I am forever grateful for my Grateful Dead-loving friend Pete.  He had texted me some pictures from the Psychedelicatessen exhibit at the Jewish Museum of Maryland, a psychedelia-themed art exhibit by an artist named Steve Marcus, which merges Jewish culture and psychedelia (including some Grateful Dead references, including Terrapin Station).


I made sure to sport the tie-dye Grateful Dead T-shirt I got at Virginia Beach’s Half Moon Cafe.  The MARC up was soothing as usual.  Waiting for the bus (a la ZZ Top) was not, as it never came.  So I walked; this journey included broken walking signs and a shut-down of a street on my map; it was a long strange trip, for sure.  But I did it make there and was greeted by a nice young lady with a Shabbat tattoo on her arm, who said, “I guessed from your shirt you were here for the exhibit.”  A good assumption to make, but I do have an interest in history, and although I don’t practice Judaism anymore, I do love the history and culture.


Below are a few pictures of the exhibit:

I was in full Deadhead mode, as I had the likes of “Touch of Grey,” “Brokedown Palace,” and “Eyes of the World” piping through my headphones.  But those pictures of knishes and pastrami had me wanting a nice big meal from a nice Jewish deli.  

I explored the rest of the museum, which included an old newsletter called Generations; this periodical consists of stories of Jews who had emigrated to Maryland from the Holocaust, and there were some interesting-looking magazines, including a story with a nod to a rabbi who had never married.  No judgment from the writer, just a statement of fact.  That made me think of Paul, who posited that some are better suited for single hood if they’re serving God.  I’m not religious, but I do believe my single hood has positioned for serving my fellow humans through advocating for those who are single, either by choice or by circumstance.  

There were some cool videos too, including some of musical performances, as well as podcasts that narrated tales of Jewish settling in Maryland.  I was done after about an hour.  When I got out, I saw a building called Weiss’s Deli; I figured I’d just see if they had anything.  The line blocked any possible view of snacks or drinks, so I moved along and passed by Attman’s Deli, the sign of which reflected a true old-school Jewish deli.  It’s a Black neighborhood now, and the deli is quite popular among them.  It was cool to see Blacks and whites working side by side behind the counter and eating together in the nicely decorated dining room.  I’d never had a hot dog with bologna on it, so I figured it would tide me over nicely.  A Doc Brown’s soda is also a requirement in any Jewish deli anywhere.

Afterwards, I rode the Baltimore subway for the first time, which isn’t much different from DC, but I do love subways.  And before the pandemic, I loved writing in coffee shops.  I don’t do it much anymore, but since I was set to meet my friend Alicia at an Italian restaurant called Viccino Italian Gourmet, and I was about an hour early, I thought I’d start this post at Starbucks with more Dead sounds in my ears (live versions of “Walking Blues” and “Terrapin Station,” as well as “Casey Jones” and “Althea,” provided the soundtrack for this round).

Alicia and I then met at a local diner where we held a deep conversation, much of which revolved around being single at heart.  It's always nice to find like-minded folks.

While I don’t love the fact that ChatGPT now has to be considered in writing instruction, I do consult with it when I have a personal problem or deep question.  Of course, it doesn’t replace human interaction, but it can supplement it, and in some cases, it can reaffirm things I’ve been told.  In this post, I’ll weave the advice I received from ChatGPT and folks on CoSP into my own developing thoughts on this manner.

I read about a psychological concept known as “normative idealization,” which is the idea that people tend to think of “their” way of living as the “normal” or “right” way to live.  And the “relationship escalator” has become so normalized (and rewarded) in our world that it’s only natural for people to think that marriage is the way.  But, like anything, marriage comes with sacrifices and challenges . That’s not to say singlehood doesn’t either, even for us happy singletons, but this piece will focus on how some of those challenges might put some married people on the defensive. 

One person on CoSP put it in more accessible terms: it’s just human nature for people to think of their way as “the way.”  And because marriage is seen as the gold standard (and the silver, and the bronze), other lifestyles don’t make sense to people who’ve followed that path, particularly if their upbringing and their culture has instilled it into them.  And when people don’t understand something, their first instinct is to attack it.

