OSOs

​“And we’re the three best friends that anybody could have, we’re the three best friends that anybody could have, and we’ll never ever ever ever ever leave each other…”
 
When I think of The Hangover, my mind immediately jumps to Alan’s ode to his “wolf pack.”  While said members of the pack probably don’t reciprocate his feelings, it brings to mind how powerful friendship can be. 
 
This is the central tenet of Rhaina Cohen’s new book, The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life with Friendship at the Center (I’ll use the acronym OSO for the rest of this post), in which she argues that friendship be placed on the same platform that romance is.
 
I’ve always valued my friendships more than romance.  Thinking back to my college years, I remember a potential girlfriend ultimately rejecting me after unsuccessfully trying to pull me away from a basketball game with my friends to hang out with her.  One could argue that maybe I wasn’t really into her, but I was spending time with friends and I wouldn’t pull away.  As I’ve gotten deeper into Singles Studies, I’ve developed a wide array of friendships that give my life way more meaning than any romance ever has or ever could.

So I was in a state of enthusiasm as I rode the MARC to Baltimore for a discussion around OSO.  I’d hear some discussion around friendship, and I’d get to see Kevin and Alicia.
 
I was initially dismissive of Rhaina when I learned she was married.  How dare you speak down from your pedestal! I thought.  But Kevin had sent me her article, “What if Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Center of Life” and he spoke highly of her, so his word gives a mark of credibility.  And she had a lot of good things to say.  Most importantly, acknowledged singlism and Bella DePaulo’s work, so that’s an automatic A+ in my gradebook. 
 
After devouring a tuna sub at the nearby Subway, I snagged three seats.  Kevin arrived first, then Alicia.  The crowd around us varied in age, but appeared on the younger side.  My guess is a lot of students and a few professors from nearby Johns Hopkins University (the dude next to me sported a hat from the crew team). 
 
We started out with an activity, where we were given a post-it.  On the post-it, we’d substitute the words “get by” with a word or phrase of our choosing in the Beatles’ lyric, “I Get By With a Little Help From My Friends.”  I went with “thrive.”  Rhaina ended the event by having one of her friends play the keyboard while we sang “I” and “with a little help…,” while Rhaina reading from our post-it.  “Thrive” made it!
 
In between the “fun” were some great ideas.  My favorite was the idea of the “relationship staircase,” as opposed to the “escalator,” which can be applied to romance and friendship.  I’ve had friendship go through all kinds of high-intensity and low-intensity phases, and they’re none the worse for wear.  Sometimes, we’ll go for months without speaking, but then, we’ll pick up where we were at before the hiatus in communication.  Could romance be like that as well?
 
Cohen discusses the idea of non-romantic life partners, which had me thinking of this clip.  In the Askewniverse, we rarely (if ever) see Jay and Silent Bob apart.  And we fans love their antics and can appreciate their bond.  Samantha Roth, a psychotherapist who engaged with Cohen in the conversation, brought up the idea of “intimate relationships therapy” as opposed to “couples therapy.”  After all, friendships go through rough patches, don’t they?    I loved that she changed the title of a course from “Romance” to “Intimate Relationships.”  The latter is all-encompassing.
 
Rhaina also asked the audience if any of them had ever had “platonic love at first sight.”  I had to think a bit, but my mind flashed back to Mark, whom I met at an Allman Brothers tribute show.  He was having a blast at that show and seemed so cool.  He had gotten me into going back to live music after a long hiatus.  Even though we live a few hours apart, we still hit the occasional DC show together and we hang out when I visit Newport News.  And through him, I met my friend Drew, with whom I have inside jokes about “waiting for the bus” and “special guest” (I’ll go into that in a future essay about my friendship with him).
 
And finally, the idea of hierarchy.  I have lost friends to romantic relationships; amatonormativity’s a bitch indeed.  That being said, that’s the way things are for the moment until ideas like Rhaina’s become more accepted.  So I find it’s important for me to maintain a wide network of friendships.  This way, if I’m lowered on someone’s hierarchy, I’ll have other friends.
 
Cooking and baking are two of my love languages.  I love making food for friends.  So, of course, I brought homemade brownies for Kevin and Alicia.  I had a third for my ride back to DC.  But I had an inkling to hook Rhaina up.  I asked Kevin for advice on that, and he said, “Go for it.”  So I did. I hope she enjoyed it the way I did her talk.
 
After the talk, Kevin and I made our way across the street to Insomnia Cookies with Joseph, a new friend, who had come to a Childfree Singles Meetup I hosted at Arlington’s Ballston Quarter.  We talked work and housing, particularly the idea that the real estate market, like most other things, is not built for singles.  I am navigating the solo homebuying experience, and it’s a challenge.  But I’m hoping to make it through.  This evening jaunt was refreshing, and made much more fun with friends.