On Picking My Battles

​After a breakup and subsequent period of sadness during which I obsessively told myself I was going to die alone, I found the work of Bella DePaulo, which essentially saved my life and transformed my thinking about singlehood.  It transformed it so much that I’ve become a scholar/writer/activist/crusader for singlehood, writing articles and even a book about it. 
 
Yet, there’s been a downside about it.  I now hear microaggressions where I hadn’t previously (such as politicians referring to “American families” as opposed to “American people”).  On the way back from a solo trip from hiking the AT, as I walked toward my apartment, I heard a woman refer to her brother as a “loner/bachelor.”  That triggered me for a second before I realized she may not have meant it as a negative thing.  After all, I hadn’t heard the entire conversation, so I’m probably missing a great deal of context.
 
I’m reading a book entitled The Professor in the Cage: Why Men Fight and Why We Like to Watch, which is about a professor’s foray into cage fighting, done as a study in masculinity (and in my opinion, the primal urges that lead to toxic masculinity).  He mentioned that marriage pacifies men, and that the lion’s share of violence is done by unmarried men (I hate that word “unmarried”).  I grinded my teeth for a second, and then I thought, well, actually, I think I felt pacified when I was in relationships.  And toxic masculinity among men is real, and men are often competing for relationships/sex, so yeah, I guess it makes sense that would be the case.  Of course, without such perceptions of how manhood is connected to sex, we might see that violence drop, so we need to look at the root of that problem, which the author neglects.
 
The problems of singlism and matrimania still exist.  But the trick for me is learning to see it where it actually does occur and to not overread where it may not.