The challenges of marriage are also just too much for some people.  In my more active dating days, one friend put to me bluntly, “When you’re married or in a serious relationship, you can’t just do whatever you want.”  It’s true; there are rules to consider, the most prominent being that you have to consult with your partner on just about everything.  And not everybody’s wired for that life.  Some of those people may have entered into marriage before realizing that, or they just went against their instincts because, well, “it’s just what I’m supposed to do.”  I thought that way before Bella’s work switched me over to the dark side (or light side, depending on how you look at it).  And I like to think CoSP has done that for a lot of people, and that I’ve been a significant part of that mission.

But some people can’t (or won’t) see it for what it is.  The “sunk costs” fallacy comes into play.  Some think, “I’ve spent all this money on a wedding and merged my life with theirs.  I’ve spent all this time.  How DARE they do that thing that I wish I could do but now can’t!  And divorce is expensive!  And my friends and family will judge me for it!  So I’m gonna let ‘em have it!”
In the first part of this post, I brought up The Romance Mystic and Sharon Kass’s vitriolic responses to my work.  I obviously brought up some deep-seated emotions for them.  I don’t know either of them and am not qualified to psychoanalyze them, but I can speculate that both of them likely feel threatened by others who live differently from them.  In my experience, the happily married/coupled people I know are very supportive of singles’ choices; why would they judge?  I’ve even met and worked with some of them in the realm of Singles Studies and singles advocacy.  They’re secure enough to allow others their choices. 

At present, the laws don’t agree with the single lifestyle; neither does the media or medicine or countless other institutions.  To be fair, many of the figureheads in those institutions married for a myriad of reasons and may not be aware of the inequities toward singles.  And advocacy is about raising awareness, which is why organizations like Unmarried Equality (UE) and spaces like Community of Single People (CoSP) are so important.  And a lot of people, even in DEI spaces, don’t think such advocacy is necessary; after all, singles aren’t victims of “hate crimes,” at least not in the traditional sense. 

But I’ll persist.  And I think, on some level, my/our haters know I’m/we’re right.  They’re just not ready to admit it.  But maybe someday, that chariot will arrive for them.

When I teach my Blogging Workshop, I provide a mini-lesson on how to respond to “trolls.”  Thanks to the Internet, anybody can put their opinions out there for anyone to see.  It was how I started building my second career around writing about singlehood/Singles Studies/singles advocacy.  And, of course, when you put your opinions out there, people will respond.  In fact, that tendency is part of human nature, pre-Internet.  In the 1994 comedy, The Paper, Randy Quaid’s columnist spends half the money dodging a reader who literally wants to put a bullet in his head just because said reader didn’t like what he wrote.

Thankfully, I haven’t had to deal with that – yet.  But, I have had some hate responses trickle in.  Bella posted reprinted of hers in Single at Heart, and when I heard the “Ooooh, That’s Interesting” episode from Lucy Meggeson's Thrive Solo podcast in which she read some of her hate mail from “listeners,” I knew I had to publish something.

A few years ago, I wrote a piece for Writer’s Digest called “How to Write a Character Who is Single: 4 Cliches and Tropes to Avoid When Writing Single Characters.”  Apparently, it was one of the publication’s most popular pieces.  It even got some love from The Fussy Librarian.
However, one person did not love it: someone named The Romance Mystic apparently thinks those single stereotypes aren’t “stereotypes,” and that every non-married person she knows is miserable.  You can read the full content at the end of my article.
Recently, I was in the position of critiquing a piece by Michal Leibowitz from the New York Times in which she suggested that more people aren’t having kids due to a result of too much therapy; of course, this argument was built on the presupposition that not having kids is a bad thing.  I was pleasantly surprised to hear my letter to the editor was considered worthy of publication in this prestigious periodical.  A few days later, as a 47th birthday present, I got an email telling me the following:
The state of being "happy" can mean merely being comfortable.  Neurotics maintain a state of comfort by avoiding what they truly need and gravitating toward poor substitutes.
 
I recommend depth psychotherapy for you.  Work on your childhood, especially your relationship with your parents in early life.
 
