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Singles: Let's Stop Being So Self-Effacing

3/30/2020

11 Comments

 
​COVID-19 is changing the world’s entire landscape and will no doubt have long-standing ramifications for the future.  Fortunately, for us, social media has given us the ability to make virtual connections without having to leave the house, and there are tons of funny memes.  One was posted by a single dude I know with a picture of a guy with a bulging right bicep with the text that read something to the effect of, “Single guys, make sure you masturbate with most hands, or by the time this ends, your arms will look super weird.”  Sadly, I cannot find the meme itself, and I really didn’t care to look for it.
 
It can be healthy to poke fun at oneself, and I’ve even done that myself.  I used to moderate the Childfree and Single Facebook group, and I instituted a “no single-shaming rule (i.e., “you seem like a jerk, that’s why you’re single”).  But I would occasionally share a corny joke and then say, “this is why I’m single (it doesn’t count when you’re single-shame yourself”).  But I look back and think, I’m just perpetuating negative stereotypes around singlehood, and what good is that?
 
Internalized singlism is real.  It was first mentioned on a blog called Rachel’s Musings, and it refers to how we put ourselves down for being single.  I’ve done that, and I entered relationships I had no business being in as a result.  For some people, it’s actually dangerous, and I believe it contributes to victims of domestic violence staying in relationships that could end up killing them.
 
The Facebook group, Community of Single People, is a place where singles can be free to talk about singlehood: its positives, its challenges, societal marginalization of singles.  It’s also the place where I became truly comfortable in my singlehood.  There are a lot of other groups in which people bemoan their single status, and I get it.  It’s hard.  But if we can all learn how to not see being single as a defect, we might just be better off.  But it starts with us.
 
Stay safe, sane, and healthy, and do the five!
11 Comments
Steve
3/30/2020 03:31:55 am

The same applies to childfree life. I hear people say they are too "selfish" to change from being either single or childfree. They have nothing to do with being selfish at all. Looking after your own interests is not selfish. Doing it at a clearly definable other person's expense is. If you're single and childfree, that other person does not exist.

Reply
Craig Wynne
3/30/2020 03:36:22 am

I agree 100%, Steve. It's hard for a lot of people to escape the grand narrative, as told to us by society at large.

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Steve
3/30/2020 03:43:14 am

It certainly is. Social brainwashing (or conditioning, whatever you wish to call it) is pervasive. I've heard plenty of occasions, especially on the old Psychology Today boards with Bella DePaulo that we should just own the "selfish" tag.

Illogical beyond belief. Why should we own a label that logically does not remotely apply??

Dan
3/30/2020 04:16:34 am

Steve, those who complain about adults who don't have children are the first to complain about poor people having to many babies.

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Steve
3/30/2020 06:02:10 am

I think that could well be spot on, Dan. Has to be a certain kind of baby - the cries of "idiocracy" don't appear to be too far away...

Ketaki Chowkhani
3/30/2020 03:56:46 am

Internalising singlism is something I did for so long, thinking of myself as a failure. Reading on singlism, teaching singles studies, and especially being part of COSP has done a lot for me to be a proud single today. We cannot undermine the power of online community groups and academic research :-)

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Craig Wynne
3/30/2020 04:04:19 am

It's hard not to internalize it with all the messages out there. I did the same thing before I discovered Bella's work. There's an idea in education, "Writing to Learn." For me, blogging has been such a great deal toward helping me gain self-acceptance in this regard.

Reply
Kristin
3/30/2020 06:31:59 am

I had a friend of West Indian heritage whose family shamed her into staying with an abusive man. It was shame from "not being able to keep a man," not fear, that kept her there.

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Joan DelFattore link
3/30/2020 07:06:39 am

I agree entirely. For a female who grew up in the 1950s in a deeply conservative Italian Catholic family, it's hard to overstate how much being single without children was NOT viewed as an option. Those early voices are hard to hush.

Reply
Heather
3/30/2020 07:58:04 am

I love this, lots of good insights. If anything this pandemic has shown me how much I love being solo and how I’m much more well adjusted as a result of being single for so long.

Reply
Craig Wynne
3/30/2020 06:23:33 pm

Thanks, Heather! Being single is a skill for sure! It takes practice.

Reply



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    Author

    My name is Craig.  I'm an educator, writer, and unapologetic singleton.  When not reading, writing, or teaching, I enjoy hiking, running, watching movies, going to concerts, spending time with friends, and playing with my cat/son, Chester.

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