My Single Life...as Imagined by My Coupled Friends (the PG-13 version)

​I get up around 7. Get out of bed around 7:30.  After stumbling over a bunch of empty pizza boxes on my way to the refrigerator that has all kinds of mold and stain throughout, I drink some orange juice directly from the carton.  After I take a swig, I kick my pizza boxes at the wall.  One feels heavier than the rest.  I open it, and jackpot, I find a slice that hasn’t been touched!  It’s got some dust on it, but all I need to know is blow on it, and it should be edible.  I woof it down in two bites.
 
I spray cologne all over my body before pounding a Red Bull.  I doze off a bit on the Metro before getting into work at around 9, where I find an email from the commissioner of my fantasy football league giving out an announcement about lineups needing to be solidified before Sunday. 
 
I do some work before going to the breakroom to chat with the boys about where we’re hitting happy hour.  I pound down a 5-hour Energy Drink to get through the afternoon, and work ends, we down some McDonalds before heading to the bar to party, which we do until the bars close.  I catch an Uber back to my pad at around 3:30 in the morning and crash out on my sheetless bed.
 
I get up around 7.  Get out of bed around 7:30.  Repeat cycle.