Good luck.

Sharon Kass
Washington, DC
 
It took me about a minute of Googling to learn that Ms. Kass is a well-known anti-LGBTQ+ activist. 
There were a lot of thoughts going on.  First, I believe when you get hate mail, that’s a sign that you’re really doing your job.  I’m guessing Ms. Kass typed my name into a Google search engine and learned all about the writing I do for the single and childfree communities.
 
But Lucy said something interesting about these people who actually took the time to write hate mail in which they said, “you’re selling people a lie that being single and not having kids is the way to go.”  In some cases, they probably took the time to listen to a whole podcast episode.

As someone who has written some pretty scathing critiques of matrimaniacal material, I can say that I’m in a fairly emotional state when I generate those ideas (I was when I wrote that letter to the New York Times).  Writing has always been my primary outlet, and it’s needed to get that message out there.  Perhaps that’s what both of my respondents were feeling.  But my question is: why do they hate that message so much?  Why do they care about people who live lives that have nothing to do with them?  I have my own theories (which I articulated in a very nice unsent letter), and Lucy discussed hers, but I’d love to hear from you.  I may post a follow-up in another piece with a combination of my ideas and yours.
 
 

I recently came across the term “railfan,” which refers to someone who loves trains.  I don’t collect them (yet), but I do love riding them.  And for this week’s solo outing, I took the MARC up to Perryville, and just to get a little taste of small-town life.  I’m a city boy, but every now and again, I like to indulge in the scenery: the rustic houses, the tree-lined streets, the eateries where the waitress knows your name and regular order.


Some of that on the way up, but even on a self-care day, I just can’t resist my Singles Studies/Singles advocacy stuff.  I listened to the Solo podcast where Gordon Morris & Christina Campbell appealed to talk about Unmarried Equality (UE) so that I could get some material for Christina’s and my presentation on UE at this summer’s International Singles Studies Association (ISSA) Conference.  And I read my library book, Single Women in Popular Culture.  Otherwise, nice views.


Upon arrival, I was met by the Perryville Railroad Museum, which sadly, only stays open on weekends, when the MARC doesn’t even GO to Perryville (this region needs much better public transit).  But I did make it down to the Susquehanna River, where I sat on a bench at a pier and wrote.


I walked down a trail and got some nice pics of the river.  I don’t shoot photos of houses (the owners might have an issue with that), but there were some cute knick-knacks on the porches and a lot of boats in yards, as well as in the river.  I did fantasize about that kind of life, but boats require heavy maintenance, and I’m a more “inland” type of dude.

The ride and walk worked up my appetite, so I made my way to 5th Company Brewing.   Totally empty, sans two solo diners at the bar, both with bushy beards.  The waitress, Katie, addressed me as “hun,” a lovely feature of small-town eateries.  I wasn’t sure if a simple jumbo pretzel with crab dip would fill me up, but it did.  Katie did glance as I wrote in my notebook.   She likely thought I was a restaurant critic (food inspector would be a far cry off for a guy sporting a Grateful Dead T-shirt).

After walking off dinner for about 45 minutes, I got an Italian Ice at Greek Girls Ice Cream, a cute stand.  From there, I walked to the station and chatted with an older woman who rides the MARC from Baltimore to Perryville for work every day, but is thinking about a change, especially now that her husband passed way and she feels a lot freer.  One nice thing about the train: the people you sometimes meet.

One not-so-nice thing: when a vehicle ends up on the tracks, which happened.  So we stalled for about 30 minutes before we finally made it to Baltimore Penn Station.  They had to cancel this train to get the folks in DC back home, so I was waiting until 8:45.  Once on there, we had to wait fifteen minutes for an Amtrak to load off so people could transfer.  Quite frustrating, and I was getting worried about Chester.

But, eventually, I made it home, and he was on his recliner, right where I left them.  True to form, he said, “Give me treats, human!”  I responded, “Yes, master” and proceeded to follow his orders.

During the summertime, I’m not occupied with the grind of lesson planning, grading, teaching, committee meetings, and the emails, the emails, the emails!  This means more time to get in my own head, which means more time to get angry at these singlist micro aggressions I witness, well, everywhere.

