Bonding in Boston: NeMLA2024

​“I’m addicted to NeMLA.”

So said Moises, the moderator of the panel during which I read a first draft of a personal essay, “Single Does Not Mean Bad: On Embracing One’s Own Lone Wolf Tendencies.”  And I’d think it’s safe to say I am too.  Elizabeth and I moderated a Singles Studies panel for the third year in a row, and we had some great presentations.  From one, I got inspired to check out Bridesmaids; apparently, there’s a pro-single spin I just didn’t see in my initial viewing of the film.  And some anger-inducing political rhetoric presented by Elizabeth (gotta love that Matt Gaetz).  Two presentations of China’s “leftover women”.  And one about characters in Australian fiction.
 
I don’t typically announce projects I’m working on, but I’m in the embryonic stages of a book about singlist tropes in TV and film, inspired in part by that fateful meeting Elyakim and I had back in Philadelphia.  I wanted to have a paper I could use for the conference and the book, and my mind went to The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.  I had binged on it the prior summer, and found humor and insight in the caricaturistic ways singlism and matrimania is portrayed throughout the show.  I found it easy to make an argument that it was a pro-single show which ultimately satirizes that way of thinking.  So I spent weeks rewatching, taking notes, analyzing, reading, drafting for that magical twenty minutes of presenting.  And I’ll revise again for the talk I’ll be giving on it at my local chapter of the College English Association.  And again at the International Singles Studies Conference in July – once again in Boston, the site of this year’s wonderful conference.
 
I enjoyed and learned from all of the talks, which activated my sense of righteous anger at the pro-couple rhetoric and thinking that pervade our world.  As for my own work, I thought about ways I could enhance it and make it part of a larger argument in my book.  For example, I’ll be interested to look at viewing habits and to see whether it influences the beliefs people have about romance, and consequently, their relationship choices.  A social science twist.
 
I’ve been compelled to get some of my CoSP tribe together in person, inspired by that outing we had at Medium Rare back in December, and amplified by that night Bella came to Busboys and Poets, followed by us singletons taking over the back room at Shaw’s Tavern.  I have friends from different facets of my life, but when I’m with my fellow singletons, I’m truly at home.  So, naturally, I talked to Karen about getting some of us together in Boston.  So she made the reservations at Union Oyster House (the oldest restaurant in the US), and we coordinated getting some of us together.  And the conversation flowed: books, movies, public transit, the psychological blocks that keep people from New Hampshire, Vermont, and Massachusetts from crossing state lines, and, of course, singlehood.  Our waitress was a character too; upon observing the empty plate, which had once consisted of scrod and mashed potatoes, she remarked, “Your Mom would be proud.”  She hasn’t met my Mom, but she’s probably right.
 
Friday morning would be the real test – reading about how I found my journey into Singles Studies and happy singlehood in a personal essay, “Single Does Not Mean Bad: On Embracing One’s Own Lone Wolf Tendencies.”
I had written a version of this in How to be a Happy Bachelor’s opening chapter, but I’d never actually read it to a live audience.  Presenting academic work, no problem now.  Getting personal was another story.  I’d done this in front of Singles Studies audiences before, but taking it outside raised some questions: would I have to bat down microaggressions?  And how I would do so professionally?
 
Fortunately, that didn’t happen.  In a panel based around the Impostor Syndrome, Moises talked about the marginalization of creative panels at academic conferences; most organizers only want “academic” work, which can make creatives feel like impostors.  And I hadn’t even thought about that; even though I still dabble in creative writing, my Ph.D. work has mostly transferred my writing energy into academic work.  So he got it, as indicated in his presentation of the struggles many of his students face as they navigate academic discourse, which can ignite the impostor syndrome.
 
I’ll post my essay in the next few days (bear in mind, it is a first draft).  After Moises finished his talk, he called me up to the stage, where I read.  And it got laughter in a few spots and some head nods in others; hearing that always puts me at ease.  My favorite bout of laughter came when I discussed how my students critiqued the fallacies made in that unfortunately written book, The Case for Marriage.
 
The last presenter, Nicoletta, shared about her experience as an impostor in different identity negotiations, such as a writer/student over the age of 50, a parent to a son with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), and a female teacher in a state that just doesn’t value them as much as they do males.
 
What I recognized is that even though these other two presenters are married with children, they face “othering” in different ways.  Very few of us are immune to it.  Some of us may just be better at hiding it than others (no pun intended there).  Singlehood is just the filter through which I view the world, and it’s where I feel I can do the most good by myself and by others.
 
I recognized this as my fellow panelists and I answered questions about our ideas presented.  I talked about the conflation of single men with the MGTOW and Incel movement (folks, we’re not all incels or MGTOWs!).  One audience member brought up a question about how the discussion of Singles Studies intersects with conversations about aromanticism and asexuality (short answer, they don’t as much as I’d like to see, but they will eventually).  Another wanted to know about how to connect with other happily single folk that don’t necessarily want to change their relationship status.  I spoke of the blessings of social media (CoSP did that, primarily).  I am blessed to have moved to DC, a diverse city where I often joke “whoever you are, whatever you’re into, there’s a place for you.”  Many folks who live in suburban or rural areas don’t have immediate access to such likeminded people, so they need these Internet spaces. 
 
I walked away from both presentations invigorated.  I had gone old-school with the Maisel talk (just reading a paper), but between the time the presentation ended and the time I’d meet up with Elizabeth to head to the restaurant, I placed my main talking points into a slideshow, with fun images included.
 
With the creative piece, I had thirty minutes to check out of my hotel room and three hours to spend before commencing with the eight-hour Amtrak ride back to DC.  So I went on the culinary suggestions of singletons Liz (Falafel King for a chicken kabob roll-up) and another Karen (Mike’s Pastry for a to-go box consisting of a mint chocolate chip cannoli and a peanut butter one). 
 
So now I sit on this train, the blues stylings of Selwyn Birchwood piping through my headphones as I write this piece.  Two notes: 1) the blues is so ideal for train travel; and 2) I have Sam, who I met while traveling solo to a concert last week to thank for that recommendation.  I’m feeling a bit sad to have to leave that space of intellectual discourse, creative juices, and, best of all, pro-singlehood ideas.  But I also remember that I’m heading back to the urban landscape of DC, where I have some great peeps and will continue adding to the pro-singlehood discourse, both in an academic and creative manner.
 
Still, I’ll be looking forward to NeMLA 2025 in Philly, just a two-hour jaunt from my door.