in less accidents than singles.  I won’t argue with numbers, but I’ll posit that singles may get in higher wrecks due to their age; statistically, they tend to be younger, before the prefrontal cortex is developed.  I can only speak for myself, but I’ve gotten more meticulous behind the wheel as I’ve gotten older (save for the occasional speeding ticket and an accident several years ago that has me wanting to take public transit more often).
 
As a Board Member of Singles Equality (SE), I assisted in the creation of the Singles Bill of Rights (SBR), a manifesto designed to awareness of discrimination against singles.  Our mission is to continue to do just that.  I suspect the plaintiffs in this lawsuit may have that goal. Marital rates are declining, and are projected to continue to do so.  Whether one thinks that a good thing, bad thing, or somewhere in between, it is the reality.  While most people still want a romantic partner, less people have that desire than in years past.

The result will be a sizable group of people advocating for their single lives and to be treated with equity and dignity.  This will lead to more lawsuits and advocacy measures, not necessarily related to car insurance rates.  But there are the couples discounts, various tax breaks for married folks, and let’s not forget the daily microaggressions like “When are you getting married?”  The latter can take a toll on one’s well-being, which could lead to factors like road rage.  If our society acted equitably and fairly toward singles, this may not be an issue.
 
Let’s keep the fight going!

I have a soft spot for I Love You, Man, starring Paul Rudd and Jason Segel.  Buddy movies have existed for a long time, but this film is a concept: it takes the romcom formula, and it applies it to platonic male friendship.  While Rudd’s character does get married at the end, the movie is about the two dudes.  And, of course, they say, “I Love You, Man” to each other.

I don’t typically share about this on my blog, but I’ve seen Phish forty-eight times.  I don’t mention it because like singles, Phish fans (or phans) face their share of stigma.  I don’t do any of the things that contribute to those stereotypes (though college was a blur). 

At any rate, I had an experience at a show the other night that got me thinking about how we look at platonic love vs. romantic love.  At Madison Square Garden the other night, they played “Waste,” one of my favorite songs.  Hearing it typically gives me goosebumps, and on this occasion, I was also moved to tears.  As I was on the brink of said tears, I saw two dudes hugging.  I immediately mouthed under my breath, “That’s beautiful.”

It’s just not something you hear.  Phish is a jamband, one that can bring out anybody’s inner “peace and love” persona.  So, as a result, at any show, you’ll see a lot of canoodling couples (or potential one-night stands resulting from the drugs and alcohol).  To me, those folks are a dime a dozen, and after a while, they become a bit nauseating.  But seeing two dudes create a PDA around their friendship: that’s just priceless.  I saw a similar display the following night as I walked through the 86th Street platform after the Rush concert.  It’s like I Love You, Man’s had an impact on our society.
Actually, it may be quixotic to believe that a light comedy like that has that far-reaching a hold.  But I can hope.  And I’m a person who’s always valued friendship over romance, even when I was in romantic relationship (that could be a reason they didn’t last, but I disagree).  I have a large number of woman friends, and a fair number of men in my life.  There are some I can be more “affectionate” with than others.  I am a hugger; there are some who embrace the hugs, and others who are a bit awkward with them, so I have to act accordingly.

I wish I didn’t have to, though.  I’d like to see society normalize the kind of hugs I saw at the show and on the subway platform.  This is a singles-adjacent issue in that this loneliness epidemic appears to be hitting men a lot more than women, because men aren’t encouraged to form lasting friendships.  For many, their social network consists of their spouse.  And, in a hetero marriage, if their spouse divorces them (usually initiated by the woman) or dies (the man usually passes on first), the man is often adrift.  And if it's a single man who hasn't make friends, it's just as bad.

I don’t believe Phish is for all tastes, but if we could take even 1% of the energy that we saw from that jam-induced hug, I think everyone, man, woman, partnered, non-partnered, would be a lot happier.

Reading Bella DePaulo’s Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After was a visceral experience for me.  She cited one source, an article that advised coupled people to ditch their single friends.  This could also apply to people who wanted to be coupled.  After all, the traditional wisdom says, “surround yourself with the people you want to be like.”

​I have a few coupled friends.  They may not be single, but they’re supportive allies in my fight.  I’m thankful to have them in my life.  But I spend the bulk of my time with my single friends, most of whom are Single at Heart.  It’s natural and healthy for a person to gravitate to people who share your values.  Coupled people need coupled friends.  Romantic relationships are hard, and if you’re partnered, you need to be able to vent about the challenges to someone who “gets it,” not someone like me who might be inclined to say, “Leave them” (I’m only half-joking about this one).  And after a while, they need to get their social needs fulfilled by someone other than their spouse.  And if their partners can become friends, all the better, right?  (That doesn’t always happen, which can lead to a lot of uncomfortable silence or forced socializing).

An advantage of being a single person is that your friends are yours; you’re not being roped into socializing with your partner’s friend’s partner.  And when you socialize with a coupled person, you can be genuinely happy for them if they’re happy with their partner, but, after a while, you’d like to talk about other things than their relationship.  Of course, you can steer the conversation in a different direction, and if your friend is respectful, they’ll share the space.

There’s also the idea of amatonormativity, defined as the societal mandate that the pursuit and maintenance of a romantic relationship should be the central focus of one’s connections (thankfully, people in the non-monogamy world push back on this).  However, most of us have had the experience of “losing” a friend to a romantic partner, or at least being downgraded from Saturday night to Wednesday. 

“Single” can be a fluid status.  I’ve had friends who were happily single by choice until they met “the one.”  And others were all about romance until they weren’t anymore (I’m in that category).  But life is unpredictable.  So I’ll channel Peter McGraw’s advice to “have a team.”  I have people with whom I see live music, people who go hiking with me, movie buddies, and some deeper connections where we exchange life advice – and cat pictures (you’re the most likely to be reading this).

I also realize I’m in Washington, DC, where it’s been relatively easy to cultivate those networks.  But if you’re in a suburban or rural locale, you likely have challenges.  And I empathize.  So I have a few suggestions:

1. If you’re near a city, be willing to travel a bit.  If you can’t drive, take public transit.  If you don’t have public transit, save some money for a taxi or rideshare.
2. Build online connections.  The Community of Single People (CoSP) Facebook is a chosen family of mine, through which I’ve met a large number of my singles-in-arms.
3. Don’t be afraid to end friendships with people who don’t respect your lifestyle or who try to push theirs on you.  I did it with someone who remarked it was “wild” that I was childfree by choice, and I’m not looking back. 
4. Get comfortable doing things by yourself.  Nobody’s judging you.  They’re too into their own issues.  And if they are, chances are, they’re envious of you.  I refer back to those two assignments I gave in my “How to be Single and Happy” course: going to a meal by yourself and doing the cinema solo.

Whether we’re single by choice, circumstance, or somewhere in between, the large majority of us have some need for validation.  Get with those people who’ll give it to you – and who you can give it to!