I find my best outlet is writing; thus far, I’ve written a letter to the NY Times editor regarding a patronizing piece on the therapy culture’s contribution to childlessness, an unsent letter to someone who detracted to one of my pieces, and, most recently, a request to NextDoor to replace a pop-up that read “Let us know your spouse or partner’s email” with “let us know your contact person’s name.”  Hey, an activist must always aim to educate.

I decided to take a day off from all that, in addition to the various research and teaching projects that are comprising my summer (not to mention my application for full professor).  I’m more than a bit tepid about driving in my region and I love public transportation, but I looked up that Gettysburg, PA is only a little above an hour’s drive from me.  I woke up at 6:30 and decide to just do it.

Once I exited the soulless, viewless I-270 and got onto Route 15, I was met by some nice views of barns and silos.  Sadly, some of that land is being adorned with identical houses, a pronatalist’s wet dream.  But it was nice to see some rural landscapes; even if I wouldn’t want to live in them, they’re fun to look at.

I got to the Visitors Center; I had planned to do this trip on a weekday during the early part of the summer, before school was out and families began to pack the place.  That hope was dashed when I immediately saw a bunch of elementary school-aged children on a field trip.  And the parking lot was packed with plates from Kentucky to Michigan to California.  Most of the guests appeared to be older, likely retired couples.  Hey, you’ve earned it; live it up!

I bypassed the Visitors Center and went straight to the National Cemetery and Battlefield to take some pictures.  The highlight was the spot where Abraham Lincoln gave the Gettysburg Address.  My first thought: What would he think of what’s happening in the US right now?  I even directed an older gentleman, a Vietnam veteran from Kansas, to the spot on my way back.  He, in turn, informed me about a bus tour of the battlefield.  Maybe next time.

On the way back, I stopped at Cacotin Mountain Orchard.  The sign said “Apple Cider Donuts,” and I just love me some of those.  I’ve been working with a dietitian, so thanks to her voice in my head, I picked up some apples as well.  Good, but my pet peeve: they didn’t sell them individually.  Five minimum.  Singlist? Hell yes!  But, hey, I’ll eat them just the same.

I earned my nap when I got home.  All in all, I’ll aim to take one day trip each week during the summer.  After all, I’m a solo who’s “off” during the summer, and I can do that!

I spent nearly a week in Tennessee in August 2014, when I drove from El Paso, Texas to Newport News, Virginia for my first academic job.  It was a fun time.  First stop, Memphis, where I bopped around Beale Street and indulged in some ribs and blues.  In Nashville, I caught country music fever whilst at the Country Music Hall of Fame, not to mention the country-themed record stores and the street musicians playing fiddles and washboards.  On my way eastbound and out, I got to hike some trails at Great Smoky Mountains National Park while staying in Gatlinburg, an ode to Jesus, babies,  overconsumption, and 18 miles of highway surrounded by a never-ending stream of mini-malls.
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Despite that last part, I enjoyed my trip to Tennessee.  I even considered moving there for my second academic job, but ended up choosing Washington, DC, which is where I’m located now; the University of the District of Columbia (UDC) offered me a better deal.  And now that I learned about HB 0178, aka “The Sequence Success Act,” I’m glad I did.  The act now requires schools to teach kids that graduating high school, pursuing a degree or entering the workface, getting married, and having children leads to a successful life.  With the new administration, I’ve been trying to scale back my political writing, but as an activist for the single and childfree, I can’t stay silent on this one.  So this is my plea to students and teachers in The Volunteer State to passively and actively resist this in ways you can.

Educators
While I know you’re in a red state, most of the teachers I know lean blue.  After all, we tend to have a proclivity for critical thinking, and we want our students to look beyond what’s in front of them.  If you’ve been assigned to teach this, know that there is no law that prevents you from at least presenting other points of view on the issue.   So, after you’ve taught that, kindly introduce texts (or even excerpts) such as these:

Singled Out: How Singles are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After – Bella DePaulo
Solo: Building a Remarkable Life of Your Own – Peter McGraw
Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator: Uncommon Love and Life – Amy Gahran
How to be a Happy Bachelor – Craig Wynne (sorry, I couldn’t resist plugging my brand!)
Childfree by Choice – Amy Blackstone
Happy Singlehood: The Rising Acceptance and Celebration of Solo Living – Elyakim Kislev

These books will also lead you to other resources, which you can also find on Bella’s list here. 

And if you don’t teach Family Life courses, consider bringing in excerpts from those texts into the courses you teach.  We call it the “hidden curriculum” in education.  I did something similar involving a few of those books in my first-year writing.  You don’t necessarily have to agree with any of our contentions, but do present it to your students so they can form their own opinions and make life choices that are more conducive to who they are.  Marriage and children are a valid path for some, but they’re not for everyone.  Politicians who don’t understand that shouldn’t have the right to make decisions for others.  And teachers who don’t understand that shouldn’t have the right to shape young minds.

And any DEI practitioner who doesn’t understand such stigma is oppressive has no right to speak about DEI under any circumstances.

To Students
During my senior year of high school, I took a painting class.  I was disillusioned by some of the oppressive policies my school had put in place (not being allowed to use the soda or vending machines until after class, juniors not being allowed to park in the student parking lot), so I painted pictures likening our school principal to Adolf Hitler.  As I look back on it, this may have been a silly, futile gesture, but it was my way of using creativity to rebel at that time. Even if you do want to get married and have children someday, understand there are other ways of living and relating that work of others.

If your teachers aren’t providing texts like that for you, read some of them on your own.  Thanks to the smartphone, you can access them in seconds.

And if you’re not inclined to reading or advocacy, and your teachers haven’t gotten my memo, I give you full permission to ditch class on the day your instructors “teach” this lesson.  Bop around Beale Street on that day.  Check out the Country Music Hall of Fame and Museum.  Hike the Smokies. 

The best way to rebel is through passive resistance and through use of discourse.  So go for it!  Dolly Parton would approve.

The myth that singles are selfish is prevalent.  On the surface, it makes sense.  Devoting your life to a person that is not you is the most selfless act there is, and what better way to do it than to couple up, and eventually sign that piece of better that welds, err, I mean, weds you to each other?
​
I get a great deal of satisfaction out of helping others, and I’ve been stepping that game up since the new administration took over the White House and started laying off federal government employees.  Two of my friends fell into that category, and since I teach resume writing, I offered feedback on their resumes. 

During that time, I started thinking about the prophet Paul.  I’m not religious, but I find this quote meaningful: “But I say to the unmarried and the widows, it is good for them to remain as they are, as I am.”  It comes from the book of Corinthians, and the argument is that a single person may just have more opportunities to be of service than a married person does.

I co-chair a Singles Studies area at the Northeast Modern Language Association (NeMLA) conference with my friend Elizabeth, and we had an interesting conversation about the work we do, and how that’s a form of public service.

Reading Bella’s work went beyond that of an intellectual experience: it was visceral.  It spoke to me.  For years, I wrote about it.  I thought I was writing for me, but I wanted people who had made those singlist comments in my direction to read it and be humbled.  I don’t know if they actually did so, but other people on CoSP read it, and they felt spoken to.  Gradually, those little blogs turned into academic articles, then popular articles, then a book, which evolved into a brand.  As of now, I’m also a board member on the International Singles Studies Association and Unmarried Equality, two organizations with very different missions on singlehood.  I never thought I’d make a career out of being single, but life will surprise you.

Lately, I’ve taken to giving talks around the Washington, DC area, and oftentimes, when I present the concepts of “singlism,” “matrimania,” and “amatonormativity,” I see a collective light bulb emanate above the heads of my audience members, and they share their experiences of being marginalized.  Part of me wishes they’ll all come join the movement and start writing about these ideas, but not everybody can be as obsessive as I am, I suppose.  That said, I like to think I’ve given them something they can use with the people in their lives.

Of late, I’ve been aiming to use writing, my other passion, to help others.  I don’t like to get political on here (other than my “Childless Cat Ladies” posturing), but it riles me up that so many Federal workers have lost their jobs, particularly when some of them are people I know and care about.   A close friend of mine who worked in the Department of Education’s DEI office was laid off, and I offered to look at her resume for a similar type of job in Virginia.  I gave her comments on verb tenses and using bullet points to set off large bits of information, which I hope was helpful.  While my “day job” revolves around helping people improve their writing skills, it felt good to be able to do something similar for a friend who has real “stakes.”   I did the same thing for another woman I met in a Meetup group, which gave a similar feeling.

I find that when I’m feeling bad, helping others is the best way to get out of that funk.  Teaching does that for me, but I do get paid for it.  So I’ve put the word out on my social media networks that if you or someone you know has been laid off from the fed, I’m here to help.

And, for me, being single does that.  Much of the data continues to show that married people become more insular because they have a family to serve.  And more power to them.  As for me and Bryan Stevenson, I follow Paul’s philosophy.  The data shows we singletons tend to be more involved in our communities as well.

That said, I do have to serve Chester above everyone else.  IYKYK…

I didn’t expect everyone to agree with my argument that the Childfree/Childless be included in DEI’s initiatives; I concede it’s an unorthodox idea.  And, to be sure, while it garnered a lot of support in the Higher Ed Learning Collective Facebook group, it got some pushback; said disagreement was generally civil, except for the person, a self-proclaimed "Social Justice Advocate," who spouted “Straight up bullshit…so fucking gross!” 

I was, admittedly, a bit stunned when I read Megan Strong’s letter to the editor, entitled “DEI Should Not Focus On Childfree Cat Guys.” After pondering, I decided to take it as a compliment: something I wrote really got to someone, enough they would take the time to conduct research, write about it, and publish it. I do empathize with Dr. Strong’s position, but I still disagree with the tenets of her argument.

First, the title.  I never suggested that DEI should focus on childfree cat guys, merely that it includes this population (not to mention cat ladies, dog ladies, and anybody else who’s childless or childfree).  Inclusion: the third word in DEI.

Second, nobody is arguing that DEI initiatives are under attack.  One of the criticisms of DEI is that it limits free expression and dialogue in college classrooms.  In my classes, we regularly discuss different perspectives on romantic relationships and their value in my society; I hear all different viewpoints on the issue, so I have not found this to be the case at all.  However, when a practitioner and scholar of DEI argues that DEI initiatives “shouldn’t include” a certain population, it supports said argument from DEI’s detractors.  Moreover, this explicitly runs counter to the idea of “inclusion,” one of the tenets of DEI.  I’m sure the people who conceptualized the idea would frown upon such gatekeeping, something DEI was designed to prevent.

Third, I acknowledged the difficulties of parenting in my original piece.  And yes, I believe the Surgeon General’s Warning that parents are going through a tough time.  One doesn’t need such a warning to understand how difficult parenting is; that is one of the reasons I’ve opted out of it.  However, there are two problems with this argument: 1) the difficulty one group faces does not cancel out the oppression another group faces.  Dr. Strong, a sociologist, should understand the idea of Oppression Olympics; and 2) parenting is a choice.  A valid one for many, but a choice nonetheless.  And Dr. Strong has forgotten about the thousands of women who are childless, as opposed to childfree.  I fall into the latter category (not wanting kids), but the former consists of those who wanted children but couldn’t have them.  Seeing parents receive the privilege they do can cause them to feel even more marginalized than they already do.  Can’t DEI initiatives acknowledge that more than one group can be subject to some degree of oppression, even if for different reasons?

Dr. Strong had quite the visceral reaction on the Facebook page when she read it: “Unbelievable.”  She further went onto say that she thought the “Bingo card” would be an actual bingo card and was “disappointed.”  I can only speculate, but is it possible that those saying resonate with some of her own dialogue?  And is it possible that she doesn’t like the fact that she’s been called to the carpet on this issue, perhaps for the first time?

New ideas can be threatening to anyone, even academics who are supposed to embrace them.  Galileo was punished harshly for having the gall to suggest Earth revolved around the sun.  John Scopes was arrested for teaching evolution.  So the idea that marginalization of Childfree/Childless people should be included in DEI discussions will understandably ruffle some feathers.   But it is extremely irresponsible, not to mention hypocritical, for one person (particularly one who advocates for social justice-related issues) to decide what is not a microaggression and what does not belong in a certain category.  When that person does that, they’re just as prejudiced as those who commit those acts of oppression, thus necessitating DEI committees to exist in the first place.

Finally, the soon-to-be, second-most powerful person in the United States essentially stated that the votes of people without children shouldn't be counted as much as those with.  The soon-to-be most powerful person in the US looks to Vladamir Putin as a mentor in governance.  Russia is in the process of banning "propaganda" in favor of childfree styles.  If, after reading about it, Dr. Strong is not convinced that the childfree/childless are deserving of a spot in DEI spaces, then she has no business whatsoever discussing oppression.

Here's a link to my original article, "Letter from a Childfree Cat Guy."

In my book, How to be a Happy Bachelor, and the recent talks I’ve given at Profs and Pints events throughout the DMV, the following projection is mentioned: by 2030, one-fourth of Americans between the ages of 45 and 54 will have never been married.  And, of course, I am one of those twenty-five percent.  Some people cite that statistic as the downfall of society (including a supposed liberal named David Brooks) while others embrace it and laud it as an example of progress.  I’m in the latter camp.
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And as of this writing, fifty percent of Americans over the age of 18 are legally single, and half of those have no interest in dating.  Yet, in this last Presidential election, both candidates (and their respective number twos) touted their spouses in front of their audiences because despite the growth of singlehood (particularly the voluntary kind), they want to appeal to a public whose mentality is entrenched in “traditional family values.”  If I had a nickel for every time a politician pledged to help “working families” instead of “working people,” I wouldn’t need to be a working person.

As a board member of Unmarried Equality, an organization that aims to facilitate advocacy for singles under a huge array of laws that privilege the married, I’ve had discussions with a number of people who’ve talked about mobilizing singles to change laws.  Sadly, many aren’t interested in it because: 1) they don’t see it as a form of oppression; after all, we’re not subject to violence because of our status; 2) they see it as liminal.  In fact, most hope to become “un-single.”

But I do have hope.  The new 4B movement, which started in South Korea, has come to the United States in the wake of all the rhetoric around “Your Body, My Choice,” which stemmed from President-Elect Donald Trump’s recent victory and the possibility of a national abortion ban, as outlined in that massive Project 2025 document.

For the past nine years, I’ve been immersed in the Singles Studies discipline.  Additionally, through my writing, I’ve been advocating for awareness around equity issues as they relate to singles, as well as those who are childless/childfree (the difference being that childless folks want kids but don’t have them for a variety of reasons; for childfree people, it’s a choice).  There are a small number of us with this passion, but at times, it feels futile trying to get people to advocate in large numbers.  However, this election gave me hope, despite the outcome.

When JD Vance’s ridiculous comment about “childless cat ladies” hit cyberspace, to say there was a firestorm put it mildly.  A Facebook group called “Cat Ladies for Kamala Harris” popped up, and suddenly, being childfree/childless doesn’t appear to have the same stigma it used to.  I walked around Dupont Circle a few days after my “America Needs More Childfree Cat Ladies” T-shirt came in.  It got a lot of compliments, although I’m pretty sure one older gentleman bumped into me intentionally.  I bumped back because, well, I stick up for my own.

I wrote a piece about inclusion of Childfree/Childless people in Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion spaces for Inside Higher Ed; it got its share of likes, but I was disheartened that supposedly enlightened academics didn’t think childfree people are oppressed, including one comment from a supposed “advocate for social justice” who commented with “This is straight up bullshit.  So fucking gross!”  Do you kiss your kids with that mouth, friend?

But enough people were able to validate this, including a couple of journalists who posed the idea of a childfree voting bloc.  Even after Vance’s comment, which we later doubled down on, Harris and Walz gave support to this population, but only in their rhetoric.  I do believe there needs to be more equity for the childfree.  But since my work focuses primarily on the single, I’m going to propose a Singles voting bloc.

First, politicians, whether they be Republican, Democrat, or Independent, have never paid attention to singles.  It’s all about the family. “Working families!”  “Let’s help families!”  My cat/son Chester and I may be a family, but these politicians are referring to the nuclear family.  And as Presidential candidates are trying to appeal to folks in Middle America, who are more likely to be married than those on the coasts, they need to speak to that seeming majority. 

But, as of 2023, there are 117.6 million single people in the United States.  And many of them yearn to be partnered and might not care about how policies discriminate against them.  But some don’t want to be partnered.  And many people might care about such inequities if they were enlightened.  On the three occasions I delivered my talk at Profs and Pints, it appeared as if a collective light bulb went over the heads of my audience members; they were eager to share their experiences at having been marginalized by such laws.  And, up to this point, singles’ rights have been a nonpartisan issue, just like with the Alliance of Childfree Voters.  But if we were to mobilize, politicians might start paying attention to our needs, no matter what shade of the political spectrum we’re on.  The first step is getting the word out. 

This article is a start.

“Welcome to your life…there’s no turning back.” 

I had the opening lyrics to that Tears for Fears song, “Everybody Wants to the World,” running through my head as I stood on the platform at the Grosvenor/Strathmore Metro, waiting for my train to take me through my (relatively) breezy commute to work. 
 
And it is a nice commute.  I get my steps in during my 10-minute walk to and from the Metro. 
 
Since the last time I wrote about my journey in solo homeowning, I’ve adjusted some blinds, had the toilet seat replaced, received a hefty property tax bill, placed some Monet prints on my bedroom wall, framed a pair of magazine covers from the week of Jerry Garcia’s death and placed them in my office, and cooked some real meals in my kitchen (including some tuna nachos).

​But the highlights:

I longed for a two-bedroom so I could have a space to house my home office as well as guests.  And, as of this writing, I’ve had two.  Doug, my fellow Single at Heart, loves to chase roller coasters the way I used to chase concerts.  On his way from Toms River, New Jersey to Busch Gardens, he stopped at my place for the night, where we talked Russian history, and of course, being Single at Heart. 
 
This past weekend, Mark, my fellow Deadhead, traveled from Newport News, Virginia to see a Grateful Dead tribute band called Joe Russo’s Almost Dead.  We had a nice trip to the show via Metro (living in DC really did spoil me on the public transportation front). 
 
I’ve also had Jim and Luis, two local friends, over for dinner on separate occasions.  As I have a table in my mini-dining room, I had us sit down at the table; I even set up placemats, coasters, plates, and silverware.  This solo does it right!
 
And, of course, the housewarming.  I wrote about it in my last post, so I won’t get too much into it, but it was amazing being able to celebrate with old and new friends.  And I’m enjoying the gifts from my registry (see pics here).  Thus far, I’ve done the following:

• Plugged in that coffee pot from Faith and used it every morning to brew my caffeine fix
• Set up that speaker from Antionette in my kitchen, which I play while I cook
• Set up my headband/earbuds combination from Stephanie, which I have going when I jog
• Started feeding Chester the Fancy Feast Stephanie got me 
• Affixed the mezuzah Doug got me to the wall with command strips
• Enjoyed some of that snack food, particularly the chips from Tanya.  I’m waiting to get through the leftover pizza before I start cooking with the pasta I got from other guests, who will get a shout-out on the next post
• Placed the “Steal Your Face” decal on my car’s rear window (I’m not big into decorating my auto, but it was the only place it would go, and I already have a parking pass on it).  This one came from Steve.
• Taken Steve’s gift of a snazzy messenger bag on a couple of Metro rides
• Drank out of the Grateful Dead coffee mug Pete sent me (are we seeing a theme?)
• Started reading Surrounded by Idiots, sent to me by Rachel
• Watched and reviewed She-Devil, handed to me by Chris

As I have quite a few Costco-sized bags of snacks left over from the party, I’ll be planning on hosting a Singles Game Night at my place in the future.  That was another reason for me getting a place this size; I just love hosting.  Stay tuned!

Finally, that list of gifts and people I love bring to mind Bella's quote: "Married people have the one, single people have the oneS."  Of course, there are exceptions, but in my case, it applies.